Iron Quill Preliminary round - The First Move

[Mako]

Here's a tweaked version of the story, there weren't many changes so I figured it was better just to adjust this copy rather than start a new thread.

The First Move

The heavy door swung open on well oiled hinges, admitting a neat suited man to the room. The figure behind the table nodded faintly, and sipped from a glass of dark liquor.

"Jonas, take a seat. Can I offer you a drink?" The newcomer sat in the plush chair across from the other man, accepting the proffered glass with a faint smile.

"Simeon Granger. How... exquisite to meet you at last. And in such pleasant surroundings. You chose your private club well, I must say. A most fitting locale for tonight." Simeon leaned back in his chair, absently twirling a carved ivory chess piece between his fingers. From the fireplace near the chairs, bright flames cast a warm shifting light across the seated man.

"Well, we couldn't avoid each other forever could we." He waved his glass vaguely to accentuate his point. "And the time seemed right. After all, things have been busy recently for both of us." Leaning forward, Simeon placed the ivory piece down on a carved stone chess board on the table between them. "Care for a game?"

"By all means; I am quite partial to chess. I find it somewhat ironic that I spend so much time working that I rarely have time for the game these days. After all, we both make our living from manoeuvring pieces, just on a grander scale."

Simeon cocked his head in agreement, and gestured to the board. "Since I moved first in the grand scheme, would you prefer that this time?"

"Not at all. As they say, art echoes life. You have the white side, so please do play it." Still smiling genially, Jonas sat patiently in his chair, savouring the rather expensive whiskey, as Simeon thought out the game ahead. He knew Jonas' mind quite well - after all, they had been waging a secret, mostly bloodless war for several years now - and decided that his best ploy was to push Jonas to commit to one direction of attack. He slid a pawn forwards over the stone board, and smiled. Jonas nodded politely back, and after a few seconds thought reached out and made his own play. For a few minutes they sipped and played in silence, each gauging the other's strategy. Simeon used his pawns to coax Jonas into an attack on the left flank, drawing him out to weaken him. Almost a textbook player, except for the occassional strange play, Simeon thought. Enough to unsettle an amateur, but ultimately flawed against a skilled opponent.

"I did wonder if you'd come tonight, or if you'd walk away once you knew you had lost. Meeting you in these circumstances is a real pleasure."

"Receiving your invitation this morning was most pleasing. It would have been extraordinarily ill mannered of me to refuse, especially given the way events have unfolded. And of course we both know that one does not simply walk away from the Guild." Jonas made his move, taking another white pawn. He lifted it off the board as Simeon, in a too-casual manner, said

"Except for the poor bastard you people tortured for information, of course. Once he escaped and made it back to us, he was full of interesting details." Jonas sat still, gazing at the pawn in his hand as he turned it back and forth.

"Ah yes, the million to one rarity. When I was informed he had gone from the cells, I did wonder how much he would remember for you. As it turns out, he remembered plenty. After all, that was how you discovered the members of my little band, yes?" he placed the pawn gently, almost reverentially, on the table. His genial demeanour hadn't changed one bit.

"Oh yes, he told us all about them. Four Guild spies in nice positions in Hollow Marsh. Of course, to confirm who was who, we did a little checking first. Even out here, the good old fashioned canary trap works neat as you like." The game continued throughout the conversation, and Simeon began to enact his strategy. He sacrificed many of his pawns to give himself a clear attack to Jonas' important pieces. This didn't seem to concern Jonas in the least, leading Simeon to believe he genuinely had no idea of the ploy the arcanist was using.

"Well, even out here people are still people, for the most part, so the old ways still work. And after so much time and refinement, they are most elegant solutions to the problems we often face in our line of work." With that said, Jonas went to take a sip and noticed his glass was empty. Simeon took a moment to refill both their glasses, then the arcanist and the guildsman carried on talking and playing. Simeon spoke up during his next move.

"It took us months to check out all the possible leaks, but it was worth it. Four moles uncovered, and four counter-ambushes that left us free to do other things while you recovered." Simeon couldn't keep the hint of victory from his voice as he recounted the tale of each spy's unmasking. Four nights where the guild had lost men fighting their way out of traps that had been turned back on them, while the arcanists carried on with their subversion unmolested elsewhere.

"Of course, it is regrettable that so many guild assets were damaged or killed for you to find those four men, but it could not really have happened any other way." Jonas said, and shrugged philosophically.

