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About Thechosenone

  • Birthday 07/21/1982

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  1. Late in the game, but I have to formally pass this round. I moved this month and getting my house in order has taken its toll as has rearranging my local social scene. I'll be back in the game next round. Good luck writers.
  2. Thanks for wondering sir, I'm alive and well. I moved to Chicago recently so I've had a hectic last two weeks. As of tonight the place is settled. You'll see more of me soon.

  3. Hey, just wondering how writing's been going? Haven't seen you in the Writing Room in a bit.

  4. Heads up, in the writing forum there a dream based writing contest with some great stories and voting. they're great reads. I wrote Shiver, a story about chompy and dreamer and a victim. if you like nightmare stuff its a great place to be http://www.wyrd-games.net/showthread.php?34015-Iron-Quill-Beta-Round-Voting!
  5. So its about evenly split with people that liked or didn't like the layout of the story. Which Is fine, at least its getting attention. For me, this IS what a dream/nightmare is. Any linear storytelling of a dream sequence is artificially done for the sake of conveying a story. In dreams, things happen withing cause, scenes make sense to the viewer in a way that would be disjointing and obscure to anyone else. A dream world works on an entirely different type of logic and physics. As far as wondering what the dream is about and wanting more information, I mean, I could have come right and said that basically the story was about the Man in Black and frenchmen and a deal brokered by the Barrister. And that the Dreamer is the son of the man in black. But telling a tale like that for one, wouldn't fit in 1500 words. And for two, no dream moves through events like that. The person experiencing the dreams lives in an emotion that born out of scenery and metaphor. So I'd say i'm very happy with piece because its a concept piece in the end. Given 1500 words its hard to do any character justice but 1500 words is a wealth of time to convey the emotion of fear merely through images. Short stories ultimately don't get by with a wealth of background information and detailed setup. They are stories of the moment and how deeply can you experience that moment with a character. This is just a short story about a terrfying nightmare forced on someone. Fragments of a larger story are there but again, 1500 words only allows for a story to be about so much. So its not about the cure, or the frenchmen or the barrister. Its just about a dream and how terrible the dream is for the man in black. Everything else serves only one purpose and its to add disjointed evocative details. Thanks for all the feedback though. And thanks for everyone who read it.
  6. thanks for the feedback el indido. gives me good stuff to consider.
  7. I'll take another look at the piece hopefully soon. Question Panda, did you find it difficult because of the way it was written, which is an intentional disjointed nightmare. Nothing is linear in a dream, it just happens and it makes sense to the person experiencing it. But I always appreciate your critique and I'll see what I can to with it when time permits.
  8. I think there's two approaches to doing established characters. One is to grab up all the source material and try and match that flow because it jars other people when things don't follow with the canon. I however take the other approach. If you can soundly establish a completely divergent alternative storyline then it gives you freedom to do what you want while still having familiar images and characters. I love my alternative take and I'd suggest trying something similar.
  9. http://www.wyrd-games.net/showthread.php?33288-Iron-Quill-submission-Shiver Think you missed mine chocobo
  10. There's nothing wrong with embracing tropes, its just all how you present it. I would have done something like this, just off the top of my head: "But who are you?" "Names names names... so obsessed with codifying and quantifying!" The voice is spoken by the wind, by the sky and by the night itself. Shadows begin to dance across the snow capped desolation. "I am the frost fingered fear that crawls up your spine! The darkness that slithers across the moon! the shriek and sudden silence! I'm what waits for you at the bottom of the falling nightmare! Why ask for a name little thing? What I am is so much more important than who I am." Again, still trope esq but different and descriptive and it conjures up some imagery.
  11. In concept I do really like it. Edonil hit the grammar issues I had. I know its not done so something I'd suggest looking into is the dialog. Its just a bit stiff. The "I have many names" trope is certainly one that's been done but there are so many fresh ways to do it too. Overall I just want the interactions spiced up a little. The idea is so rich but the description and dialog don't do justice to it. Something I find helps with dialog is to speak it out loud. You get a good feel for what works and doesn't that way. Thanks for the share.
  12. So let me start with the points that I felt didn't fit right 1) Just a preference but I like numbers written out and instead. so nine instead of 9. 2) Caleb's family served the duke's family. The word family gets handed out to rapidly there. Caleb's family served the duke's. 3) Caleb dare should probably be Caleb dared. The paragraph prior to this has some repetitive uses of the same words too. 4) I don't think its overly clear what actually happened on the train. 5) The transition between thirty years is a bit stiff and the call to arms a bit tame. But that's just the stuff I found that stuck. Otherwise its a solid origin tale for a character. Thanks for sharing.
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