ThePandaDirector Posted June 11, 2012 Report Share Posted June 11, 2012 (edited) Here's the second draft of my story, word count roughly 2898. I'm happy for it to be disqualified, thanks to everyone who contributed criticism =D The Legacy of Fallen Leaves Written by ThePandaDirector Edited by UberGruber His mind was a swirl and his vision clouded by the blurring lights and shadows. Pain wracked his whole body and he gripped the stone wall at his back lest it sweep him into the swirling abyss. Once he managed to slow his frantic breathing and drumming heartbeat, he groaned: "What is it you want?" "Justice." Slowly, his vision clarified and a black leather knee high boot came into focus. Squinting, his gaze tilted up, past a bare athletic abdomen to a tightly laced bodice draped with thick red hair up to a . . . Smile. Yet this was no expression of joy nor reassuring gesture of good will, but malevolence, composed by voluptuously youthful lips that belied an intellect beyond natural inheritance. She looked down at him with the supreme judgement reserved for waning life reaching its accounting, understanding all his fallacies and misinterpreted intentions, yet with an alien quality that instilled an innocent terror. "Do you . .. like your new kingdom, your majesty?" She couldn't refrain from grinning, like she were asking a broken clock the time. Marius scanned his surroundings. The chamber was spacious but bare and the smooth stone walls were inscribed with markings he couldn't comprehend but he knew he must be in the depths of the ancient catacombs. After all this time he was finally here and though there were no treasures to be seen the secrets trapped within these walls would be more than enough for him to earn the recognition he craved. Then in a moment the promise was gone and replaced with a grim realisation. "Why don't you just kill me?" He sighed as she took a few steps away from him. She turned her head and raised an eyebrow in alarm. "You're not going to give up that easily? What was the point of coming to these dank depths, of leading those men and women to their deaths?" Marius protested, but the woman just sighed "Why, if you were just going to give up at the end of it all?" Marius lowered his head in despair. He was asking himself that same question. Then for the first time, anger seeped into her cool demeanour. "What did you hope to achieve?" :masks:masks:masks:masks:masks Rustling. It was all he could hear. Marius opened his eyes and looked out from his bedroom balcony. From the bottom of his garden, past regiments of wilted roses and camps of dead leaves harvested by the groundskeeper, a tall weeping willow met his wistful gaze. Its lanky limbs swayed gently in the breeze, every now and then saluting the morning sun. The lineage of leaves, a legacy of colour, held on for as long as memory allowed before being swept to join their heritage on the newly cut grass. Amongst the decomposing wonder around him, Marius found comfort in the peace with which the tree advanced towards rebirth. Do the branches collectively relieve themselves or is it the wind that dictates their cycle? He pondered for a moment before noting even a dead tree had more function than the swimming pool, now littered with the drifting ancestry of the garden. "My liege." The teasingly respectful words lifted him from his introspective solitude as Gina's arms wrapped around his torso. With her head resting on his broad shoulder, Gina searched the garden for a moment, with her Spring green eyes, for anything that satisfy her capacity for life. Seeing nothing she turned her attention to the handsome man in her arms. "What is his majesty doing looking at a dull garden when there is tea being served inside, where it also happens to be warmer I might add?" She shivered in her dressing gown and held onto Marius, for warmth and due affection. Marius brushed her off gently before taking her hand and kissing the largest jewel that adorned it. "Forgive me, my Queen, I needed some fresh air." Gina retracted her hand with a hushed compulsive giggle. "You can't call me that! What if Duggan heard, he'd have my neck on the gallows, the old sod." She gave an excitedly conspiratal glance inside before playfully slapping his chest. "Now come inside and we can finish the game we started last night." She raised a seductive eyebrow, "I believe you were trying to take my castle." Marius' mind wandered to last night, triggering a mischievous smile. Gina grinned and skipped back inside. Marius took a moment to look back to the ageing tree, wondering whether he too was tied to his forebears or if his fate resided in the cooling wind. "My King!" :tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes Victor Ramos led an excited Marius, dressed unsuitably smart, past broad, indistinguishable men engrossed in various forms of manual labour, their distant comrades seeming part of the shifting ash that covered the barren landscape. Massive cogs and drills kicked up dynasties of dust, each a branch of a single compounded contraption, a ménage of rivets glistening in the sweltering sun. Marius had thought his capacity for wonder had waned after his first trip to Malifaux, but the scale of the Doctor's operation was extraordinary. "Might I inquire what your proposition entails? This way your majesty." "Not your majesty, Doctor, I'm just a normal citizen now." Ramos met the clarification with polite apathy, "But yes, the