The ballad of a Midnight Painter.

[Breadcrab]

Hello there.

I am positive I am doing this wrong, but i have gotten the fool notion in my head to endeavor to create a... plog?

Yes, I just checked.. .you call it a "plog"... i guess.......

..

Look, it's Alf! He's back! In PLOG form

Moving on.

I see countless posts from borderline professionals who crank out lilliputian leaden recreations of the Pietà in an hour,

Oh this? Well I had lost the use of my arms... so I taped a sculpting hook to my manhood and gave myself an hour... sorry for the crappy pic.

and often these paintings/moddings have vague descriptions, usually something to the effect of "i didn't like the curl of the lip, so I re-flared it with a CNC mill and a borrowed micrometer that i just had laying around." See diagram below:

This took me over an hour to make... I laboured over the correct star placement for the length of at least 3 levels of inception.

So the thing I kept missing is the "every-man's" painting story, the belabored error filled schadenfreude, of a relatively average fellow with a job, kids, and a late model Buick that could be counted as a hate crime in at least 4 Tennessee counties.

I promise slightly fewer histrionic episodes than this guy.

Below you will find the ramblings of a man with no practical experience trying to start fresh with potentially the most over "plogged" faction on these here boards. (The undead ones.) Don't feel slighted fellow zombie makers, we're all in the same boat here.

Oh.. Nerdelemental spent 15 minutes painting this you say? I'll show myself to the Foyer of Self Loathing, just past the vomitorium.

You may ask what I hope to accomplish from all this, and the answer is: "I have no bloody clue."

Cheers.

[Pistorius]

Hilarious first post, sir. Like yourself, I am the the everyman hobbyist and my mediocrity is shines forth for all the world to see.

Godspeed on your painting endeavors!

[Breadcrab]

Funfacts. I am over thirty, have a job, and 3 very small children.. so small... with tiny prying fingers... the tinest...

I wanted to name the one on the right Mandiblar.. but my wife said she'd get teased.

Don't get me wrong, they are the light of my life, blah blah father speach, my kids rule. They do however complicate things when it comes to building/priming/painting. So, for everyones safety and my sanity, I do all my work after they go to bed.

Not pictured: Feces

I am obviously not a professional. My "game crafting" routine consists of "walking past my tackle-box full of stuff" and giving it a hard stare that would make Paddington Bear blush. Then I like to go make a pot of tea. Then it's right back to the tackle-box where I am overwhelmed with malaise, which is fine, because at this point the water is ready for the tea.

After getting the pot and kettle in order I like to walk halfway to the tackle-box before deciding to pee... or just pretend I'm peeing so that my wife doesn't ask why I am doing this nonsense for the fifth night in a row.

It's at this point that I like to go for a shot of tequila, and then move the tackle-box to the kitchen table, where I do all my work... like a hobo.

"Who has frostbite in both thumbs and is excited about the Kaeris box? This guy.

After staring down the tackle-box for a couple more minutes, as one is prone to do when handling a tetanus elemental, my wife likes to take this moment to look up from her knitting and call me a ponce. Since this is a bold new chapter in my gaming career, I think to myself: "Man, this is going on the internet... i need a night-vision camera. Also, I should try to organize this hot mess of a carry-all since i haven't really cleaned it since.. ever..."

So I liberally sprinkle it's contents out on my table, and take in the breadth of my evenings project.

Bugger.

If you look closely in the hoarders rendition of Guernica I just painted on my Kitchen Table you'll see a couple games workshop pots. These badboys are a lovely '94 vintage with a surprising finish i think you'll enjoy. Also i found some thread, ribbon, at least three bottles of india ink, and I think a femur at one point. This simply will not due. After some heavy scrubbing, and a Judge Doom style disinfectant bath for the old box, I headed out to the American crafting Mecca "Michaels" to acquire some proper lighting and perhaps update some of my paints. This was a mistake...

[Headcase2]

Hilarious. And a bit sad. If I ever have kids I'll call one Mandibular, in your honour.

[AmishLuvah]

I too am the average everyman. I can bring myself to paint only so often and "speed painting" is not something I can accomplish.

[dsmiles]

Love this. LOVE IT!

Another everyman painter here, though I've been doing it for *cough24cough* years, and mediocrity is my mistress.

[xGIxJOKERx]

Love it. I can't wait to read more. Freakin' Colin Farrell up there sums it up perfectly.

[dgraz]

You say you're not much of a painter, but you're freakin' funny as hell.

I'm making this post just to make sure I'm subscribed to your thread so I don't miss a thing!

[McKB]

Excellent!

Exactly as if I was reading my twin paint-brother's story.

Keep the faith!

[Stern]

This is great!

as previously said your as funny as hell

[FoeRender]

def. awesome read . I am in the same boat 3 boys and the lady to tend with I paint in wee hours of the night myself .

[nerdelemental]

Oh.. Nerdelemental spent 15 minutes painting this you say? I'll show myself to the Foyer of Self Loathing, just past the vomitorium.

Why you gotta call me out, Hater?

It's what haters do?

Me: \/

:lelu

You: \/

:stitched

Don't self-loathe, too much. The piece I slaved over for at least six hours for the Gencon Comp doesn't look a stitch better than the 15 minute washed pieces!

