Learning English

[Mosch]

Found this in another forum:

Dictionary for Decoding Women's Personal Ads:

40-ish ........................ 49.

Adventurous .............. Slept with everyone.

Athletic ...................... No breasts

Average looking .......... Moooo.

Beautiful .................... Pathological liar.

Emotionally Secure ... On medication.

Feminist .................... Fat

Free spirit .................. Junkie

Friendship first .......... Former slut.

New-Age ................... Body hair in the wrong places.

Old-Fashioned ........... No BJs.

Open-minded ............. Desperate

Outgoing ................... Loud and Embarrassing.

Professional .............. Bitch

Voluptuous ................ Very Fat

Hugh frame ............... Hugely Fat

Wants soul mate ....... Stalker

WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

1. Yes = No

2. No = Yes

3. Maybe = No

4. We need = I want

5. I am sorry - You'll be sorry

6. We need to talk = you're in trouble

7. Sure, go ahead = you better not

8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later

9. I am not upset = Of course, I am upset, you moron!

10. You're certainly attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH:

1. I am hungry = I am hungry

2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy

3. I am tired = I am tired

4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

5. I love you = Let's have sex now

6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?

7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you.

8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you.

9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you.

10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you.

11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[Becca]

I like to stay home on the weekends = I'm a hermit stop talking to me

I like to stay home on the weekends = your really terriable looking, stop talking to me

I like to stay home on the weekends = I play with little toy soldiers and dont want you to know, stop talking to me

I like to stay home on the weekends = I like to stay home on the weekends

funny list mosch.... but its true...us female types tend to say things that dont mean what we say....maybe one of these days we will stop being confusing.

NOT! :bootyshak

[Drake Farstrider]

Great list Mosch. And some of it is true.

[Nathan Caroland]

I like men's english so much better, simple and truthful.

[Spacemunkie]

lol!

Good stuff

[Duende]

There's a certain knack to understanding women's conversations, but if you think I'm gonna post it here and give you guys an edge, you're sadly mistaken. :bootyshak

So here's something for the gals:

10 Laws for Women to Live By:

1. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

2. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

3. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

4. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

5. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

6. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

7. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

10. Sadly, all men are created equal.

:girl:

[Valloa]

There's a certain knack to understanding women's conversations, but if you think I'm gonna post it here and give you guys an edge, you're sadly mistaken. :bootyshak

So here's something for the gals:

10 Laws for Women to Live By:

1. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

2. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

3. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

4. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

5. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

6. Best way to get a man to do something - suggest they are too old for it.

7. Love is blind - but marriage is a real eye-opener.

8. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.

9. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.

10. Sadly, all men are created equal.

:girl:

Hehehehe.

Maya~

[LaeliaJS]

Along the same vein.... What NOT to get your woman for Christmas/Valentine's Day/Birthday/Anniversary etc.

Cleaning utensils. You send the message she's only good for doing housework.

Kitchen utensils. You send the message she's only good for cooking.

Clothes. It is impossible to get a woman's size right. These will either be too big, which implies she's fat, or too small, which implies you think she should lose weight.

Along the same vein... Sexy Lingire. This is a present for YOU, not HER.

Jewelry of any type. Unless it's an engagement ring, she won't like it, no matter how expensive, and she'll be upset she doesn't like it. Don't ask why.

Shoes. Shoes are like jewelry.

Coupons or gift certificates of any kind. This implies you're too lazy to get her a real gift.

Technology. Unless you're dating a she-geek, she doesn't want a new camera/scanner/HDTV/cell phone as a gift.

Anything she tells you when you say "What do you want for this holiday?"

[Jabberwocky]

Along the same vein.... What NOT to get your woman for Christmas/Valentine's Day/Birthday/Anniversary etc.

Cleaning utensils. You send the message she's only good for doing housework.

Kitchen utensils. You send the message she's only good for cooking.

Clothes. It is impossible to get a woman's size right. These will either be too big, which implies she's fat, or too small, which implies you think she should lose weight.

Along the same vein... Sexy Lingire. This is a present for YOU, not HER.

Jewelry of any type. Unless it's an engagement ring, she won't like it, no matter how expensive, and she'll be upset she doesn't like it. Don't ask why.

Shoes. Shoes are like jewelry.

Coupons or gift certificates of any kind. This implies you're too lazy to get her a real gift.

Technology. Unless you're dating a she-geek, she doesn't want a new camera/scanner/HDTV/cell phone as a gift.

Anything she tells you when you say "What do you want for this holiday?"

Uhh...what's left? :ahhhhh:

[LaeliaJS]

Uhh...what's left?

Ok, here's what you SHOULD get your woman. Please bear in mind that this is way more confusing than what you shouldn't get her.

First, the "safe" gifts:

Anything from Bath and Body Works. Girls love this stuff. They even have cute little gift packages.