job. My greatest desire out here in this strange new land is to defy my disapproving forebears by achieving that which they could only dream of, the secrets of the New World!" "I had understood you merely wished to map out some of the city sewers." "Oh... but beyond the sewers, deep below the city, are the labyrinthine catacombs that hold the true history of Malifaux; and unfathomable treasures, if rumour is to be believed." The pair came to a small station. Ramos opened the door for Marius who was swept up in his own oration. "An unexplored territory, right under people's feet! My intention is to lead an expedition to shed some light on what could be a whole other world." "My office, please." Ramos followed Marius into a room littered with the parts and tools of his trade. Ramos gestured Marius take a seat and after sorting through some papers, eased himself behind his desk. "How many personnel do you require to carry out this . . . expedition?" "I leave that to your judgement." "I thought you might." Ramos nimbly readjusted his tone, "I'm sure that will be no problem. Though, to be forward, there is the subject of payment also." "I've already invested heavily, but I'm prepared to go all the way to meet any further . . . commitments. Also you will share the rewards."Ramos nodded and said between sipping his tea: "And the Guild's involvement?" "Well . . . they haven't been quite as forthcoming as I had hoped. I dare say I have a bad reputation with the Governor since my abdication." Marius fidgeted with the gold band on his finger. "I'm afraid we won't be able to rely on any aid from them." Ramos smiled courteously and stood up. "Then we best make haste while the wheel yet turns." :masks:masks:masks:masks:masks Gently, gently, breathe, silence, stop! Gently, watch your step, it's turning, quick! Go! Marius lunged and swung his right arm around the creature's mouth to stifle it's howl, while hauling it back into the shadows. A struggle: powerful but petite wings beating against his heaving chest, taloned arms flailing and clawing; his embrace tightening, the beast sinking teeth into his elbow; yelping, tears distorting his vision, holding tighter. Tighter, tighter, don't let go, ignore the pain, breathe, silence, just like before. A familiar crack ended the struggle. Marius held on for a few moments longer, heavy breathing beating against the back of the creature's limp head. At last he released the creature and took a few moments to recollect himself. He couldn't stop the tears, not because of the pain in his elbow, but how far removed his reality was from the one he had envisioned when he had first relinquished responsibility for the promise of freedom. His trembling legs gave way. Silently, he collapsed to the floor and wept in heavy, desperate breaths. This was as far from freedom as you could get, trapped deep in the underworld, with no path home and only Lucifer's children for company. This was truly Satan's prison. Gina . . . Remember Gina. She's waiting for you to come home. You sacrificed everything for her, you can't let her down. His quivering legs made an attempt to rise, but the pain was too great. Ignore the pain dammit! What would Grandfather think of you if he saw you now, man lost a limb in the war. You swore you would never become them. Prove. Them. Wrong. His bloody arm slammed against the wall; nails grating, slowly, defiantly, he raised himself to his feet. He was going to make it, whatever it took, he was going to find a way out of this hole. Out of my forefathers' shadow. He stumbled back a little way and found his lamp. The light still glowed. A glimmer of hope? Marius Fitzroy the Second picked himself up and set off alone into the dark. :tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes "Why're we still in these stinking sewers?" "Will you give me peace!" "We're lost! Cicero's led us in bloody circles!" "Mr Dwight, there is a far greater science to navigation than I dare say your mind is capable of." "Y'hear that Findlay? The Doc' s'poses my mental capacity isnae up tae scratch. Well in that case I'll be sure to relinquish my toolbox to his infinite smart arsery next time Caerwyn and Gaerwyn need fixin' up!" "For the last time, Mr Dwight, I am not a Doctor, I am a historian!" "That's enough. Dwight, stop badgering the Doc'. Cicero, just get us wherever the Hell we meant to be." "I will do my utmost Mr Whittaker." "You do that, or you'll have to answer to Miss Wendy." Findlay gave a sly wink that was met by the composed mercenary with a smitten titter. He turned to their silent companion. Marius hadn't said so much as a word in the past hour and even then his attitude was far removed from the bright eyed kid at their initial assembly. "Hey boss, you ok?" Marius was fidgeting with his wedding ring, but managed a polite nod. "Fine, thank you." "Just ignore those two, they don't mix well." "Can I ask what your role is in this expedition?" The gentle giant chuckled at the politeness that was uncharacteristic in the people he often dealt with. "Me? It's my job to make sure that everyone's doing their job and that these two don't strangle each other." Marius let out a snigger. "There you go, it's not all doom and gloom." "But bad things do happen, right?" "Oh sure!" Wendy cried behind him, a bastard sword resting on her shoulder. Findlay roared with laughter, much to Marius' discomfort. "But that's how you know something's worth doing." :masks:masks:masks:masks:masks