Sliver Chocobo Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 (edited) The acolyte was alone in snow there was nothing around her but endless white, and remains of long dead Neverborn. The blizzard was raging all around the acolyte, her fur coat did nothing to protect her from the icy wind cutting though her and stabbing her soul. She had to keep going she could feel December calling to her. She slipped and landed face down in the snow and waited a few seconds. she could hear December taunting her, claiming her for his own and refusing to let go. "Do you really want to die here" the acolyte tried to scream no with all her might, but it came out as a gargled mess, she soon got back up onto her and ran with all her might though the endless snow and ice. She soon realized that a second voice was calling her forwards, this one was warmer more feminine than Decembers. She headed towards it not knowing whether she had gone mad with hypothermia. It called to her from beyond a hill. She tried to climb it, but struggled and reverted to continuing on all fours. She wasn't fast enough, her furs were heavy with ice and snow and were holding her back, so she discarded them. The acolyte reached the top of the hill and looked around, she could see nothing but white in every direction. A flame grew within her, she felt strong and powerful, like she could do anything. The female voice said one thing and she knew she had been betrayed. "Mine" both Tyrants launched a fall assault onto her mind. The acolyte was unable to deal with might of both of them and collapsed into the snow and rolled down the tossing and turning and landed on a soft white blanket, not of snow, but of silk. Both tyrants had left her alone. "Odd, how one so small could be so interesting to two Tyrants." The acolyte turned to come face to face with a large, four armed dragon, it's mystical purple eyes transfixed on her. The acolyte swallowed, as with all the woman within the cult of December her tongue had been removed. "Don't worry, this is my realm, I do as I please, if I want you to talk, you can do so. tongue or no tongue" "But, but who are you? Where am I?" "I have my names, I am the voice in the dark, the shadow in the back of your mind, the monster under bed, the endless scream and the eternal silence. I'm what waits for you at the bottom of the falling nightmare! Why ask for a name little thing? What I am is so much more important than who I am. but if it makes it easier for you, call me Nytemare. Your dream has become the battle ground of the old Gods, December and Naga, both weakened but strong enough to take you if they want." "Dream? So...where am I in the real world?" "Face down in the snow, dying I'm afraid, both tyrants are trying to take advantage of the situation. You can become a puppet of ether December or Naga or you can die." "No, I wont die here and i refuse to be December or anyone else's puppet" "Determination or Stupidity, to stand before a god and say No" "I wont stand by and let them take my body away from so easily" Nytemare grinned showing maw filled teeth larger and sharper than daggers "I like you, that's why i have decided to help you" "Why, if i'm so insignificant why would you help me" "Would you believe me if I would say it was out of the kindness of my heart? Don't answer that, I don't like December or Naga and would greatly enjoy taking the're prize away from them. I would let you take a small part of my essence," "And what become your puppet, instead of December or Naga's. NO! I would rather die" the Acolyte spat at Nytemare "Smart, but no. I already have my vessel I don't need a second. I do need a minion to do my bidding" "But why me" "You don't get to ask that, if a need you I call and you come, when I say jump" "I say how, i get it. I have no other option do I, what do you want me to do" "Do I don't require you DO anything" the world around the melted and span around her. Nytemare became an infernal of purple flames that swallowed her whole. The Acolyte awoke face down in the snow, like nothing had happened. The blizzard had stopped and sunrise in the distance had burned the sky a beautiful shade of orange. For a moment the acolyte was allowed to believe that dream was just that and nothing more. "Remember, you work for me now" Nytemare voice echoed in the back of her mind. The Acolyte had felt different, there was a hidden power within open for her to use. She focused, her feet became cloven hooves, her haired died purple and a large pair of reptilian black wings that shimmered like starligh grew from her back. "I can work with this" smiled the acolyte as she flew towards the city of Malifaux Edited July 20, 2012 by Sliver Chocobo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edonil Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 I am really enjoying this, Chocobo. The concept is intriguing, and I can tell you're having fun with it. You're definitely improving as a writer, which is awesome. I love the idea of a war of Tyrants over one individual, it really does fit well within the fluff and it's interesting. Saw some grammar and spelling issues, wanted to point them out and make some suggestions on how to smooth out