Roses. These are good for momentary happy fuzzies. Don't get them more than twice a year or she'll expect them and notice when you don't give them to her.

Chocolate. The kind the comes in a fancy box. Don't overdo it, or she'll accuse you of trying to make her fat.

A picture of you together with her. Framed and signed on the back. Two ways to get this one: 1) have a friend stalk you with a camera. 2) Have said photo already lying around from a vacation. 3) Have it done without the surprise.

Stuffed animals. Just make sure it's cute. If she's a cat person, get her a cat. Dog person, get her a dog. If you're not sure, get a bear.

A night out. Dinner at a high class resturant, tickets to a ballet or play, some event where she has the opportunity to dress up fancy.

CDs. Watch her for lip syncing to the radio. That means she likes that band. Buy accordingly.

Cards. Girls LOVE cards, the sappier and mushier the better. Write at least three sentances in it, in blue or red pen, telling her how much you love her. Save those for non-holidays and don't overdo them.

Now on to the harder stuff....

The essential key to gift-giving is understanding that most women have a "theme". This means a certain animal, color, flower, symbol, actor, etc that they obsess over and decorate their home and/or stuff with. A woman may have more than one theme, as well (my sister has like 20 so she's extremely easy to shop for). A good way of finding out a woman's theme is by looking on their keychain, they'll usually have something (or several somethings) hanging off it that fits their theme. Another good hint is looking at the pictures on the walls of her living room.

Almost anything she doesn't have already that fits her theme, she will probably be really happy with. It's likely to be a "perfect" present, if you manage to fit two or more themes. It doesn't have to be useful, either - Girls love knick knacks that fit their theme. Pictures are a good target for this, too.

Mall shopping with your significant other, though admittedly an often painful experience, is a good way to figure out what to get for a present. If you notice her cooing over something in a store, or trying on an article of clothing or jewelry and going "whoa, I love this, it's awesome!" but she doesn't buy it, that is a VERY big hint to go back later and buy it for a future present. Also watch her as she's browsing catalogs at home. This is the one time you can break the 'don't get her this' list.

Girls will often complain about a particular recurring problem they have. Get something to remedy this problem. This is easier to spot than you might think. If she complains more than twice about something, get something for her to fill that need. For example, if she complains that the address numbers on the house are too dark to see, get her some nice big and bright ones. If she complains about things being too quiet when she's alone, get a bird feeder for the window, or a windchime. If she's constantly losing her keys, get her a wall hanging key holder. In this case, it's still best to avoid cleaning tools or cooking utensils.

Finally, if your girl happens to like minis, paint one up for her as if you were painting for a GD.

[Duende]

Laelia! Don't just give away all our secrets! :tapedshut

Although I'll add that though roses are the "safe" bet, if you know her favorite flower, get those. She'll be impressed that you remembered. If unsure, don't try guessing and just stick with roses, because if you end up guessing wrong, you're screwed.

But that's a pretty good general list, Laelia, you're gonna turn the guys into regular Casanovas in no time. But remember guys, every girl is different, you have to pay attention, for example, personally, I don't care for stuff from Bath and Body Works or cards, but I do like techno-gadgets, and since I'm a mini-lover, a gift cert to an online mini store is perfectly acceptable. It does all depend... a friend of mine got his girlfriend an expensive new vacuum cleaner after she complained that she didn't have a good one.. and they're getting married this October.

So it really comes down to what a lot of guys are horrible at... paying attention!

:flirt:

[EricJ]

ummm, it might be a good list and all...but as Duende points out...it's a lot based on paying attention...and THAT is the problem. Remembering all this stuff is a snap, but then it comes to present time and have to remember what her theme is, and like we blank, or like football pops into our heads...or have to remember what she's complained about, and blank...

[Celtic Lilly]

Someone sent this to me last week. I thought it safe enough to post here.

:flypig:

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

1. I do physical labor.

2. I work at great depths.

3. I plunge head first into everything I do.

4. I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

5. I work in a damp environment.

6. I work in a dark area that has poor ventilation.

7. I work in high temperatures.

8. My work exposes me to diseases.

_______________________________

Dear Penis,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the management denies your request for the following reasons:

1. You do not work 8 hours straight.

2. You WORK IN SHORT SPURTS AND fall asleep after EACH brief work period.

3. You do not always follow the orders of the management team.

4. You do not stay in your designated area, and are often seen visiting other locations.

5. You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.

6. You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

7. You dont always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.

8. You will retire LONG before you are 65.

9. You are unable to work double shifts.

10. You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task.

11. And if that were not all, you have constantly been seen entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely, The Management

[sebrushworth]

Sometimes I think people who are gay must have it so much easier. Then there's actually a chance that you'll understand your partner!

[Art-de-Vivre]

this thread just made my day ! :dancing2:

[Leopardpixie]

Lol thats great!

And yet SOooooo True!