Just a bit further. What's that, a light? Come on, just a bit further . . . Howls chased him, carried on the wind, out of sight, snapping at his feet. Keep moving. Don't look back. The past is a lie. Keep moving forward. The light's getting closer. Keep moving. Don't look back . . . There's something in the light. "Gina . . ?" :rams:rams:rams:rams:rams "Is this in your best interests? In Miss Blake's best interests? In the best interests of your people, dammit?". "I have to follow the legacy of my heart." "Bullshi -- Please think this over: I don't think you're quite aware of the consequences." Marius sipped hot tea, gaze fixed on the balcony door, its glass frosted with the season's dressing. He reluctantly returned his attention to his impatient advisor. "Mr Duggan, you know that my great, great grandfather came to Malifaux during the First Breach?" "Of course; his disappearance was a tragedy." "Did I tell you about how my Grandfather lost a limb in the Second Soulstone War?" "I am aware that a Practitioner froze his leg solid and he was forced to amputate shortly before it defrosted . . . grisly stuff." "Quite." Marius dissolved an extra sugar cube in his tea. "Has my father ever recounted to you, Mr Duggan, what feats he accomplished in Malifaux since retiring here?" "Yes, yes, now please, your majesty, see reason. I know you've lived a life of solitude and you've found what feels like the real deal. I'm happy for you. But look at the legacy you're turning your back on. Your forefathers accomplished those feats so their sons might follow in their footsteps. Are you going to just give that up? Their sacrifices, all for nothing? What do you hope to achieve?" Marius pondered the question for a moment. His stoic gaze pulled back to the frosted door, branches of ice forming and dissolving as the northerly winds brought fresh snow. "My goal, Mr Duggan, is to fight the direction of the wind. We are all tied to the branches of our family tree; all awaiting the time when those branches, or the wind, choose to shake us loose and send us to join our ancestors among the worms." Duggan dips a biscuit but then sets it aside. "Only when I cut down the tree am I free of the wind that binds me to the fallacies of those before me. I am, in a word, reborn; free to achieve my own triumphs, to love who I choose, to live a life of liberty and discovery. To do otherwise would be to drifting with the current, my every choice dictated." "You're not going to budge are you?" Marius laughed. "You're going to have to live with this till the end, you know that?" "Till the end." "But remember, the king is always the king." "I wasn't born the king, Mr Duggan." It was now Duggan's turn to laugh. "Of course you were." :tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes "It won't stop bleeding!" "Wrap this around it." "Do I look like a bloody doc' to you?" "Argh... how many times... I'm not... a... Doctor..." "Did I say I was talking to you, now hold still, this is gonna smart." There was a high pitched cry that merged with the billowing howls of a progeny of monsters. "What did I tell you? You're doing good doc' we're gonna get you outta here. It's all gonna be shiny..." "They're closing in, we need to move, careful the ground's not stable. Don't hold him like that, here, take this." "We have to save Wendy!" "She's gone..." Findlay composed himself. "Now don't make me tell you-" "Where is... Mr Fitzroy?" "Boss, hold up, wait for us! Hey! Hey wait! Careful!" "Boss!" "He's gone, let's move!" :masks:masks:masks:masks:masks Gina is that you?" That's not Gina... :crows:crows:crows:crows:crows Rustling. "Leave them silly papers, come back to bed." "I've got so much work to do. So many plans Gina, you wouldn't believe. My father never understood. I've got the potential for so much more than this... If only I had more time..." Gina sauntered over to him, passing the unfinished chess game, picking up one of its more impressive pieces. Marius' attention turned to her beauty, forgetting how often her curves had sheltered his budding dreams from the sun and the rain. He embraced her, accepting the direction of the wind. She looked up at him and smiled a simple, joyful smile. Then tapped him on the head with the chess piece. "Checkmate!" :masks:masks:masks:masks:masks "Stand up human." "I... have... a name..." "Stand up, Marius Fitzroy." "Marius Fitzroy the Second... actually." Marius pulled himself to his feet and met the woman's demonic gaze. She cackled at his growing defiance. "You think you have the cultivation of parentage? The wisdom of life reduced to cinders? Do you think your blood thicker than the Styx, Fitzroy... the Second? Your ancestor was quite the swordsman, prove to me the seed is mightier than the blossom." Marius caught the sword she flung at him. He was in no condition to fight and no swordsman; in his quest for freedom he had neglected the things his father had pushed him to do. The irony was bittersweet. The woman circled him, a brutal looking greatsword clutched in elegant claws. A moment later she was upon him. "Footwork Marius, footwork!" His legs, clutched together, gave way and he nearly fell to the floor. His left foot twisted painfully and he stumbled to the side, just missing her downward strike. "Left swing, right uppercut, footwork, dammit!" He swung round, trying to regain balance, raising his sword to shield himself from her relentless hail of