your dialogue. ...protector her from the icy wind cutting though her and stabbing her soul. Protect instead of protector she could here December taunting her December had claimed her for his own and he was not going to let her go. Another way of phrasing this: She could hear December taunting her, claiming her for his own and refusing to let go. She headed towards it not knowing with she had gone mad with hypothermia. Instead of 'with', 'if' or 'whether' could work. The sentence right after it is redundant, so you could pull it and gain some more words to work with. The second voice said one thing and she knew she had been betrayed. Instead of 'second' you could use 'woman's voice' and it might flow a little better. "Interesting, how one so small can be, such an interest to not only one tyrant but two, don't worry you can talk here" the acolyte turned to cane face to large four armed drsgon like Nephilim, it's mystical purple eyes were transfixed on her. Suggestion for flow reasons: "Odd, how one so small could be so interesting to two Tyrants." The acolyte turned to come face to face with a large, four armed dragon, it's mystical purple eyes transfixed on her. I don't think that the lack of tongue should be mentioned by Nytemare. Her reaction, being shocked and surprised, does fit very well, though. If you do make the above change, it'll need to be adjusted, but that shouldn't be too hard. "I have my names, but may call me Nytemare, your dream has become the battle ground of two two of Malifaux's old God's December who has been spread so think there is bearly anything left and Naga, not the most powerful but she is able battle December in his weakened state." This sentence needs to be broken up into smaller components. Try this: "I have many names, but you may call me Nytemare. Your dream has become the battle ground of the old Gods, December and Naga, both weakened but strong enough to take you if they want." "Dream, so where I in the real world" This seems a little rushed the way it's phrased, and feels like somehow hyperventilating. If that's what you're going for, I'd add in the 'am' after where and keep it as is. If you want to slow it down, I'd recommend the following: "Dream? So...where am I in the real world?" Like I said, I'm really enjoying reading this piece, and I'm really curious where you're taking it. Looking forward to reading more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thechosenone Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 In concept I do really like it. Edonil hit the grammar issues I had. I know its not done so something I'd suggest looking into is the dialog. Its just a bit stiff. The "I have many names" trope is certainly one that's been done but there are so many fresh ways to do it too. Overall I just want the interactions spiced up a little. The idea is so rich but the description and dialog don't do justice to it. Something I find helps with dialog is to speak it out loud. You get a good feel for what works and doesn't that way. Thanks for the share. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted July 18, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 In concept I do really like it. Edonil hit the grammar issues I had. I know its not done so something I'd suggest looking into is the dialog. Its just a bit stiff. The "I have many names" trope is certainly one that's been done but there are so many fresh ways to do it too. Overall I just want the interactions spiced up a little. The idea is so rich but the description and dialog don't do justice to it. Something I find helps with dialog is to speak it out loud. You get a good feel for what works and doesn't that way. Thanks for the share. I sort agree with the "many names" trope, although it it is how I would imagine Lord Chompy Bit's would introduce hemself Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thechosenone Posted July 18, 2012 Report Share Posted July 18, 2012 There's nothing wrong with embracing tropes, its just all how you present it. I would have done something like this, just off the top of my head: "But who are you?" "Names names names... so obsessed with codifying and quantifying!" The voice is spoken by the wind, by the sky and by the night itself. Shadows begin to dance across the snow capped desolation. "I am the frost fingered fear that crawls up your spine! The darkness that slithers across the moon! the shriek and sudden silence! I'm what waits for you at the bottom of the falling nightmare! Why ask for a name little thing? What I am is so much more important than who I am." Again, still trope esq but different and descriptive and it conjures up some imagery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted July 19, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 19, 2012 Edited, thanks for the help ---------- Post added at 11:09 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:41 AM ---------- More Added, still not finished though Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted July 20, 2012 Author Report Share Posted July 20, 2012 Finished, happy ending included Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted July 29, 2012 Report Share Posted July 29, 