"This was the only way to be sure." Simeon agreed, then sprang his trap. He slid his rook neatly between Jonas' defences, taking one of his bishops, and threatening half the back row. Jonas raised one eyebrow approvingly at the gambit. "We swept in on them pretty fast, since we thought they might give us trouble. Two decided to go out fighting. A stupid idea really, when they were surrounded by miners. The others took poison, or tried to. Only one of them managed. The other one survived, and after a little persuasion he sang like a canary."

"Well, it would have been too much to expect all of them to die rather than be captured. Indeed, it would have been quite odd if that had happened. I imagine the one you caught talked about me, or we wouldn't be here." Jonas tried to patch the gap in his lines, but Simeon could see it was a desperate measure. He tried not to gloat.

"Oh indeed he did, we learned some very valuable information from him. And so we come to tonight, and our little meeting. Out of respect for our history, I thought I'd offer you some choices."

"Such nobility is good to see. What, do tell, are these choices you offer?" Jonas had lost a rook and his queen, but managed to take out the white rook that was holding open his lines as compensation. Simeon smiled, and for the first time there was a hint of cruelty in his expression.

"You can work for our side, as a double agent. You can agree to resign your post with the guild's espionage offices and go back through the breach. Or, you can walk out that door alone." as Simeon spoke, Jonas gazed wistfully at the pawn he had taken back at the start of the game.

"I must say, those choices appear to entirely involve in my death. As a result, it is hard to know which to choose, if any." Jonas' voice still held that indulgent amusement as he picked up the pawn again. "A very peculiar thing, our game. To think that the entire outcome could potentially rest on one little pawn being lost at the right moment. After all, without him, my pawns would not have fallen to your trap, and you would never have committed to it sufficiently for this." Jonas placed his knight forward with a soft click. Simeon went to close his trap shut on the black king, and froze. With one move, Jonas had crippled his plan and left him separated and vulnerable. He stared intently at the board, and tried to think of a way out. At this point, regrouping was the only chance he had. How had he not seen this coming? He moved, and Jonas took one of his bishops. Twice more, he tried to recover his pieces, and lost others. It began to unsettle him that he had been allowed to trip himself up with the very ruse he had planned to beat Jonas with. Jonas isn't that smart surely, he couldn't have planned his entire strategy based on my trap being laid out against him. Simeon's mind raced, the game slowing as he tried to think through the best way to salvage a win, or at least a draw. If he's this good, why was it so easy to lead him here using his own spy network? Then Jonas spoke again, his gentle cheerful tone now had a mocking ring to Simeon, despite it being unchanged from the way he had spoken all evening so far.

"As I said before, art echoes life. If that pawn had not performed its part, you would not be in this position on the board before us. If you had not had exactly as much success as you have against my agents, you would not have committed to this meeting yourself. And all from one pawn, 'lost' at the right time. I was pleased to discover he had remembered enough of the information we allowed him to overhear. I couldn't be sure until you began exposing my agents with your ingenious ambushes." Simeon began to realise that things had gone horribly wrong. A sickening idea loomed in his mind.

"You sent dozens of men to their deaths, just to bait our own trap against us? Are your men that expendable to you?" Despite maintaining an relatively calm demeanour, Simeon was horrified. Not just at the casual disregard Jonas showed for his assets, but that he had not seen such callousness coming. Jonas seemed faintly amused at Simeon's question and indicated the board between them.

"Of course they are. You thought nothing of sacrificing several of your pawns to draw out my bishops, did you?"

"But - this is just a game, those are people's lives."

"Surely you mean 'were'? After all, you had them killed, not I. It would be polite to remember that they are, in fact, deceased. Except for possibly the agent who carried the defective poison capsule. I imagine you have kept him passably alive so far." Simeon drew a deep breath in to calm his rising panic. He lifted his glass. It was empty.

"This whole thing was a set-up? The miner escaping, the agents we caught, one being taken alive, all to lead me to you?" Jonas thought this through for a moment, then nodded, smiling as if at a dog performing a clever trick.

"I could hardly expect you to expose yourself for a lesser target, could I? Look at the board - you only risked your rook because you presumed my bishops were exposed and my knights helpless." Before Jonas could speak further, Simeon burst out

"Well, it doesn't matter anyway. After I sent you that little note this morning, I had men take up positions in and around this place. You won't make it to the first street lamp." Jonas nodded again.

