Iron Quill 2013 (The Starry Road) - Brilliant Ambitions

[Kalkris]

Brilliant Ambitions

~~~

Brittany and I met Earthside, when the two of us were fairly young. From our early grade-school days, we were pretty much inseparable. We stuck quite close through the years, staying friends for the longest time. Hell, we even dated for a little while, but as with most teenage relationships, it didn’t quite last. After a particularly bad spat, we broke up, and then there was a bit of an awkward phase between us. One thing – the mediocrity of awkwardness – lead to another, and we parted ways in 1891, when we were both eighteen. I never saw her again, until much later.

Brittany always wanted to be a showgirl growing up. She often dreamt, she told me, of performing as a star in cabaret acts all over the globe. I wondered if she’d ever attain that goal. She was very pretty, and extremely confident.

I was never much of an overachiever in university, and – don’t you know it – soon after Brittany and I broke it off I dropped out of the California Academy of Sciences, not only highly depressed that my best friend was gone but also… Well, I had no real plans of graduating. I would have graduated in 1893, but alas, that was not to be. I was to graduate at the top of my class in the field of archaeology and anthropology. I had always loved stories of relic hunters, tribal savages, and tomb robbers. Those kind of stories still to this day carry a certain weight to them. I loved the idea of becoming an archaeologist, searching the ruins of various dead nations. One of these days, I remember thinking, I may even be able to visit Malifaux. I might be commissioned by the Guild to find priceless treasures and make a mint for my folks back home! They’ll be so proud! When I dropped out, my folks were so displeased that they disowned me and kicked me to the curb. I was able to get up off my posterior and get a job and apartment of my own.

… It was 1898 when that old dream of visiting the damned city of Malifaux resurfaced and soon thereafter took over every facet of my thoughts. I had heard stories of the Breach reopening, and I felt – no, I knew – that I was destined to travel through it. Frantically I tried my very hardest to appeal to the Guild to let me go to the city as an archaeologist for them, but without my degree I was snubbed and turned aside. I was losing money taking trips to various Earthside Guild offices, attempting to win their favor through a trade that, like me to them, I had forgone. I’d even quit my job at the thought of this endeavor. Soon, I would not have the funds to pay rent on my apartment, and I’d be out on the street again. The Guild officers were looking right through me as if I were made of glass, and I was losing hope quickly. My desperation began to peak.

There is only one Breach. However, there is more than one way to enter it.

The alarms rang loudly on March 6^th, 1898 at 8:17 PM at the Natural History Museum of the California Academy of Sciences. I had successfully managed to nab one of the Museum’s prized relics, a gleaming purple gem dating back to long before anyone had even heard of Malifaux. I had done it: I’d stolen from the Museum, as planned. On the flipside, I didn’t want to be successful at all. Sure, the precious jewel would fetch a mint on the black market, granting me enough money to finish university and appeal again with a full degree, but that would have been years from now, and I wanted to go now.

Sadly, I escaped the confines of the Museum and the city without so much as a moment’s notice. With no options left for an immediate departure to Malifaux, I decided to go to the closest Guild office and give myself up.

At the office, the marshal leered at me. “Mister Justin… Finjers, is it?”

“Yessir,” I said, meekly.

“You, sir, would be in for a world of hurt,” the marshal growled, “if not for the fact that the Governor of Malifaux has requested you be sent his way. He has a task for you. If you can manage it…” He sighed. “You’ll be off scott-free.”

My heart jumped. I had hoped that I’d be sent there, but as a fugitive. I had devised all sorts of means to escape the law and run away a fugitive, to live my life as a rogue relic thief. But here I am, on request of the Governor himself, headed for Malifaux a free man!

“Sir,” I said, “I will take him up on that.”

“It’s not like you had much of a choice anyway, Mister Finjers,” the marshal said, tossing to me the gem I’d stolen from the Museum, which had been confiscated prior. “The Governor insists that you bring that with you.”

The train ride to Malifaux was exhilarating, to say the least. I saw the sky’s colors shift from blue to deep gray within moments of entering the Breach, and on the way to the station I’d even seen a couple Nephilim being chased elsewhere by some Guild officers. I was in awe that my dream had come true.

While sitting alone in the Governor’s office, I was approached by his secretary. Mr. Mattheson bent over to speak to me in my seat. “The Governor requests that you transport the gem you pilfered to the Honeypot Casino, a few miles away. You will know it by the waft of debauchery, I’m sure.” He then sent me on my way.

Getting to the Honeypot was pretty simple. There were many signs, which increased in number and vibrancy as I got closer to the establishment. At the casino, I was greeted by the owner, Jakob Lynch, who seemed quite keen to impress me, dressed in what I could only imagine was his Sunday best, and speaking in a very gentlemanly Southern drawl.

“Well, how do you do, Mister…“ Mr. Lynch lacked for a name, which I then gave him. “Fingers, is it?”

I did not correct him. “Well then, Mister Fingers, if’n you’ll step right this way,” gesturing to a downward-spiraling staircase, “We will dis-cuss our business transaction.”

I was about to take my first step when I was stopped by one of Mr. Lynch’s lovely ladies.

