Iron Quill Beta Submission: SASHA

[Hardlec]

A nine year old has little understanding of politics. A nine year old has every understanding of politics. A nine year old Caleb knew the love of his parents and of his hawk Sasha.

The Duke lost his lands in the war. Caleb's family served the duke's family for generations. They were rangers. they stopped poachers and they set up hunts for the duke's sport. now they were free, which really meant they had no position, no work, no purpose and no income. Caleb's father has been offered a fraction of a value his land was worth. even a nine year old knew that they would have to leave and getting something was better than nothing.

On the church door was a poster. A glittering castle and the caption"Malifaux, a dream come true." a recruiter would be speaking that evening. The whole town came to listen to the man. within a month the town was empty.

The duke was found on his never used throne in his never worn robes, dead. He had left a note.

I was born here

I was raised here

I reigned here and

I will die here

He had taken hemlock.

Caleb was too young to understand the gesture. Only thing he understood was that he would be able to take Sasha with him.

They went by wagon from the little town to the city. They would take the train from the city to the breach. When they got to the breach they would change trains and go to Malifaux. When they were changing trains, Caleb took Sasha out of her cage to let her fly, then fed her a good meal. He slipped her hood back on her head and made her; as comfortable as possible for the journey on.

Caleb dared to dream his dream on the train journey to the breach. A cottage made of smooth round riverstone, with cedar roof, surrounded by sugar maple trees, with his hawk Sasha flying above it all. It was a modest dream, but it was his dream.

Sasha has been Caleb's Since she came out of the egg. He got the egg on his birthday. It was rare for an eight year old child to be given responsibility for a hawk, but it was in his blood. He fed her with meat he chewed and she ate it from between his teeth. They were inseparable for over a year. The Duke had commented on what a natural Caleb was as a falconer. Now Sasha was fully fledged.

The recruiter said nothing about the horrors of the breach transit. The transit twisted your mind and tried to tear the soul from you. All around him were people in pain, in terror, and dying.

"I don't want to die; not here, not now. Sasha needs me."

"I can't give up, I have to make it. Sasha! Sasha!"

Like a mantra, Caleb summoned all his strength, all his will, all his love.

"I have to live! Sasha! Sasha!"

When the train stopped the horror did not. Men, women and children were torn and maimed. Caleb checked his family. Grandfather was dead. he had the expression of a warrior who had sacrificed his life. Grandmother was dying, but with her family she said:

"We saved your spirits. Use them well." She expired with a smile.

Caleb was grief stricken, tears streamed down his face. His grandparents were gone, but his Family was safe, all but

SASHA!

Story hands grasped his shoulders. "Go Caleb. Go to Sasha." His father's voice, calm but firm.

Caleb saw the car where men were already removing the dead and dying animals. The cries of the beasts mixed with those of the people. A cacaphony of fear and anguish. Caleb pushed his way past two grown men and stood in the car. He saw the cage. He saw Sasha on her perch. Something was wrong.

Transitioning through the breach changes you. Some change is bad, some harmful, some it is a trade-off. The change that came to Caleb was good. It was a strength of spirit, but it was not yet complete.

Caleb opened the cage. Sasha was able to climb up his arm, but she was so weak. Her call was hardly more than a bleat. he took off her hood and carried her out, to see the sky, to be as free as a hawk in the wind.

Her spirit was fierce, but ever so small. She had been crushed by the transition. She looked deep into the eyes of Caleb. They bonded one last time. The fire left her eyes. She was gone.

Caleb collapsed in a pile of sobs and agony. His cries amplified by the voices of misery all around even the workmen who routinely cleaned up the train after the transition paused. It was a moment of perfect, total sadness.

Three decades later, a knock came on Caleb's door. A cottage made of smooth round riverstone, with cedar roof, surrounded by sugar maple trees. The knock came from a Guild Guardsman. "Lucius wants you. There's going to be a fight." Caleb the Guild Austringèr already knew what was going on. He knew much more than a guardsman.

"I'll get Sasha." Another fight. Another day of life or death.

The first Sasha was buried under one of the maple trees. This Sasha was a Malifaux Raptor. A Malifaux Raptor is to a hawk is as a hawk is to a budgie. Raptor and Austringèr did not hunt rabbits. They were going to hunt neverborn.

I am not going to die here today.

Somewhere, sometime soon, some thing on this gods-damned world is going straight to hell.

In his mind a hawk shrieked in agreement.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Hardlec
thanks for the critique

[Thechosenone]

So let me start with the points that I felt didn't fit right

1) Just a preference but I like numbers written out and instead. so nine instead of 9.

2) Caleb's family served the duke's family. The word family gets handed out to rapidly there. Caleb's family served the duke's.

3) Caleb dare should probably be Caleb dared. The paragraph prior to this has some repetitive uses of the same words too.

4) I don't think its overly clear what actually happened on the train.

5) The transition between thirty years is a bit stiff and the call to arms a bit tame.

But that's just the stuff I found that stuck. Otherwise its a solid origin tale for a character. Thanks for sharing.

[Sliver Chocobo]

Good story, nice take on the dream aspect, altough I think breach has been opened for four or five years tops so timing might be a little off, but can be ignored

[edonil]

Interesting! I really liked the idea, and the falconry bits were really neat. Reminded me some of a Jack Yeovil short story, although I can't recall the name at the moment. Well executed concept overall, and a good play on the theme.