[Breadcrab]

Me: \/

:lelu

You: \/

:stitched

You're a fabulous pink princess and I'm a fatsack? I hadn't drawn that analogy personally, I mean if that's how you roll I'll bust out the Prince and the vajazzler.

I instantly regret this plan.

[AmishLuvah]

You're a fabulous pink princess and I'm a fatsack? I hadn't drawn that analogy personally, I mean if that's how you roll I'll bust out the Prince and the vajazzler.

You sir just gave me a marvelous idea for my wife's Christmas present this year.

[maverickman5]

You're a fabulous pink princess and I'm a fatsack? I hadn't drawn that analogy personally, I mean if that's how you roll I'll bust out the Prince and the vajazzler.

I instantly regret this plan.

I always knew there was something kinky going on with you two...

[dgraz]

:bitchslap

:rofl:

You guys are killin' me!

[dafruk]

Is this another of those amazing paint blogs which next to never actually include any painting?

I love them, always much better than those brilliant people who paint things non-stop and show off their endless fantastic ability!

My tip for the day get 2 boxes for your stuff put 90% of your paints, supplies etc that you don't need for your current project in that big box and keep 10-20 paints you're commonly using on your current crew along with a waterpot, couple of brushes and handful of figures you are currently painting in another much smaller box which you can get out and put on the table without your wife rolling her eyes at you/calling you a ponce! In no way at all is this something learned through experience...

[Breadcrab]

Hey, thanks everyone for the comments! I honestly wasn't sure people were going to dig my ... "unique presentation methods."

Naw dude. Dude, naw.

Enough gushing!

So if i'm going to do this painting thing "right" I am going to need a light.

I was painting just with the dulcet glow of my overhead dining table light, painfully recreating the working conditions of a Benedictine monk pouring over an illuminated manuscript... wrapped around a nubby bit of tin alloy.

Oh... there are pockets... and filigree..let me introduce you to my partner Devlan Mud.

So I needed a light, and being me, no Target brand desk lamp would do the trick. I crammed my family into the minivan like so much graham in a late 90's cereal commercial and headed off to "Michaels," a franchised crafting emporium built on the sweat and ire of a thousand purse mouthed old ladies.

"I am overwhelmed with love."

I actually kinda grew up in a craft store, so once you get used to darting from cover to cover avoiding the scrapbookers and the listless gaze of the staff, there is a tremendous amount of useful material you can get out of there "on the cheap."

I hem and haw over the lights ranging from "Pure unfiltered light, cascading from a diffuse font of halogen," to "bulb on a bit of a stick," all while my wife patiently is recreating the "Hammond and the Compy's" scene from the end of Jurassic park.

Then I see it! the holy grail of hobby lights! A portable magnifying LED lamp with a table clamp and 2x zoom! All for a price that I can in NO way justify spending!

Yeah... pretty much just like this.

As my sense of wonderment grew, so to did my daughters diaper sized recreation of the Fukushima disaster, so we made haste to the checkout just as the CDC was starting to assemble.

Getting to the front of a craft store is tricky business when your wife is strapped to a mewling infant. You see, old crafting women love babies, and more importantly, love to touch babies while chastising your parenting methods, but you put up with this because "who are you to ruin this glimmer of joy in the dwindling twilight of some random strangers life."

And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever... Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Fortunately I was brandishing a fuming toddler like Bill Cosby wielding a Hotdog in Leonard part 6, and we made it to checkout in record time! [Note to self: feed the kids more prunes when shopping]

Yeah... That's right... Leonard Part 6.. whatchugot?

After a diaper change and a stop at Costco for some hotdogs we headed home, where the lamps lay in wait for midnight.. AND SCIENCE!

Edited September 26, 2011 by Breadcrab

[Breadcrab]

Is this another of those amazing paint blogs which next to never actually include any painting?

Thanks, and probably! I never know when I start a project like this how far I'll take it. If nothing else, It's a tremendous amount of fun!

You sir just gave me a marvelous idea for my wife's Christmas present this year.

:twitch:

I always knew there was something kinky going on with you two...

I have seen the buffalo that no man should see...

[AmishLuvah]

:twitch:

Oh yes. The Vajazzler is on the list...

[dsmiles]

BWAHAHAHAHHAAAHHAAAA!!!

(Also, good choice on the lamp. I have one myself, and it was the best investment I've made in mini-painting supplies to date.)

[Breadcrab]

I blearily stumbled out of the bedroom around midnight,

I have once again fallen asleep putting my oldest to bed. What I'm pretty sure happens is I fall asleep after reading Goodnight Moon for the 18 trillionth time, and then, out of boredom he stops his 1:60 scale rebuilding of the transcontinental railroad for his soulless anthropomorphic locomotives, and decides to call it a night.

You might ask why I let my three year old sleep with toy trains... If this is the case you clearly do not have a three year old.

The dead eyes follow you... just like in House of Wax.

As I sneak out of the kids room, I deftly avoid the field of lego caltrops. My wife snorts loudly as I stub my toe on the door jam, and writhe silently in agony, doing my best impersonation of Marcel Marceau having a stroke at the precipice of the dining room.

