Sliver Chocobo Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 (edited) Death is part of everyday in Malifaux and the Death Marshal knew this, he spent the previous night drinking away his sorrows as he did every night. The Death Marshal picked his weightless body up, his head was spinning as he could barely stand stand for more than a few seconds beforestumbling over. He took note of his surroundings he was in a desolate abandoned building; small plant life had taken root and was slowly encroaching on its neighbors, Water was slowly draining into the hole in roof down on to his head and the sun rising in distance had bathed everything in a crimson flame. “Rough night?” “Yeh, I don’t remember much though” The Death Marshal said before realising he wasn’t alone, he reached for his peacebringer looking at the stranger, she wasn’t very tall nor was short, sort of in-between. A silver ankh dangled around her neck, her pale white skin matched the colour of perfectly white corset. Her tall black boots and dark trousers lacked any sign of mud on them. She twirled her black lace parasol that had resurrectionist runes inscribed onto it, while the other held onto a jacket that was slung over her solder. She couldn't have been more than sixteen, there was something more to her “It’s been a while hasn’t it, Neil” she brushed her thick black from her face as she spoke, revealing a cute little smile and a complex series of spiral tattoos on the left side of her face. “Who are you? How do you know my name?” he pulled his peacebringer onto the woman, his hand has shaking with fear, he was in no conduction to fight and this possible resurrectionist hand tracked him down cornered him. “My name’s Epona and it’s my job to know who you are, that and we’ve many times before, last time was about noon yesterday” Neil remembered that, it was the hanging of resurrectionist he captured, one that he was told had a wife, a wife who was also a resurrectionist, one that was still at large. “So you’re here for revenge then, can’t blame you. Just get it over and done with” She tilted her head to one side. “Revenge, I have no interest in that” “But you’re the wife of that resurrectionist that hanged yesterday” “Public hanging, so wear a lot of people” “Then you must be connected to one of the other resurrectionist I killed” “Nope” the woman fell against the wall, casually ignoring the gun aimed at her. “Then your resurrectionist trying to make a name for herself by killing a death Marshal” “Why do you think I’m here to kill you?” Neil tried to answer, but didn’t know what to say. “Is it because you still blame yourself for your wife and son’s death, It wasn’t your fault there wasn't anything more you could have done” Neil fire several times he wasn’t sure how many, but it appeared all of them missed there target. “SHUT UP, you weren’t there how do you know, your just some neverborn creature here to steal my mind” Neil whipped the tears from his eyes. “I was there, I get around a lot and I see almost everything in Malifaux and there wasn’t anything you could have done. I saw you gain the tools you needed for your revenge, which you took and still you drown your self in booze every night” “So you’re her, your Death, the Grim Reaper” “I’m not the big guy, just a humble Shinigami, I gather souls and stuff” “Oh, so do you have a scythe then?” “Why does everyone want to see the scythe, it nothing special, well ok it is, but that not the point. See this parasol I made over two hundred years ago from silk of the greater swamp widow.” Neil collapsed down on to the rubble behind him and buried his head in his hands. “I’m sorry didn’t mean it shout at you, here” Epona pulled a black scythe out thin air, it was sleek an elegant and appeared to made of unknown metal that was so dark it devoured the light around it. “See nothing special, just a plain old scythe” Epona sat beside him “It’s not that, I’m dead, aren’t I” “Everybody dies; even I will at some point, nothing lasts forever” “But is this it, are we just pawns in some greater game” “I don’t know, never cared to be honest. Why worry about stuff you can’t change” “So may I ask how I died?” “Remember that resurrectionist wife, well she made a deal with Bête Noir, and she severed your spine before slitting your jugular” Neil swallowed while rubbing his neck. “Oh well, doesn’t matter now, unless some resurrectionist brings my body back right” Neil tried to laugh, but it was weak and hollow. “Not really, see I’m putting you back in your body” Epona got up and stretched her arms out above her. “WAIT WHY!” “Remember what you said earlier, about being a pawn in bigger game. Well you just happen to be one of my pawns, and I’m a pawn of someone else, well more of rook or one of those horse thingies, what are they called.” “Wait why am I your pawn, what the hell do you want with me?” Neil grabbed Epona by her solders and shook her as he said it. He only then noticed how black her eyes were and that before her mouth that seemed small and cute, was an endless maw of teeth and darkness, Epona pushed him back. Neil felt his whole body change; it twisted and turned, slowly becoming a creature of undeath. “I’m sorry neil, you’re a nice guy, but we need weapons, so that old gods of this world shall finally die after so long, now I will take you a friend of mine. His name is Leveticus, but you shall call him master” Neil look up, a Death Marshel no longer, but now an engine of desolation Edited June 4, 2012 by Sliver Chocobo Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 4, 2012 Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 I really liked the premise of this and making the victim a Death Marshal gives it a nicely ironic twist. It's also short and to the point without any unecessary build up or backstory, which I like for shorter short stories like these -- it's like a single scene from a film but complete enough of itself to tell a story. I aslso liked that you made both characters fairly sympathetic -- not in fact how I'd have imagined either a Death Marshal or a Shinigami would likely be, but you manage to make them both plausible. A nice straighforward use of imagination without overcomplication. I've a couple of suggestions, if I may make so bold, and one request. The request is to consider separating every paragraph with an empty line (like I'm doing here). I find it much harder to read online if paragraphs don't have an empty line as a break between them. I am old and feeble and my eyes aren't what they used to be (and frankly never were). Have pity. My suggestion would be to sharpen up the dialogue a wee bit. I like the effect you're going for but there were some places where I thought the Shinigami