punishment. "Block! I said block! You're dead! You're bloody dead Marius; he stabbed you in the bloody chest! Learn from your mistakes!" She stabbed him in the bloody chest. He fell like a leaf: a slow, twisting descent to the cold stone floor. Blood formed in his mouth, the tang of copper making it hard to form words. "I was always.. King. This land is... my... birthright." "You know nothing of eternity. This is not your kingdom. Join your ancestors amongst the worms." His vision faded, then all memory of his family tree. Edited June 14, 2012 by ThePandaDirector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edonil Posted June 13, 2012 Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 That was very enjoyable. It took a little to figure out what the transitions were doing, but once I got the swing of it they flowed nicely. I will say, a nice take on the theme, taking the impact of a hangover and twisting it to be the effect of exhaustion instead of alcohol. A very emotive piece with how you did it. Some of the descriptions seemed a bit wordy, although that might just be style differences. And, odd as this may seem, I would recommend switching the first two sections. The second section is a little more attention grabbing, then you could start the memory cycles. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 Interesting thought on the section swap. I was naturally going for a cold opening that then jumps into a more dramatic scene. I often prefer putting dreams first, but I'll keep it in mind. As for the theme, I wasn't actually trying to do anything with exhaustion, but rather step away from the whole "oh my head, I'm so hungover" theme everyone else has done and convey the alternative "hangover from the past" theme, which in this case is his family tree as well as the memory of what has led him to this moment. Motivation, consequence and reflection are the big themes I like to deal with and though I was initially stumped, hangover ties to that quite nicely =] I need to try less wordy pieces, maybe go for something more action packed... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 13, 2012 Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 I think if the first two parts were to be switched then the last two would need to be too so the end and the start are linked in the way they are now. My first instinct was that switching them wouldn't be as effective, but having considered it a bit more, I think both have their merits. Given that i like it fine as it is now, switching the first two parts round and switching the last two parts also would: 1) give a more 'gripping' (as opposed to 'interesting') start. 2) make it seem more like Gina is responsible (her 'Checkmate' leading us directly to Marius in the dungeon . . . 3) mean that the more 'actiony' sections alternate more consistently with the conversational/introspective ones. As I say, I can see merit both ways. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 13, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 (edited) I didn't think about that. If the end was switched as well then you'd have the irony of Gina saying "checkmate" (the king is usually tipped over at that point) and then Lilith saying "stand up". Edit: How 'bout that? Edited June 13, 2012 by ThePandaDirector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 13, 2012 Report Share Posted June 13, 2012 Oh yes! Well spotted. It's worth considering for that reason alone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 14, 2012 Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 One thing I think you should consider is moving: Gina is that you?" That's not Gina... back to before: Rustling. "Leave them silly papers, come back to bed." because it gives quite a nice link into that section, I think. Also where it is at the meoment breaks the rather nice 'Checkmate' --> 'Stand up' Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 14, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 14, 2012 Yeah, I get your point, I was just thinking with its shortness, I could interject the question "Gina?" after the checkmate to link her to Lilith with some more ambiguity, but I suppose it doesn't have the same impact, plus his call to her would likely trigger his memory anyway. It's quite fun being able to look back at something with fresh eyes and make little changes. But I think this one's done and dusted, regardless of any other changes that could be made. On to the next story =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mako Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 (edited) I'm always wary when people put the main characters into things, that they won't match up to the actual book fluff, but in this case they were lightly dealt with and there wasn't really enough focus on them for that to be an issue. Interesting story, and a good plotline about someone giving everything up for what he wants, and getting it - which is worse. The bits of memory seemed disjointed and a little disruptive, which I'm guessing was the plan, to accentuate his mental state by the end. But I'm not sure the join of checkmate to stand up works for me. Not sure why, but the two didn't connect in that way in my head. Too dissimilar perhaps, since the king being tipped is surrender rather than actual mate isn't it (not an expert so may be wrong), and can't be stood back up after. I would have been tempted to have the checkmate bit as his last memory