"I would have expected no less of you, Mr Granger. Which is why I have had guardsmen stationed in this building, and on every roof in sight of it, for two days. No doubt they will have enjoyed themselves, since i took the trouble to select the survivors from your ambushes for this work. I dare say this may be one of the safest places for me to be tonight. After all, I have planned this evening from before our young escapee was first captured." He rose, and inclined his head politely to the seated and shaking man, who was sloshing whiskey into his empty glass again. "I will leave you to finish your drink in piece. Do try not to do anything too rash or foolish, would you? There would be such a tiresome mess to clear up if you did." Jonas strolled noiselessly from the room, leaving the shocked man clutching his glass, and an almost full bottle of whiskey.

***

The room was cold as Simeon drifted reluctantly into consciousness, the sullen coals in the fireplace doing little to ward off the chill of the night. He pried open his eyes, seeing the chess game distorted through the side of the empty whiskey bottle. He lifted his head from the table, feeling the room spin sickeningly. It didn't seem wise to sit up. Staring heavy eyed at the table, the spymaster tried to make sense of things through the pounding nausea that wracked his head and stomach. He couldn't focus. At every turn, the board hovered mockingly in front of him. He could make four moves, but every one ended in mate. He groaned, letting his head sink back to the table. It was then he noticed the little card propped in front of his face, evidently placed there after he had passed out. In an elegant hand was written

'The best first move is to convince your opponent that he is moving first.

Regards,

Jonas'

Fighting back a surge of dizziness, he reached up with a shaking hand. As the door slammed open and guardsmen poured into the room, Simeon Granger, Union spymaster, took hold of his king and toppled it onto its side.

Edited June 19, 2012 by Mako

[edonil]

Oh that was clever! I enjoyed that a lot. Not a real strong use of the hangover idea, but excellent use of the chess game

A few issues with it, though. Not very big ones, just a few things that might help. It was very difficult to figure out who was what side in things. You mentioned the Guild a couple times and the arcanists once, but I still was confused who was what. You used the word 'guy once in there and it didn't seem to fit... Just struck me as informal and anachronistic for what you were doing overall.

A few readability issues, but I'll be able to help with those when I'm on a computer and not an iPod. Overall, a very enjoyable read.

[UberGruber]

I thought this well done and despite the fact that having a chess game being played out to mirror real life manoeuverings seems to be one of those things that's 'overdone', I can't actually recall many stories where that does in fact happen (a bit like the assumption many people have that Conan was always running around in a loincloth, when in fact more often than not he's in mail or plate armour). Regardless, I thought you pulled it off rather nicely here.

I did find the hangover a bit 'tacked on' and it was more like chess was the 'theme' rather than the 'item' but to be honest, I won't really be worrying about that when it comes to voting.

I thought this:

Which is why I have had men stationed in this building, staffing this building, and on every roof in sight of it, for two days

a bit weak plausibility-wise. It's Granger's private club. Would he not be suspicious at a large number of new staff arriving all at once?

There's also a little ambiguity regarding who works for who. Now I think Granger is Guild but this:

Four nights where the guild had lost men fighting their way out of traps that had been turned back on them, while the arcanists carried on with their subversion unmolested elsewhere.

makes him seem like the arcanist to me.

But otherwise a really solid story, both readable and enjoyable.

[Mako]

Cheers folks!

I was aiming for granger losing his calm demeanour when he started to say things like guy, but perhaps I should have made it more obvious, or left it alone. Did a bit of a half assed job with that!

The plan was to have the sides only become apparent over the course of the piece, as the two certainly know which side is which and are being gentlemanly, but again maybe I should have made more of it. I can have a tendency to try and hint very lightly, and sometimes need to be a bit more clear with things like that. Granger is in fact arcanist, and the smug git with the permanent smile is guild. I think I let too much of that reveal hang on the comments about walking away from the guild, and Simeon commenting about finding spies in Hollow Marsh.

And you're right Über, that's a fairly daft plot hole there! I should have taken that bit in the middle about staff out, and just had the men stationed in and around.

Can't take any issue with the theme being a bit terminal, it really isn't a major thing in it. The ending is the only bit with it, and that's there to provide a final kick in the teeth. And to bring in the king, which was going to be the chess focus. Except the story wasn't working until I put more chess in, and then the balance got turned around!

I think (with this stuff in mind) if I went back and redid, I'd push closer to the 3000 limit, and get a bit more exposition in there to clear up who's on what side a little. And make the bit where Granger loses his calm longer and more obvious too, I wanted him to be panicking more than he does really.

So thanks for the comments guys, I'll definitely keep them in mind for future use - there's some sneaky mind games to come in my breach runners fiction, and Jonas may well make an appearance in it because I like his annoyingly pleasant gentlemanly attitude! Think 'Tinker, tailor, soldier, spy' with a psychopath rampaging through the middle *wink*

I'll leave this as is for now, and get on with reading the others, so my iron quill score is for this version. Next round, I'll know where I usually fall down so can do better!