sounded a bit, well, out of character. Examples: I gather souls and stuff (it's 'stuff' that seems wrong somehow to me) Why does everyone want to see the scythe, it nothing special, well ok it is, but that not the point (I think it might be better to have her less chatty and more menacing. She can be superficially pleasant, certainly, that can add to her menace. But it might be an idea to imagine the dialogue between them as if it were a film you were watching. Imagine who you'd have playing the Shinigami. . . can you see her saying that line? Again, I applaud the effect you're going for, I think maybe it could use just a little work on the wording). You've got some great descriptions in here like: He only then noticed how black her eyes were and that before her mouth that seemed small and cute, was an endless maw of teeth and darkness and: so dark it devoured the light around it these two are some of the really great ones you have. they're evocativ and it's easy to imagine what's being described. they have power. Others though,could use a little work, perhaps. like: the glare of sun was bearing down on him like a hungry dog because I struggle to see quite how the hot sun is like a hungry dog. It lacks the power and clarity of the other two examples, I think. You sometimes use the wrong homophone (you use 'hoarse' when I think you meant 'horse') and there's some fairly minor typos (eg 'plan' when you meant 'plain). I think it's a solid story and with enough twist on the characters to give it uniqueness. As I say, I'd maybe think about tweaking some of the description and dialogue but I liked it well enough. Thanks for posting it up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted June 4, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2012 Thanks for the tips and for pointing the mistakes Followed most of your advice, I will think on the dialog more Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chucklemonkey Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 (edited) Much better with the formatting sorted out. In truth though, there is little I can add to Uber Grubers response. Really nice idea, well done. Edited June 5, 2012 by Chucklemonkey Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sholto Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Thanks for the tips and for pointing the mistakes Followed most of your advice, I will think on the dialog more This raises an interesting point. Are you are going to make changes to the story as posted? Or is a story "locked" as soon as it is posted, so that all voters are voting on the same thing, regardless of when they read it? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 I'd have thought stories would be open for editing until the closing date for submission, only then would votes (as opposed to the comments which I understand are not part of the scoring) be submitted. But that's just an assumption on my part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted June 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 This raises an interesting point. Are you are going to make changes to the story as posted? Or is a story "locked" as soon as it is posted, so that all voters are voting on the same thing, regardless of when they read it? I believe we're allowed to clean it up, but not to change it entirely Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sholto Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 I'd have thought stories would be open for editing until the closing date for submission, only then would votes (as opposed to the comments which I understand are not part of the scoring) be submitted. But that's just an assumption on my part. I have asked Edonil about this over PM, and hopefully he will clarify in the main thread. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edonil Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 The idea behind what I posted up was that if something did not have the WIP label, it was assumed to be a final submission... I'll have to edit my post later, when I'm not on an iPod. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted June 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Sorry, no more edits Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 The idea behind what I posted up was that if something did not have the WIP label, it was assumed to be a final submission... I'll have to edit my post later, when I'm not on an iPod. Slightly struggling to see the reasoning behind that to be honest. Given that scores have (as I understand) no impact on the judging, why not allow editing up until the deadline? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edonil Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 No worries, Chocobo. You did nothing wrong. As far as the reasoning... (shrug) Honestly, it's how I had planned it. Which is why I tossed in the bit about people should feel free to submit Works in Progress, with them labeled that way. Part of the reason was that, as we got closer to the end, it'd be penalizing people who submitted last. Now, that being said, part of the reason for doing a preliminary round was to figure out what worked and what didn't, what was clear and what wasn't. So... I'm not sure how I'm going to figure out what to do with this at the end of it all, but for now, I'm going to ask that Silver and Über please put at the beginning of your post Work in Progress, and say you can freely make edits to improve. Just as I didn't want to penalize someone submitting on the deadline, I don't want to penalize either of you for a communications error on my part. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted June 5, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 It might better to have a date before the deadline, possible two or three days, where no more edit can be made after this point, but more submissions can be made Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 I just don't quite see how submitting a WIP which is updated until the deadline, then posting a final version on the deadline is any different to simply allowing editing up to the deadline. But you're taking the trouble to organise this, which is no light task, so obviously you have the final say, that's only reasonable and I don't really want to add to the burden with badgering about stuff, so I'm sorry if I've doen so. You can take mine as 'done' as of now though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
