Iron Quill 2013 (The Starry Road) - The Vault

[StormLordXIII]

Final draft is here. Thanks for reading!

The Vault

Malleus hurried nervously through the dimly lit streets as the dull metal heels of his cobbled boots echoed with a resonating thud on the worn pavement. He hated the darkness, and felt more and more paranoid as the bleeding sun sank lower and lower in the sky.The stray nocturnal crows pecking at the reeking corpses on the Hanging Tree or the flickering shadows cast carelessly by the streetlamps engendered a sense of ominous foreboding which terrified Malleus more than the gloom of the darkened city itself.

Nervously, Malleus thumbed the Peacebringer in the pocket of his patched trench coat for comfort, its blade detached for his own safety. He had acquired the weapon illegally, and was just as afraid of being caught with the ornate clockwork pistol as he was of the horrors against which he might have to use it. It gave him no sense of satisfaction or solace as it usually did. He broke into a run.

He sprinted for two full blocks until he arrived at a grubby tenement building, aged and peeling. Panting, he hammered on the front door. His fist drew paint from the rotting wood. Malleus croaked, “It’s me.” The door swung open in full at his words, and the darkness inside swallowed him.

:tomes :tomes :tomes :tomes

At the Qi and Gong, Yuki paused carefully as she sipped her sake. The man sitting opposite of her, hidden by a grey coat, lacked any sort of friendliness. Yuki smiled and chose her words carefully.

"Tell me about Malleus." The man took a breath and stared into the grimy mug of musty liquor he was nursing.

"He's... well, he's a drifter."

Yuki smiled and slammed a fistful of Guild script on the table. The sound of her fist brought the brief gaze of irritated patrons upon her. The man's eyes widened. "Tell me more."

The man cast a shifty glance around for eve's droppers and fidgeted nervously."If he hears that I'm talking to you, then he'll have Sinclair-"

"-he won't kill you himself? Interesting. Please continue."

The man cursed. "No, it's just..." He seemed to have said too much, and took a long swig from his mug.

"It's the vault, isn't it?" Yuki whispered, leaning seductively close to the man. He reeked of stale tobacco.

"How can you know about that? When Mal found it... nobody's s'posed to know."

"And yet I do. Go on." She put more Script on the table.

The man looked furious with himself. "He found the vault one day while exploring the Quarentine Zone. We were hunting for loot, but then we got separated. He said it was calling to him, in little whispers. Mal said he knew where he was going - said he had trained in cartography Earthside before he was brought to Malifaux for..." the man grew silent.

"For what, exactly?"

Yuki's informant closed his eyes."He's a deserter from the Empire's Division. He shed his redcoat and ran, stealing the possessions of his officers in the process. He likes blood, but he don't like fighting... it doesn't matter. After he came Breachside, he found the vault even though he didn't plan on it. He never takes a wrong turn in this city, but it called to him."

"I can help him." Yuki let go of the knife she held under the table. She despised making messes. "Take me there."

"What's it to you?"

"I dream about the Vault, but every time I venture into the Zone, I can't find it. It's calling me too. "

:tomes :tomes :tomes :tomes

Though several stories high, the other floors of the tenement had either rotted away or collapsed, leaving behind only an empty tower covered in debris of wooden beams and old stone. And a vault.

The great bronze door stood regally at the back of the crumbling entryway, aged with verdigris and stippled with dents from where falling debris had cratered it. A great ring of arcane symbols was engraved in the center, glowing with a mottled green hew.

“We’ve been coming back here for months and are we no closer to opening this damned thing then before,” Sinclair said. He had come through the Breach with Malleus, also as a convict years earlier. “Mal, give it up."

“We just need more stones.” Malleus glanced sideways for an infinitesimal second at the pile of withered bodies in the corner of the room. The most recent was the body of a Nipponese man. A tattoo of a crimson dragon was inked underneath his left eye. Each soul had been an offering for the vault. Malleus pulled out a bag of Soul Stones and counted them in the palm of his hand. The gems glimmered as they approached the husks which once belonged to the aether trapped inside them. “We’ve fourteen. I reckon’ fifteen should be enough.”

“This seems like a waste,” said Sinclair. “How can you be sure?”

“There are fifteen symbols,” Mal replied.

“You’re in luck then.” A third voice rang from the entryway.

:tomes :tomes :tomes :tomes

The man in the grey coat grabbed Yuki brusquely by the arm and led her forward. She winced and tripped over fallen masonry as he dragged her to the center of the chamber.

“Who is this, Jed?” Malleus asked of the man binding Yuki tight.

“Some fool who wanted to see the vault for herself. She says it calls her too."

“Your timing is impeccable,” Mal replied. “She’s the last one, the key to opening the vault.”

“No, I’m not.” Yuki smiled.

Malleus looked at her. “What can she know about -”

“My name is Misaki Katanaka, and I have no intention of being collected.” Her saffron garb billowing with her speed, Misaki threw herself against Jed and slammed him to the floor. She could hear his skull crack. Swiftly and with a well-placed kick, she sent Sinclair flying. Bloodied, he crashed, ribs broken against a pile of rubble. The third man pulled out his pistol and leveled it at Misaki’s chest.