“Hey there, sweetheart. You look like you could use a bit of brilliance to relax some…” She handed me a shot glass filled with a gleaming violet brew. “Bottom’s up, big boy…“ I took the shot in a gulp and nearly choked half to death. It tasted smoky and yet somehow sweet, like some indescribably sugary fruit. It stung a little going down, but I felt really wonderful after drinking it! I felt like nothing could ever go wrong. I suppose, in hindsight, that the lady wanted to boost my confidence for this meeting with Mr. Lynch, but then, the road to Hell is paved with good intentions.

As I ventured downstairs, Mr. Lynch grinned. “I am pleased to know that you have that crystal. It is actually just fossilized bark, which when added to drinks in chunks, makes the drinkers feel fan-tastic. And now, Mister Fingers, if you could hand me that crystal…”

His voice trailed off, and his hand gestured a nonverbal demand to hand it over. I did so, complacent while on my rush.

Suddenly the air grew cold, and the room grew oddly dark. “Mr. Lynch, what is that… dark… feeling, pray tell?” I asked.

“Oh, that’s just withdrawal. You’ll feel better in a mo-ment-o.” He smugly grinned, his eyes knowing my condition very well. “Personally, I never touch the stuff, but that’s just me.”

My mind grew weak. Was this a withdrawal? I could swear I’d seen a pair of enormous glowing eyes peer into my soul moments before… before… I…

I woke up, sitting in the antechamber of the main hall of the Honeypot. I still felt so weak, but I knew how to remedy it. I needed some more of that drink. I looked high and low for the lady who’d given me my fix before, but there was no sign of her anywhere.

Out of the blue, I was jostled by that same lady. “Terribly sorry, ma’am,” I apologized.

“Oh, no worries,” she said, when suddenly I got a good long look at her face. I knew then the reason I had ventured to Malifaux.

Maybe it was the afterglow of my drink, but I was compelled to figure out if I was right or not. “Excuse me, ma’am, your name wouldn’t happen to be Brittany Cobb, would it…?”

Her expression quickly changed from business to surprise. “…Justin? My God, is that you?”

“Yes’m.” I smiled, and she smiled back.

“Well, old friend, it’s been a while…” Her voice trailed off. “How about the two of us get a drink?”

And that’s how one obsession turned into another, and back again. Brittany never got to be a star, but she came damn close. And as for my aspirations? To hell with them. As long as I have good friends and great drink, I don’t need them. They can rot, as dreams deferred should…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

LENGTH: 1570 words + title (sorry for extending a bit)

THEME: “To the stars”

CHARACTER: “The Glass Man”

LINE: “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.”

---------- Post added at 01:11 AM ---------- Previous post was at 01:09 AM ----------

First draft finished, and I am definitely looking for preliminary feedback!

~Lil Kalki

Edited January 20, 2013 by Kalkris

[edonil]

Clever plays on the ideas! I really liked how you used the theme. The character was a little bit to figure out what you were doing, but quite good. The story flows pretty well, except in a couple spots... the scene where he's talking to the guard seems to change pace abruptly, but not horribly so. One thing that I did notice that seemed odd was that you have him say the he 'returned to Malifaux' when he runs into Brittany again...did you mean that he returned to the Casino? Or did you want a different word than return?

Good job for a first draft!

[Kalkris]

One thing that I did notice that seemed odd was that you have him say the he 'returned to Malifaux' when he runs into Brittany again...did you mean that he returned to the Casino? Or did you want a different word than return?

Good job for a first draft!

Thank you kindly! Also, yes, the latter was my intended effect. I meant to say something along the lines of "ventured" rather than "returned," and the story has been edited to correct the error. Thank you for that as well!

~Lil Kalki

[ThePandaDirector]

Technical

This sentence didn't sound right to me "I’d even quit my job in the think of this endeavor."

I suspect this sentence is supposed to be its own paragraph; it should be. "There is only one Breach. However, there is more than one way to enter it."

Story

While I thought the first few paragraphs were a little large, they do well to not only introduce us to the characters, but also get us to connect to them before the story gets into its stride.

The bit about Nephilim could have been worded better, as could the whole passing through the Breach. Like many stories, I almost always see the inclusion of Lucius as slightly forced (surely he has better things to do?)

Not entirely sure how Justin and Brittany didn't recognise each other right away, but I accepted it. Quite like the sentiment of the final paragraph, as you expect these "Mr Nobody's first trip to Malifaux" to end in a horrible and oh so tragic death. This, however, has a more realistic, bittersweet conclusion that provides closure with a more satisfying finality (it's unlikely Justin will ever leave the Honeypot). I would say that is this story's best quality.

Theme

Theme was not this story's best quality. The glass man bit made no sense, as there was no reason why Justin would choose that comparison. The "road to Hell..." was also forced and didn't make much sense as there was nothing to indicate that Justin expected any kind of trouble. The star theme was probably the best, but only thanks to the characters and the sentiment of the final paragraph. I think that Justin and Brittany could easily have been connected to the glass man and star respectively. Glass without light is a dull, fragile object, and one form of light is starlight; pretty sure you can make some analogy out of that.

Overall a pleasing enough story that wasn't as hard to get into as first appeared, but I had to get past forced themes to get to a satisfying conclusion.

[Kalkris]

Thank you for your very constructive response, ThePandaDirector! Actually, I had to space out my paragraphs when moving this from my Word file, so the "more than one way through the Breach" bit being attached to the earlier paragraph was a typographical error. Thank you for catching that.

~Lil Kalki