as he dies instead. But that's subjective and semantic really! A Nice read though! Edited June 15, 2012 by Mako Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 15, 2012 Report Share Posted June 15, 2012 I think it's possible to assume that he's already dying in the second and penultimate parts, and so beginning and ending with them (as in the previous version) does work very well. On balance I think I narrowly prefer this ordering of the segments, but it's the sort of story where they could be arranged in a number of different ways (even chronologically) and they'd all have merit. It's not common to knock over your king when you've been checkmated, though I've known people do it very occasionally usually somewhat ironically as if to say 'I should have seen that coming', which maybe sort of fits here . . . Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 16, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 16, 2012 (edited) I'm always wary when people put the main characters into things, that they won't match up to the actual book fluff, but in this case they were lightly dealt with and there wasn't really enough focus on them for that to be an issue. This is the first time I've ever used existing characters in a story. Though I don't think either Ramos or Lilith are out of place. After all, it gives no indication when this story takes place (most likely before the events of book 1). It also doesn't explain why Lilith is involved and why she came to the catacombs. Do the Neverborn have a base there? Are they protecting its secrets? Does she have a grudge with the Fitzroy family? It's not explained because its not relevent, but beyond the slight change in their dialog, it is pretty disconnected from the actual fluff. Interesting story, and a good plotline about someone giving everything up for what he wants, and getting it - which is worse. The bits of memory seemed disjointed and a little disruptive, which I'm guessing was the plan, to accentuate his mental state by the end. But I'm not sure the join of checkmate to stand up works for me. Not sure why, but the two didn't connect in that way in my head. Too dissimilar perhaps, since the king being tipped is surrender rather than actual mate isn't it (not an expert so may be wrong), and can't be stood back up after. I would have been tempted to have the checkmate bit as his last memory as he dies instead. But that's subjective and semantic really! I like to think I establish Marius as a reflective person who gets distracted easily and so when placed in an extreme situation would likely become mentally erratic. But yes, it's difficult to pull of in this format. As for the chess piece, you have to remember context. The scene with Gina happens in Autumn/Fall, then there's one scene in Winter, while the scene with Lilith happens in late Spring/Summer (as indicated in the scene with Ramos). Therefore there's a large time gap to consider. Gina's "checkmate" merely heralds Marius' surrender to "the direction of the wind"*. So while it is true that you tip the chess piece when you surrender, Lilith's "stand up" refers to Marius' figurative surrender so that she can mate him properly (she has a strong sense of honour). *Gina's relation to Marius is complicated. I think it would have been better to reflect the theme of the wind in her, because that is the force Marius surrenders to. But what Gina achieves is distracting Marius from the unified legacy of his forefathers. So while in the end it his ironic attempt to carry on the legacy of his ancestors (while trying to prove his own independence), it is Gina's involvement that prevents him from ever being strong enough to succeed; again refering to the seed and the blossom, how Gina shelters him from "the sun and the rain" (needed for a plant to grow) and how Marius never learns. So in Marius' attempt to escape the branch he is on, he prematurely cuts himself off and is swept away by the wind to join his ancestors among the worms (which itself refers to Shakespeare's Hamlet). In other words, I think about the thematic elements so much that I often require someone else to keep me on track with the "basic" elements of creating a readable story =D Edited June 17, 2012 by ThePandaDirector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucklemonkey Posted June 19, 2012 Report Share Posted June 19, 2012 An excellent story which was a very enjoyable read. I haven't read your first draft so not sure what changes were made but it was a very nice take on the theme. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 21, 2012 Report Share Posted June 21, 2012 Opening - I liked the opening a lot though personally I'd have trimmed the first couple of sentences just a little for extra 'punch'. Setting - Felt 'Malifauxy' though that was mainly due to the named characters and references to things Malifaux. But it felt like it could easily be a fit with the mythos (though I wasn't certain about him having been the king as I'm not that au fait with established Malifaux history). Plot - the plot was pretty clear, or rather became so as the story progresed, which is fine. I didn't find much tension (it seemed more 'interesting' than 'exciting' to me) but I am pretty hard to please in that regard so it didn't unduly bother me. i liked the ending. Character - I actually found the characters a wee bit blander than the story deserved. I'm not quite sure why that was but I have, for