“Wait, I have something to show you.” The man stood unmoving as he felt her knife at his throat. “Open the vault, Malleus. If you even think about reaching for your Peacebringer, I’ll have you incinerated.” She summoned Shang, her kitsune, who cornered Malleus against the wall of the vault with his fiery form. He could feel the bronze heating up behind him. He tossed the derringer in dismay. It clattered feet away from the vault.

“I can’t! What the hell do you think we’re doing here? It's calling you! You open it!” He shouted at her.

“I lied. Shang,” and at her word, the kitsune launched a ball of fire at the vault. The metal began to simmer. The heat was becoming unbearable for Malleus. “Open it,” she commanded.

Malleus looked furious. Moaning, he whispered, and the massive door swung open.

There was nothing inside.

The third man stood stunned. “Boss, how…”

Misaki interjected, “Malleus lied so that you fools would bring victims for the vault to fill up his own soul stones. He could never kill people himself, but you could do it for him. He’s a craven who’s afraid of the dark, and of death - especially his own. He’s nothing but a glass man. A hollow, transparent coward, without substance or honor. And he melts.” She smiled maliciously at the heat radiating from the door.

The man whimpered at Shang’s feral snaps. “I’m sure he was planning to lock you all away and make off with the stones himself. Fifteen… five for the illegal ticket Earthside, ten for the assassins - our assassins who don't take meager script - to clear off anybody who knew about the shame you brought to your country."

He tried to speak, but Misaki continued, ruthlessly, “That was one of two mistakes.” She gestured at the corpse of the Nipponese man. “As for the other... his name was Yamamoto. And he was a good friend of my father's... and of mine. You brought me here personally, wretch. The Oyabun never forgets, and the Ten Thunders knows all.”

With a gush of magic, she tossed Malleus into his own trap and sealed the door. The flaming kitsune welded the corners of the vault to the wall. Leaving the third brigand with a concussion behind her, Misaki disappeared into the night. Glass was too easy for Misaki to shatter.

:tomes :tomes :tomes :tomes

Locked away with his clockwork pistol lying inches away on the other side of the door, Malleus screamed and screamed, wailing in terror as darkness and claustrophobia consumed him. Like bubbling glass, his vision melted as inky black tendrils consumed him. He wanted the final darkness of the vault to call him for real, to end the swirling mass of ghastly images before his eyes. It never did. He screamed as he turned pale, his icy skin void of warmth, smooth and white like a frosted pane, his eyes glazed like crystal. He thought he could hear a woman's chuckle on the other side, but soon, all faded to black.

Themes used: The glass man, the clockwork pistol.

1495 Words

Edited January 24, 2013 by StormLordXIII

[ThePandaDirector]

Technical

You can get rid of the last word of the first sentence.

This sentence is too long:

"He often succumbed to panic even in the heart of Downtown, mere blocks from the Guild Headquarters or the Governor’s mansion, where stray nocturnal crows pecking at the reeking corpses on the Hanging Tree or the flickering shadows cast carelessly by the streetlamps engendered a sense of ominous foreboding which terrified Malleus more than the gloom of the darkened city itself."

Story

The story was pretty enjoyable; had a good start that tantalised details, but managed to stay self-contained. The exchange between Yuki and Jed was the weakest point for me, and I think if you wrote it from scratch while attempting to follow the same lines, you would end up with something better worded.

I liked Malleus, though he doesn't fair too well in the twist at the end (neither does anyone else), as it's hard to understand who he really is, what his link to the vault is and why he chose to go to all that trouble with the soulstones instead of stealing the desired amount of scrip. These questions didn't need to be spelled out, but they did need a better answer.

As for Misaki, all I can really say is - why? I suppose she was handled well enough, but the reason for her to take personal solo action on this isn't clear, leaving me with the impression that she was forced in to satisfy the author rather than the reader.

Theme

Pistol was acceptable; added to the good start, but perhaps polluted the sense of closure at the end. I think it would have been better if the pistol was left, where it had been dropped, next to the vault so that Malleus' only way out was so close, but out of reach. I'd rather I heard his screams than his death =]

As for the glass man, it didn't make a great deal of sense to me. Not only is it linked to Malleus' identity crisis, but it feels somewhat forced (a word becoming all too familiar as far as themes go). I think that if you expand on why Malleus needed soulstones, and why he was incapable of killing people himself, you could reflect those qualities in the glass man analogy. I understand that he is a fragile man who reacts to (lighting) conditions to deceive people, but the who and why could be better conveyed in my opinion.

Overall a nice little story which was easy to read and visualise. I think that the process of blanket deletion and rewriting from memory could improve some weaker areas while a little more thought into character selection and expressing themes would make the reading experience that much smoother.

[StormLordXIII]

Hi Panda,

Thanks so much for your helpful feedback - I really appreciate it, and your constructive comments were absolutely fantastic. I have a little time this weekend, so I will definitely be rewriting chunks of this. I can understand how parts of this may have seemed forced, especially since I felt crunched for space. Hopefully I can make the transitions smoother.

Thanks again!