Just like this.. only with a hirsuite man with poofy glasses.

So what I wanted to do here was do a comparison of all the lighting options I had, so you internet folk could take them into account and maybe get something useful out of this thread... which means.. I needed to actually get around to figuring out how to take a picture of a mini...frabjous.

Well see what i've managed to do in the past here. Warning: this is going to get ugly.

Well here's some embarassing past work.

So let's see, we have:

Over Exposed,

N64's Shadowman, and

"The Blurry Maybe I Can Fix This in Photoshop Automaton Jubilee."

Well these aren't going to do at all. So for the sake of science, I set up a mini on the table to be my model. Looking over the camera here, this doesn't seem to complicated.

Push button.

Make turn on.

Hold silver dealy to make camera elfs make picture on screen...

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnnnd

OH GOD NO! SWEET BABY J WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHYYYY?!?!

Alright, a couple bundles of sage and a de-possesed camera later, we get this

The mug came with a sterling silver snowman spoon.. aren't you glad you asked about it

Here's a fistful of testing apparatus, lets get to some science. "Not going to lie to you folks, we're throwing science at the wall and seeing what sticks."

Note to self: use lemons as flame pillars... count blank gazes in response to joke... make okayguy.jpg face during game night.

The control photo: All auto settings, overhead lighting only.

Cool! So if i had had 5 shots of Ouzo, and was trying to talk myself into taking this mini home to ride on my disco-stick we would be in business! :stoned:

No worries! I took a photo class one time! Lets just shut that pesky flash off and set the exposure time for "Looooooooooooooooooooooooooong"

Hmmm blurry AND impossibly dark... so i have recreated what is to my knowledge the worlds first N64 camera obscura.

Next attempt: Digging through the submenu's on the camera, it turns out there is a "macro" setting on the camera. This sounds important.

HEY! I know that guy! That there is a handsome looking control group.

Alright so let's start testing some lights! We all "know" that the more light you have the better. According to painting blogs around the net, more light has a magical effect on the paints themselves, and the proper light can turn the mewling $$$$$$$$ant painter into the master painter! (I will repeat this rant when I get to brushes, paint, and water.)

So, Why not take the most powerful and direct lightsource in my house and go all Hank Scorpio on this sumbitch

The warning should read "I'm bout to make it rain.......hyper-accelerated particles....

and the model says...

You may not burn Mr. Bond.. but every cat in the Detroit Metropolitan area is on there way here to bat at you.. savagely.. so much savage batting..

That was a stupid idea.

NEXT!

Alright this is a super pragmatic idea. I have a LED headlamp, this way I can paint EXACTLY what I'm looking at, never getting shadows in weird places!

Protip: Don't bust this bad boy out in the bedroom, wives don't like spelunking metaphors.

aaand.... Survey says?

Hunh! well that's a little blue cast, but honestly I think this could work, especially if i was colorblind. Werd to my colorblind peeps. ...I am too white to do that... also... it is not 1992...

Edited September 28, 2011 by Breadcrab

[Breadcrab]

I know what you're asking though! "What about that awesome desk lamp you just bought a couple posts ago?"

Just be happy I stopped photoshopping before angels, glitter, and boobs were added.

Alright pricey magnifier lamp, lets see what your tri-beam LED light bombardment can do!!!! LET ALL BASK IN YOUR PHOSPHORESCENT GLORY!!!!!

Oh.

Hmm.. apparently "glowing intensity matching the Day-Star" translates into "having your minis get perpetually night blinded by that guy driving with the halogen beams in the middle of the country.

These halogen's make the panties drop like the NASDAQ son!

So that is a bummer.. The super cool light I spent to much money on is too bright on the high points of the model, makes my shadows too severe to paint around, and generally gives the feeling that Dwarfy here is about to explain to his drinking buddies where the probe went.

Another downside of this little guy is that I perpetually had a bendy plastic snake in between me and the mini. Now I'm sure this isn't a big deal for a lot of people, but the last thing I need when I set down to paint is one more irritant reminding me that I could be hosing down fictitious corporate monuments in feces.

Like Picasso's "Guernica," it speaks to the common man's plight

Well, it looks like I'm going back to the store...

[FoeRender]

The best way too take a photo is to have light coming from all angles the sides and from the front . that's why people use light box's for the best results . Google them fore examples .

now I am no expert but have gone through what your going threw so can pass on what I learned . If your not going to build a light box take some paper I like to use white to bounce the light around the model . Once I obtain more lights to set around the model I will go to a back round that can absorb the light instead .

here I had a paper behind here and bent to go under her as well , not folded but bent . than a paper on each side forming a paper box ( see it all goes back to a light box ) I have one single source of light coming from the front of the model raised to just above the models height . I took the picture from right below that light . I used a white 100 watt bulb.

hope this helps . I been taking these with a phone camera 5.0 mega pixal . And yes the macro setting on camera's is a very important part of the equation .

[dsmiles]

Here's a link to the link to my minis. Crappy old camera, pale grey background, garbage for lighting. Sometimes you can almost see the minis. So, here's what not to do.