2012 Don't worry Chocobo, I'll be completely objective and fai- RUBBISH! Ahem... Similar to Hardlec, better than the last story I read from you. You're certainly improving. I have to ask, and I hope you don't mind, but do you struggle with spelling and grammar or is it just technical problems? After reading, it felt like edonil's changes (which seem to have been implemented) only scratched the surface. But overall it felt more Malifaux-esque. I didn't really like Nytmare, too talky and informal, but I suppose that's your style (see? Objective =]) Don't worry, I didn't like Thechosenone's alternative either (but I'm not here to criticise him) =P Who's Naga? Also, I didn't think Acolytes were so vulnerable to the cold. I'm sure it's more a case of December's assault hurting her, but it doesn't come accross that way. You're getting better. Keep it up =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ukrocky Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Ha, love how the neverborn just wade in. Shows that they're totally overpowered! Great story. I would love to see you work some more with the tyrants, and play around with them a bit more, especially Nytmare! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Interesting story over all. I like the idea, but some of the structure and spelling issues make it hard to read. I did have a little trouble following what was going on as well, but some of that may do with my being less familiar with the Cult's background. Thanks for the story! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted August 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Thanks panda I forgot the cult had immunity from the cold, although the clause you added made sense, will add it shortly. Naga is another Tyrant, like December or the Plagued, just one not in the books Ha, love how the neverborn just wade in. Shows that they're totally overpowered! Great story. I would love to see you work some more with the tyrants, and play around with them a bit more, especially Nytmare! Dream world LCB is much more powerful there Interesting story over all. I like the idea, but some of the structure and spelling issues make it hard to read. I did have a little trouble following what was going on as well, but some of that may do with my being less familiar with the Cult's background. Thanks for the story! Sorry about the poor spelling and bad grammar. Writing isn't my strongest side imagination on the orther side probably my strongest Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paddywhack Posted August 4, 2012 Report Share Posted August 4, 2012 Sorry about the poor spelling and bad grammar. Writing isn't my strongest side imagination on the orther side probably my strongest No worries Everyone can always use more practice. Grammar in stories is difficult as you don't have to stay academic in a story meant for entertainment, but you don't want your literary flourishes to make it harder for your audience to read. A fine line sometimes. Keep up the great work! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
El Indio Posted August 5, 2012 Report Share Posted August 5, 2012 A nifty concept, and I enjoy seeing Lord Chompy doing something on his own time, but (pardon the pun) I was left a little cold. I felt like I never really got to know the acolyte, in the sense that I never felt what she felt, physically or emotionally. Using multiple senses and giving more insight into what a character thinks about his or her circumstances can go a long way towards letting us into the world of a story and investing a bit of ourselves into the words. Mechanically, the one thing that really stood out to me was that you almost never put punctuation at the end of your dialogue. Your dialogue comes in sentences, and sentences need to be closed out by a punctuation mark. So, for example: "No, I wont die here and I refuse to be December or anyone else's puppet" This is a flat statement with no dialogue attribution. Close it off with a period (or an exclamation point, if you're feeling melodramatic): "No, I wont die here and i refuse to be December or anyone else's puppet." Another example: "But why me" This is a question; it needs to be closed out by a question mark: "But why me?" Finally: "I can work with this" smiled the acolyte as she flew towards the city of Malifaux. In this case, "smiled" is an alternate form of dialogue attribution; another version of "said." You don't want a period to end the line (even though it is its own sentence in context), because the "smiled" is part and parcel of what is being said -- it is a descriptor of the dialogue itself. You want a comma to indicate that. So: "I can work with this," smiled the acolyte as she flew towards the city of Malifaux. Remember these rules, and pay attention to the little things, and it will all come out technically correct in the end -- the best kind of correct. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted August 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted August 5, 2012 Thanks for the feedback, also a great help with the grammar Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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