Iron Quill 2013 Starry Road Entry: Helping each other

[rancor709]

Malifaux started as a new and exciting adventure much like the first time she had gone to the great New City earth Side the first time after taking the long boat ride. It was full of wonder and splendor and for those just crossing danger. Real and imagined, but Sara was special she felt it, like she knew. That didn’t play well in the streets, and neither did gentle folk mixing with the common riff raff of the slums. Her father’s intentions were the best coming breachside and making a new life, but as they say good intentions often take you down a road to perdition. Sara would find this out all too soon.

Her father had taken work with the union, his skill in finance and logistical planning had helped him secure a contract to assist the rail lines. What he thought was to be a plush office job, was in reality a front for shady backdoor dealings and book cooking for what he found was a powerful and dangerous organization. He’d become a criminal the moment he’d signed the contract and it was dawning on him what that really meant.

As her father was changing so was Sara not only growing older but finding an inner strength she’d never have found if they hadn’t crossed over. It started small she would talk to the children who would visit her at night. They would talk of great expectations for her, and how she would soon awaken. She thought the children were charming despite not having pupils in their eyes. Her father’s frequent absence was fine; she was making friends and powerful ones at that.

Sara’s father found himself frequently entering the small whiskey stop on his way home from the office and engaging in many games of kings tarot. James was trying to forget what he’d become, trying to forget who he was before he’d crossed the breach. And the trouble with trying to forget is before you can you’ll find yourself at the bottom of quite a few bottles of Soulstone Gin and even worse, the wrong side of many hands.

The slums is a place that much more is settled with a fist and pistol, than with words and drinks. He’d found himself in a desperate situation. He’s gambling debts were mounting, but he couldn’t walk away, not to go home to Sara and show her the waste he’d become. No he must make this right a plan formed in his mind.

A sober James would of told him the foolhardiness of his plan but no this was for his daughter. He began to slowly at first siphon guild script off the top of the project into his pockets a missed zero here, a lesser than agreed bribe by a few script there. James became bolder, he began canceling invoices, and then routing it to supply issues. The problem with stealing from criminals is they watch their pocketbooks closer than a honest man ever would. The sins he’d committed had been noticed and judgment would come and that right soon.

“When men reach for the stars in the slums of Malifaux they are asking for fate to let them fall and break there damn necks, least that’s how it’s around here McGavin.” Snarled Thomas through his yellowed teeth, he shifted his Cuban to the left taking a long draw he continued in a soft but forceful tone, “You were happy to take our script McGavin, but where’s my damn material. The project’s two months behind and the guild is getting suspicions and I have to say he’s not pleased with you.” The words crashed on Sara’s father washing over him. He’d taken the script it was only a matter of time till the union traced it back to him.

Sara missed her father, but when she would get sad, her friends would come and they would have long talks. They would tell Sara things about her father, special things private things. They would tell her about the money he keep in the desk and the special place he hide a key. She liked the way her friends talked; it made her melancholy mood better. She felt her friends were helping her take care of her daddy.

They were getting closer to him, he had to move the money if he didn't and union found it, he knew what would happen. Worse if they knew he had it, and they came for it and he didn't know where it was. James tried to move the thought from his mind quickly. It was safely in the desk’s false leg. Just enough to him and Sara back earthside. Malifaux was too much for him and not a place to raise a daughter. He would could avoid the union there; his fortune restored with the script he’d hadn't gambled or drank away. A fresh start that’s all they needed. He was babbling to himself as he rushed home.

Sara was playing a game with her friends, it was a treasure hunt. She had found the key they’d told her about and she’d used it to open the chest. She had placed the clockwork Pistol neatly on the desk, just as the young boy had told her too. She than carefully removed the leg of the desk and found a lot of money. Sara became angry as daddy was always telling her how poor they were and how hard he had to work. Her friends jumped at the angry and told her all about her father’s indiscretions. How he didn’t want her to have nice things. How he’d been a drunk and cheat and not a diligent worker in fact he stole all that money. Sara knew what to do, she took the money to the fireplace and it blazed. Sara took the paper and the quill on her father’s desk and wrote what her friends told her. She placed her note in the leg of the desk and closed it back. Her friends told her to follow them and she followed them out of the house to help finish the trick on her daddy.

James came home, to an empty house, Sara had never not been there when waiting when he’d returned. He searched the house for her panicking. He ran to his desk he noticed his grandfather’s pistol was on his desk. Terror gripped him, where was Sara, with a morbid curiosity he opened the leg of his desk. No money to be found, but a note in his daughters hand. Daddy they have taken me, they want their payment and money won’t do, the original terms of payment only. P.S. The gun on the desk is loaded.

I swear that what I am telling you is the whole truth Sara. Remember that I have always loved and will always love you no matter what they say, I did all of it for you. But I didn’t know how long I had before my sins catch up to me, and I can’t have them catch up to you. But its too late for that. My sins are my own and the punishment is mine and mine alone. I’m sorry that I don’t have the courage to do more, or that I failed to stop myself. But you’ll learn as you get older that the hardest of consequences come from the easiest of decisions. Remember your father as he was, not as he is now or how you’ll find him. Sincerely, James McGavin.

Her friends lead her back to the house in time to hear a load bang followed by a thud. She entered the house the smell of sulfur was heavy in the air; she saw the note her father had laid out on the table. Sara smiled her friends were all around her and they had brought new friends. They all walked in to where her father now lay. She’d done it all for her father as well seeing him at peace finally was so joyous to her. Until she tried to wake him, Sara began to cry her young mind realizing the horrific consequences that her “friends“ had… no she had done, she wrote the note, she burned the money, she put great granddad’s pistol on the desk. The young boy appeared again, reminding Sara of what she’d done, he seemed to glowing from the emotion she displayed. He uttered a single bone chilling phrase… “The road to hell is paved with good intentions.” As she turned away from him in shame, he raised his butchers knife to end his friends pain.

[ThePandaDirector]

Technical

This story was very hard to read. I was going to highlight a few sentences, but the fact is that I'd be better off rewriting the whole thing (with the exception of "and for those just crossing danger" which I can neither understand nor think of any alternative phrasing). The structure of sentences and paragraphs is poor and it randomly falls into present tense a few times. Also the father's letter following directly after the daughter's left me confused until I continued reading.

Story

Despite it being very difficult to read, I was still able to grasp the story. It was actually quite good; the dad was sympathetic while the daughter was curious. The only problem I had was figuring out how old Sara was (I mean if the boy is Kade then she must be pretty damn young), and the start made her seem a lot older than I imagined by the end.

Theme

The pistol was a decent prop, more functional than anything, but integrated well enough. Amongst all the horrible sentences, one really stood out as being quite inspired:

"When men reach for the stars in the slums of Malifaux they are asking for fate to let them fall and break their damn necks[...]"

Despite misspelling "their", I really like this and how it highlights the theme through an antagonistic, but nevertheless wise, perspective.

Overall I would say that with some more effort on the technical front (which includes seeking help from people and pandas), this story and all future narratives would make for quite fun reading.

Edited January 19, 2013 by ThePandaDirector