A couple things I did see that I had some issue with: Once early on, you spelled poached without the 'a'. I think that was the only spelling thing I saw. The biggest thing I noticed from a technical bit was a some issues of consistency with the past and present tense. One of the first ones was here:

The Duke lost his lands in the war. Caleb's family has served the duke's for generations. They were rangers.

You've got past tense in the first sentence, present in the second, past in the third. It just disrupts the flow of things doing that from sentence to sentence. There were a couple other times, and I can put those out if you'd like.

It was a rare for an eight year old child to be given responsibility for a hawk, but it was in his blood.

Missing a word after 'rare'. I'm guessing you wanted 'thing' in there.

One thing that I normally would advise against, and I'm mentioning it for the future, is be wary of multiple short sentences when a couple longer ones would suffice. In this story, it worked because of the perspective- children rarely go off onto things for long times, and having Caleb telling the story, it makes sense to do short, choppy ideas.

While I don't personally mind the jump of thirty years, I will agree that it seems pretty sudden. If you were to put a divider in, just using ---- for example, it might help with making that seem less abrupt.

Thanks for sharing your story!

[Hardlec]

I apologize for my weak ability to find and correct errors. My spell checker enforces things on me. I keep seeing odd missed capitalizations too.

I am wondering if the death of the grandparents needs to be there.

Edited July 19, 2012 by Hardlec

[ThePandaDirector]

Dododo another one bites the dust dododo another one bits the dust...

I'm liking this 1500 word count, breazing through these =D

Better than your last. Much better.

I'm going to try and stay clear of the technical errors (like "A nine year old Calem") because I know its a bit out of your control.

Ok so first two sentences didn't really make much sense to me, more so after reading the story. What has it to do with politics? How does a nine year old understand nothing and everything about politics?

The big thing for me was the huge exaggaration of passing through the breach. As far as I believe it has different effects on everyone sure, but most barely feel anything but a tingling sensation. You make it sound like the coldest winter where the elderly and weak are cruely culled. I would make it a little less drastic, but focus the negative reaction on Caleb and Sasha. So everyone's fine (even the grandparents), but Caleb has a fit and after eveyone thinks he was the only one he discovers Sasha had a bad transition too. I think that would actually be a better contrast and set Caleb apart from the rest more.

Not quite sure why a nine year old is dreaming of that house though, would be better if you linked it to a place he's been too, like distant family or the Duke's summer cottage.

The bit with Lucius was a bit silly, just came out of nowhere without justifying why the Governor's Secutury would be personally asking for a Guild Austringer. Something like "Been major disturbances in the Eastern Badland territory. You've been drafted, orders from Mr Mathieson himself. Don't know what it could be sir." Or just take his name out of it altogether.

But overall I liked it and that this grizzled solider still has the memories of is nine year old self surviving just as he too clings to life.

Cheers =D

[Hardlec]

All the 9 year old Caleb knows is that he has to move because the Duke was on the losing side in a war. He knows nothing, but he knows everything about the politics of the situation.

Fluff for Ryle leads me to think Breach passage is a huge deal.

Caleb (and Sasha) and Lucius worked together in Green Fairy.

While not in the story, per se, I name my minions, and do not consider them disposable, but expendable. If possible, Guild captain Tor will be featured in the next story. In a more pragmatic sense, I can do more with a minion I can make my own than I can with a "cannon" character.

(I named my pack of hounds after Buffy and her vampire slayers. :-)

[El Indio]

I like the concept of this piece, and the way you transitioned neatly from childhood to adulthood. It's also a rare glimpse at the build-up to the journey into Malifaux, which lends the piece a nice common-man feel. The Guild propaganda machine was a nice touch. I especially enjoyed the focus on the stages of the trip, which reminded me of the arduous process that all emigrants take. I could see the whole story focusing on that alone: the excitement, the journey, a glimpse at what the world outside of Malifaux is like, culminating with going through the Breach.

A few things I would like to see:

1) You take time explaining the differences between Malifaux Raptors and common hawks, but I never learned how Caleb felt on the subject. Even though a Raptor is bigger, stronger, etc., does he inherently consider it inferior to Sasha? It is (very lightly) implied that he does, but it would be nice to get a clear picture, since Caleb's falconry is a big part of this story.

2) Likewise, how does he feel about getting his dream home (which he is remarkably specific about as a child)? With the loss of his family and his closest friend, with only duty remaining to him, is Caleb happy with his new life in his shining castle? A juxtaposition between the idealistic sales pitch and the harsh reality could add some extra punch to the end of the story.

3) The opening sentence was one of those real head-scratchers for me.

A nine year old has little understanding of politics. A nine year old has every understanding of politics.

The problem is that the statement is so broad that it effectively means little, and there is no real qualification for it later in the story. I notice you did a neat little explanation for it in one of your comments, which is how I know where you were going with it. Working that into your opener would help. Maybe something like:

A nine year old understands little of politics, but Caleb knew that his family had to leave because the Duke had lost a war, and that was understanding enough.

Which gives you a pithy statement and a nice explanation of the opening situation. Not that the above is the best option, just the first I could come up with off the top of my head.

Again, I really enjoyed the concept and its unique "pre-Malifaux" feel, and it was a nice, smooth read. Looking forward to more Iron Quill installments.

[ukrocky]

Poor Hawk! I like your depiction of the breach and the damage it can do, quite moving in a strange way!

[Paddywhack]

I like the concept of the story and the tip to the still feudal areas of earth. Its easy to forget to take things from the Earthside portion of background as well as the historical period its set in. Yes, there were some technical issues, but you only get better by doing right? Thanks for the story!