edonil Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Nope, I don't think you're badgering me at all. You're asking questions, and your point is something that I thought of a little earlier today as this came up. I think I'll end up going with some sort of cut off date, just until I can figure out what, and also figure out what editing will be allowed (only technical? Or story too?) I don't want to make any major changes to what I wrote up. Ah, the banes of new contests, lol. Thanks for asking questions, it's helping more than anything else. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UberGruber Posted June 5, 2012 Report Share Posted June 5, 2012 Personally I think it's fairly unlikely anyone would change their story wholesale before the deadline. But if they did, would it matter? Certainly there must be a deadline beyond which no additions or editing of format, spelling, phrasing, character or detail will be allowed. But up to that point, so long as one does not expect comments more than once from each judge or author, what harm? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 I'm going to be honest, I didn't really enjoy this. Firstly, personal taste, not your problem, but I'm generally not a fan of this kind of flippantly grim tone at least outside of manga. As much as I could imagine the characters, which implies something works, I couldn't really connect with them or feel anything, leading to relative apathy. Secondly, there was a lot of wrong words and some missing altogether: Water was slowly draining into the hole in roof... ...her pale white skin matched the colour of perfectly white corset. ...she brushed her thick black from her face as she spoke... ...he pulled his peacebringer onto the woman... ...he was in no conduction to fight and this possible resurrectionist hand tracked him down cornered him. That's just from the first three paragraphs, and makes it difficult to read, nevermind enjoy. I don't understand why Neil is a Death Marshal in the first place, why not a Guild Guard, Captain or Exorcist? Death Marshals are already ghoulish and inhuman, so the very human character you try to create is anchored by that. Also it seems you use Hungover as more of "plot element" (that isn't really needed) and the Chess piece as part of the theme, which is probably fine, but I interpret the theme being just that, and the item being a prop in the story. And I agree with UberGruber, the "souls and stuff" is again too far on the silly side of fantasy for me, but more that it conflicts with the apparently grim tone you want to create with Neil's fate. Anyway, I hope you take this as constructive criticism, and be sure to tear me a new one when I finally post my excuse for a story =D Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Grantt Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 I found, personally, that the lack of effective punctuation caused me to disengage from the story. As your structure was predominantly dialogue-heavy, it was crucial that you nail that; realistic character speech relies heavily on punctuation to capture the pauses, connectives and fillers of natural chatter. The story was nice; revenge is always a winner and justice dealt to those who deserve it "fulfills the literary contract", as it were. I liked the characterisation of epona; it reminded me of Pratchett's Death or his family. I agree that the Death Marshall needed to be more believable - as Aristotle states in his "Poetics", your character should be "consistent". A Death Marshall strikes me as too inhuman to get tearful and emotional remembering his family. If he'd been a guard or mercenary then it would have been more credible. Lastly, though this may just be a personal thing, I'm not keen on a narrative so driven by dialogue. The less said by characters, the better. I'm a big fan of Dickens and Sir Arthr Conan Doyle - both masters of indirect speech. When the text is just dialogue, it seems too much like a script. Hope this is constructive! Please feel free to weigh in on my endeavour... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thechosenone Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 Can I just say that The Panda Director is one of my favorite people on this board. He's read my stuff, liked some of it and shot down other parts of it in an honest way that a lot of people avoid. I know that comes from his background. We've talked. He's a good guy and he's gunna tell you when somethings wrong without wasting time on white gloved, sugar coated delivery. And much of what's been said I'd just end up echoing. Overall, yes, this has a manga feel to it. Its that kind of jarring mixture of modern delivery with anachronistic tone and setting that typically doesn't mix well for me. It would be like if Aragorn quoted likes from Commando or Kick Ass while killing Nazghul. Dialog, even if witty on its own, falls short if it doesn't match the setting. That's why something like Buffy works. You're treated to clever high school type banter in a high school setting that includes monsters. And that carries with as the setting evolves. Its kinda one of the weaknesses of a short story. You have no time to evolve a setting. So if things don't work from the start or are jarring you really have no time to sell me on it in a deeper way. Thats why with short story work I think its easy to play it safe with tone and setting rather than risking it on something. But that being said. The hardest part is actually writing anything at all. So the fact that you got it out there is commendable. And when we punch each other metaphorically speaking it makes us better at what we do. Like Doomsday, i guess? Point is, thanks for the story sir. I look forward to seeing more of what you do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ThePandaDirector Posted June 6, 2012 Report Share Posted June 6, 2012 (edited) Well despite Thechosenone's touching endorsement (funny that such statements still mean something to me), his and Grantt's posts hit the nail better than mine. But most importantly I want to echo the triumph that is writing a story at all. I haven't written one in something like 3 years despite having a million ideas and coming over here to give you guys a hard time. So thank you for giving us something to tear apart, and I hope that you maintain the passion to finish that next idea sparkling at the back of your mind Edited June 7, 2012 by ThePandaDirector Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sliver Chocobo Posted June 7, 2012 Author Report Share Posted June 7, 2012 The reason he's a death Marshel, after his family was killed by Ressurectionist's, he became a death Marshel to get revenge. Only that didn't make him feel any better, so he drowned himself in booze. Only for to get killed by a Ressurectionist for revenge when he killed her husband Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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