[Keeblerpowell]

extreamly enjoyable.

I liked the plot reversal at the end.

I did have a little difficulty keeping track of who was who in the who scheme of things.

But a fun read none the less.

[ThePandaDirector]

"Look, the pawns, man, in the game, they get capped quick. They be out the game early."

"Unless they some smart-ass pawns."

That was quite enjoyable =]

There was some stuff like "odd strange play" which naturally stood out.

While I initially thought the sides switched, I figured it out before it became obvious.

I initially found the dialogue a little over the top, and it almost felt like they were being comically polite, which, although linking to the context, was a little overboard. Towards the end I found it much better as Jonas became the cool heartless man and the language felt more natually, mostly because they were discussing a meatier subject. I loved:

"Surely you mean 'were'? After all, you had them killed, not I. It would be polite to remember that they are, in fact, deceased."

I was a little annoyed at the end that Simeon just kept pouring glasses, which was both repetetive and rather underminding to the impact of his defeat. The act itself is fine, I'm sure I would drink more if I was in his position, but by spelling it out each time it became comical.

I love Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy, and I even thought of a film very much like this, only it involved two elderly British gangsters and a wire tap I felt that you could have had a bit more imagey and a little less:

"savouring the rather expensive whiskey" and:

"Simeon himself had lost over half his pawns, but his opponent had suffered some losses and was unprepared for the trap that would spring on his important pieces."

I guess in a piece like this there needs to be a balance between clean imagey and to the point description. You have the bare description needed, considering the focus is in the two men and their discourse, but some cool and simple metaphors would really make the game pop in my mind. I liked the way you used that first pawn mind, so more of that kind of unspoken symbolism would be great.

With the dialogue a little trimmed and tidied up, I think it's a great little read. Just needs the ending tweaked so that maybe there's a slight time jump. Put in a fire and have it extinguished when he wakes, adding to the room's impact on Simeon's hangover. If the clock chimed when the guards come in that would suggest why they didn't come in straight away. Just some thoughts.

Cheers.

[Sliver Chocobo]

Lots of fun and a great read

[Mako]

Ta all, some very good thoughts for me to ponder!

Panda, the bits you've picked out that you like were basically the framing points I wrote, before filling in the bits between. Which is good as it tells me my early instincts were ok, but bad as it means I need to take more time and maybe get more framing points in!

I went for ultra gentlemanly at the start (maybe too much so, true) as I thought it fitted two men trying to give nothing away. Then their personalities start to show through a bit more, the still genial and polite but completely heartless cruel one, and the smug one that panics.

I really like the fire idea, that would cement the time he's been passed out for. The time gap itself I should have probably made a little clearer, it was there just because Jonas wanted to give Simeon some time to stew on it all. And to play one last cruel joke with that note.

[ThePandaDirector]

No problem.

I think the start would have worked better had they actually been more reserved, but very courteous and familiar with each other. So one gestures the drink, the other just nods and makes himself comfy. A more reflective, cool tone, similar to TTSS, would help to establish a domestic tension between them, which would grow as they started to open up (partly due to the drink I suppose) and as they get closer to the anticipated kill.

But yes, using framing points is good, and I sometimes do that myself (didn't on my last). It also helps to deconstruct it, work backwards liek you'd written an essay and your linking your notes back into the story you've been studying. As much as I hated English at school, I'm always thinking about theme, setting, etc and how each would be critically received. It also goes without saying I imagine it like a film too, forming the camera shots in my mind like I'm sat in the cinema =]

Anyway, I need to write more before I can rest on my laurels

[Mako]

Right, this has been playing on my mind for a few days, And I have a plan for where the Jonas character is going to go. So I will in fact be tweaking this, using the suggestions made. Neatening up the prose a bit, giving the story more linkage between some of the more pointless imagery and the real plotline? And seeing if I can work in some more plain hints as to who's on which side.

But I'm going to keep Jonas with his slightly Oscar Wilde esque effusiveness, it's got fun possibilities when fleshed out some more, especially given the evil little corkscrew mind he has behind it! I'll work on that this weekend, and will use the evenings to start reading through all the others and making comments (hopefully I can think of something useful to say!)

[Mako]

Ok, a slightly modified version is now up in the first post. I definitely won't adjust it any further as I haven't got time!

And now to return to Trying to read other stories in between the chaos of daily life!