instance, no clear mental image of Fitzroy II. That's not due to him not being described physically in any great detail, it's just that he doesn't seem firm in my mind (which may of course be something to do with my mind . . . ) Dialogue - Was pretty well done really. I'd have liked a little more 'snap' in some places, maybe more 'duelling' of words in the Ramos conversation, as if they were feeling each other out and testing more than came across. Point of view - I have extraordinarily strong views on point of view . . . for me way, way too much is made of consistency of pov in third person narratives (if Pullman can switch pov in mid-sentence in a children's book, I think adults should be able to cope . . .). So I will content myself with saying that I never found any confusion and I liked the 'cutting' from one scene to another a lot. Theme - was there one? If so, how was it brought out? I'm not quite certain how to answer this so I'll confine myself to the use of 'hangover' and 'chess piece'. The former I though was done very well as an underlying and recurring theme and the chess piece played a small but pivotal role. Three best things about the story The shifting in time between the scenes, the references to other fiction within the story and the rather lovely descriptions, and the irony. Three things you think could be changed for the biggest improvement I think it could be trimmed a bit further without losing anything vital, there's some places where I think the odd word could go (eg ' His mind was a swirl and his vision clouded by the blurring lights and shadows. Pain wracked his whole body and he gripped the stone wall at his back lest it sweep him into the swirling abyss' --> ' His mind was a swirl, his vision clouded by blurring lights and shadows. Pain-wracked, he gripped the stone wall at his back lest he be swept into the swirling abyss' but as I've said, there comes a point where 'editing' becomes an imposition of another's style on a piece. I really only mention this because I've got to think of three things. Bit more 'punch' mid-story. Probably best done through 'edgier' dialogue. something, goodness knows what, i have no idea, to make Fitzroy stand clearer in my mind. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 21, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 21, 2012 Intersting. Just a couple points, as far as King goes, he's not the King of Malifaux, but some nation Eathside. His family clearly owns land in Malifaux, but his main reason for being there is to seek out 'adventure'. Another piece of info I left out (partly because it seemed irrelevent) is that Gina lives in Malifaux and so she sort of seduces him to stay in a way. In the original concept I was going to make him a Spanish King, and on a visit to Latigo Perdita would refer to his father as a 'monster' (linking to Perdita's canon theme). In the end I suppose I left him as a bit of a void for the reader to fill (among other things). I guess it just doesn't work on this kind of smallscale ambitious level. As for Marius... I suppose with the weight of the themes and dialogue I didn't want to try too hard to create a mental image, but at least convey tones that suggest certain images. Marius is apparently quite strong ("broad shoulders") but also dresses to either impress or just keep up appearances (wearing an expensive suit to a miner's camp). He's ambitious but easily distracted and independent while failing to ever learn his lesson. I suppose with that information I'm able to conjur the type of man who fits those aspects. I imagine someone between Jay Gatsby and Brom Garret from Deadwood (husband to Alma Garret) with the reflective mind of either Nick Carroway or Lee Byeong-hun in A Bittersweet Life; strong built, but well groomed to the point where he often looks out of place. But that is all hidden among the themes and references so not quite as clear as others. If the deadline hasn't passed, I may make some last edits to try and get the most out of this (still have 100 words to spare). It's certainly been educational =] Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sholto Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 I attach a copy of the story with my comments as tracked changes. Basically, I really like the premise of this story. It was not trying to be a traditional adventure story, but more a character study of a tragic individual, told through fragments of story on a disjointed timestream. I think it suffers from wordiness in places, where it looks like you are feeling out the theme of the story but without really nailing it. It also has a problem with dialogue, in that in all of the expedition fragments, but also in most of the others, I had difficulty working out who was speaking to whom. Obviously the fragmentary nature of these episodes is spoiled if you stop to name and describe everyone, but the resulting confusion suggests that maybe unattributed dialogue is not the best way to accomplish your goal here. To me, the central image in this story is not the chesspiece but the tree. Intercut the story with sequences of Marius cutting the tree down. Once you have that central action and image (including the obvious final image) to hang the rest of the story on, it should all flow into place.Legacy of Fallen Leaves.doc Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 29, 2012 Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 I thought he wasn't (symbolically) trying to cut the tree down, rather to shake himself free from it -- to rid himself of the tree, if you like, rather than destroy it root and branch. For that reason I'd be uneasy with him hacking bits off the tree rather than, say, watching it at different times and seeing the leaves through summer and autumn into winter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 29, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 29, 2012 (edited) Well slap my nipples and call me Daisy, some great feedback. Thanks David =D "Yet this was no expression of joy nor reassuring gesture of good will, but malevolence, composed by voluptuously youthful lips that belied an intellect beyond natural inheritance. She looked down at him with the supreme judgement reserved for waning life reaching its accounting, understanding all his fallacies and misinterpreted intentions, yet with an alien quality that instilled an innocent terror." This was a homage to this paragraph from The Great Gatsby: "He smiled understandingly-much more than understandingly. It was one of those rare smiles with a quality of eternal reassurance in it, that you may come across four or five times in life. It faced--or seemed to face--the whole external world for an instant, and then concentrated on you with an irresistible prejudice in your favor. It understood you just as far as you wanted to be understood, believed in you as you would like to believe in yourself." Apart from the fact I'd just had a long discussian about the book and was writing overnight, I liked the idea of turning this paragraph on its head. Since Lilith wasn't going to get much screen time I wanted to highlight the profound impact she makes while also suggesting that the terror she inspires is more "divine judgement" than "essence of evil". Lilith is the opposite of Marius in every sense, not to mention the opposing "King", in both life and the chess game. I kind of like the idea that the only one who could pass judgement (and execution) on a King is another "King" (relating to "king stays the King") For me this paragraph is the only part that gives Lilith any thematic pull (the bit at the end refers more to Marius). "Do the branches collectively relieve is this the right word? "Relieve themselves" suggests urination themselves or is it the wind that dictates their cycle?" I'd just say "pish" =P I took it as "unburden" but I suppose it should have been clearer. "She shivered in her dressing gown and held onto Marius, for warmth and due affection why due?" "Due" relates to an expected/demanded expense. Here Gina is wrapping her arms around Marius as a demand for affection rather than to comfort Marius. She is supposed to be demanding and selfish, and everything she does has an ambiguous consequence. Is she the White Queen - making Marius happy - or the Black Queen - setting him up for defeat? In the end as happy as she makes him, the expense Marius pays is his time and energy which ultimately leaves him unprepared for his future trials. As for the expedition scenes, I wanted to differentiate them through tone. Cicero is polite and punctuated, Dwight is informal and loud and Findlay is direct and to the point. I tried to establish that in the first section so that you could grasp how many characters there are. Then in the second part, visuals aren't that important, sound is. In fact I treat it like a radio broadcast or some sort; you're just hearing shouting and indications of action. I kinda hoped that the readers would be able to either figure out who was who or not care. There's lots of little things I agree with, some I had noticed from the start and never changed (that moment of present tense). Though UberGruber is right, Marius isn't really trying to cut down the tree, at least literally. I should probablly change "Only when I cut down the tree am I free of the wind that binds me to the fallacies of those before me" to avoid that confusion. Basically, Marius is a leaf, his family are all leaves and the branches of the tree are the legacy that unites them. They all blow in the same direction (because of the wind). They all end up in the same place, the ground. Marius attempts to free himself from the tree, hoping to be reborn. But it is the tree, the legacy that endures, not the leaves. By prematurely cutting himself off his branch he falls victim to the wind and ends up in the same place as his ancestors. The scene where he reflects on it shows that he actually respects the tree, respects the legacy. He just wants his own legacy, but the lesson is that that doesn't happen because we're all just leaves waiting to be taken by the wind. It's safe to say that at times I can be very introspective and while this theme doesn't really mean anything profound to me, it felt like it had enough merit to tell a good parable. Having a background in film and scriptwriting, I tend to overdo the things I can't really do in a script, such as metaphors, while ignoring the things a script doesn't need, such as explaining visuals (I was never very good at dialogue). This story also suffered from being influenced by two different styles (Fitzgerald and McCarthy). In the end this has been the most rewarding writing experiences of my life, and the feedback I've received means a lot. Thank you everyone =D Edited June 29, 2012 by ThePandaDirector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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