[UberGruber]

Opening -

I thought the opening a wee bit slow but it was suited to the story and it wasn't too slow.

Setting -

seemed fairly incidental to the story though there were easily enough Malifaux references to ground it in the world and the story by its nature didn't need a huge amount of scene setting.

Plot -

the plot still, to me, has a hole in that I think Granger would notice the new faces in his club, but otherwise it's well done and has, as someone else said, a sort of Cold War feel to it that doesn't feel incongruous to the setting.

Character -

the characters were pretty well done too, though Granger's complacency seemed a little at odds with his chosen profession.

Dialogue -

grew on me as the story went on. I think the 'tone' was exactly right throughout but I think some of the precise wording might be tweaked to achieve maximum effect, especially nearer the start.

Point of view - I have strong views on this (mainly to do with other people's strong views onn this . . .). So I shall merely say that it was absolutely fine.

Theme -

I'm not really sure quite what this question means but the chess piece was obvious but well done and the hangover, though a wee bit tacked on, fitted without seeming an irrelevance.

Three best things about the story

Sections of the dialogue, the chess mirroring their greater game, the rather 'cosy' feel of the piece (by which I mean it seemd to fit with them being in a gentleman's club, the whole tone was just right for that).

Three things you think could be changed for the biggest improvement

Bit of tweaking of the dialogue, fixing what I see as the weakness in the plot (mentioned above) and also perhaps making Granger seem a little less complacent than he comes across.

[Mako]

Cheers Über, good to see I managed to neaten it some but there's still many places to improve!

I kind of assumed the guards would be hidden away somewhere away from the usual patrons, so he wouldn't have seen them, but then I guess I shouldn't assume things as its not me that's reading it!

And you're totally right, granger needs a tweak. But I couldn't figure out how, I wanted him to be sure of himself at the start, maybe less casual and a bit more smug about it all?

It was a good exercise in the self contained environment type of thing, which is harder than I expected. and I ended up creating a character I actually liked in Jonas too.

Edit: and I'm going to steal your assessment style, because it works nicely. Especially the three good things and three bad things bit. Helps pick out the bits to really keep and ditch!

[ThePandaDirector]

Cheers Über, good to see I managed to neaten it some but there's still many places to improve!

I kind of assumed the guards would be hidden away somewhere away from the usual patrons, so he wouldn't have seen them, but then I guess I shouldn't assume things as its not me that's reading it!

And you're totally right, granger needs a tweak. But I couldn't figure out how, I wanted him to be sure of himself at the start, maybe less casual and a bit more smug about it all?

It was a good exercise in the self contained environment type of thing, which is harder than I expected. and I ended up creating a character I actually liked in Jonas too.

Edit: and I'm going to steal your assessment style, because it works nicely. Especially the three good things and three bad things bit. Helps pick out the bits to really keep and ditch!

I'll try and come back to all these stories with the 'official' feedback form (Sholto's idea btw)

Taking things for granted is always an issue, mainly becase you don't want to spell things out all the time.

As for Granger, I would say that he is complacent in that he is sure of his victory. He thinks he's safe and that he's won the game before it's even started. I think if you added a little age to Granger, made him seem like he's seen and done it all, then that might tie nicely with the cosiness of the setting. So perhaps at the start Jonas mentions tea and Granger brings out the whisky with that sort of "tosh! Lives too short to sit around making tea" attitude (ironic because all he does lately is order people from his chair). In contrast I see Jonas as being younger than him, but hardly a child either, who uses etiquette as a means of tricking his opponent into thinking he's an arrogant, but naive posh boy. I'm naturally taking leaps there and making my own design choices, feel free to ignore them, but I think by making them two distinctly different personalities that contrast and compliment each other, then that will give them more credability.

[Mako]

You've pegged Jonas dead on there, he was supposed to be an effusive but very proper gentleman, which is there to hide the cruel, vicious and impressive brain behind it. Somewhere around 30, I was reckoning. Almost like a little protégée of Lucius in many ways!

I didn't actually have any definite age for granger, which probably weakened his character development a bit. I reckon the older thing would work neatly, he is after all the grizzled old hand working for the underdog against the evil overlord. And probably has seen quite a few guild spymasters come and go.

And thanks to Sholto as well then!

[UberGruber]

Yeah, if Granger's (say) late 50s or early 60s and has outwitted a good few Guild opponents before, and Jonas is, say, early-mid 30s (he can't, I think, reasonably be much younger in such a position), early 40s at most, and seemingly callow, then complacency becomes much more credible.