Iron Quill - Feast - But Wait, There's More

[The Grue]

I am sorry for the late entry but my internet went down so I had save it to a flash drive and wait until I could get to work to post this here. If it is too late I understand, but either way this story had to get out of my head as I've been singing along with it for a while now.

 

But Wait, There's More!

 

The wagon shifted from side to side as one of its wheels rolled over a corpse in the middle of the road. Dr. Montemore looked back to make sure his cargo hadn’t shifted too much, and after a brief once over was satisfied that his barrels had not shifted too much. He looked down to the corpse, clicked his tongue and sighed.

 

“There was a time when those Necronnoisseurs would have more class than that,” he said to his driver next to him, “like children with their toys this lot, leaving their discarded toys strewn about.”

 

They were approaching the Guild gate that would lead them out of the Quarantine Zone and into Malifaux proper. The guardsmen watching the crossing saw them and picked up their rifles but didn’t bring them to bear, probably more shocked than alarmed, that something that was coming out of the Zone wasn’t actively trying to kill them. They still were alert though, as Malifaux had a way of punishing a false sense of security.

 

“Halt,” the first Guardsman said, “what is your business here?” His face was scarred and pock-marked, eyes scanning them and the surrounding area, a veteran most likely Dr. Montemore thought, and a hard sell, not that that ever stopped him before.

 

Dr. Montemore looked over at the second guardsman, young, clean shaven, with fresh spit on his boots he’d wager. Ah, the rookie, easy, impressionable, loaded with scrip and not much in the head. A walking mark if he ever saw one. Farmer’s and outliers were easier of course, and far more trusting, but there was something exhilarating about selling to someone who should be cautious and had been told to distrust exactly this sort of thing.

 

“Gentlemen,” Dr. Montemore said, with a wave of his arm sweeping out to greet them both, “I am Dr. Montemore, professor and purveyor of all manner of exotic goods and curios.” He rested his hands on his lapels, pulling them back and open as he leaned back and laughed, revealing he was not armed in the conventional sense, trying to put them at ease.

 

“What you see before you is my latest invention, a time saver and life changer. The thing you didn’t know you needed but won’t be able to live without.” He smiled and gave his mustache a little twitch, tipped his top hat forward and bowed.

 

The rookie was already dumbfounded and was staring at Dr. Montemore, but the other guard was less amused.

 

“What do you got back there?” He motioned with his rifle at the cargo they were carrying. “Show us.”

 

Dr. Montemore kept smiling, and as he turned he put a hand on the tarp they had covering the load. “I was hoping to save the unveiling for the townsfolk, but for the good guardsmen of Malifaux, I can let you have an exclusive early view.” With that he tore back the tarp.

 

The guardsmen both jumped, rifles trained and ready, the rookie’s more by surprise and with a bit of fumbling, the veteran’s with an instinctual snap from years of surviving Malifaux’s mean streets. They both had confused looks on their faces when they saw that the wagon was stacked high with barrels.

 

“Dr. Montemore’s Marvelous Miracle Barrels,” the rookie started reading the large painted words on the side of the barrels next to the caricature of Dr. Montemore with exaggerated features, “a feast of fun for the whole family.” The rookie smiled when he finished, clearly excited.

 

The veteran guard was less amused, “What’s in the barrels?” He leveled his rifle at Dr. Montemore.

 

“What a good question. Though the better question would be what isn’t in the Barrels,” He carefully pulled one barrel loose and shimmied it to the edge, tipped it over and knelt down and removed the lid.

 

The veteran guard had pulled back as he opened it, but when the moment passed he crept forward and peered inside, “Huh, there ain’t nothi...hey-ack!”

 

“Now there is,” Dr. Montemore smiled and put the lid back on the barrel, a soft crunching noise sounded from inside the barrel and Dr. Montemore frowned, he had gotten it to be a lot quieter, using various fabrics and rubbery tars in the lining but he still couldn’t reduce the noise all the way. “One day I will figure it out and be able to add ‘Silent’ to the label, Customers always pay more with ‘Silent’ on the tag, oh well,” he turned as the rookie came around the wagon.

 

“What was that noise, where’d he-“ He started before Dr. Montemore cut him off.

 

“You young sir, you look like a man of taste, would you like a barrel?” He rolled the now quiet barrel towards the young guardsman and motioned him closer. When the rookie came forward Dr. Montemore pulled back the lid.

 

 

Somewhere in the slums of Malifaux…

 

“Ladies and Gentlemen, boys and girls, welcome. I am Dr. Montemore, and I am here to show you how wondrous life can be.” He had amassed a crowd, with the festive banners he hung from building to building and brightly lit lanterns he had hung, his wagon was hard to miss down this dead end street.

 

He gave a point to the organist he had hired and as the organist spun the crank the pipes started to wheeze out a jaunty melody.

 

[Musical number]

“How many times have you found yourself riddled with piles of trash?”

“You’ve pushed, you’ve shoved, you heaved, you’ve huved but you still just need it gone fast?” He was pointing to different members of the crowd as he sung along.

“You’ve thrown it in the streets, you’ve hid it in your sheets, you’ve fed it to your pets and kids,”

“But it wasn’t enough, it keeps piling up, and you don’t know where else it can be hid?” He lingered on that last word, pulling the crowd in, when they leaned in to get a look under the tarp he grabbed he knew he had them.

 

With a flourish he pulled back the tarp and the crowd gasped in awe.

 

“What you see before you are Dr. Montemore’s Marvelous Miracle Barrels, a feast of fun for the whole family! Anything you put in them goes away, never to bother you again,” he was buying time as the organist was rewinding the organ, when the music picked back up and a man came forward Dr. Montemore smiled.

 

“But can it get rid of this muck,” a man brought forward a handful of refuse that he seemed to be covered with.

 

Dr. Montemore grabbed it from him and threw it in the barrel and shut the lid. He opened it a moment later, showing it was empty, “You’ll see the barrel’s not stuck!” The crowd murmured sounds of approval.

 

“How about meat that’s gone bad?” a lady sadly holding a rancid chunk of what he thought was horse came forward.

 

In the barrel it went, lid on top then off, once again empty, “It’s something you won’t remember you had!” The crowd cheered softly.

 

He could feel the vibe of the crowd and knew he had them going now.

 

“But what about me bratty Kids?” a man said in the front row, surrounded by half a dozen of what must have been his aforementioned kids. The crowd laughed, and those around him jibed him in the ribs.

 

Dr. Montemore tapped his lip for a minute, appearing to be thinking, teasing the moment out, “Put em in, give it a spin, and don’t forget to close the lid!” The crowd roared and began to sing along.

 

As they sung Dr. Montemore jumped down and marched in place in front of the children. He swept his arm out and snatched a cane from an old man and began to twirl it like a baton as he marched. The children smiled and began marching behind him.

 

He took them in a circle first, gathering a few more children from the crowd before leading them up the stairs and onto the stage. He lined them up single file in front of the barrel and stood beside it. A little girl was first in line and looked up to him while she marched in place.

 

“Little Suzie here was a naughty girl and didn’t clean up her toys,” he picked her up, placed her in the barrel and closed the lid, he continued singing as he opened it, showing it to be empty, “Now she’s gone, with nary a song, and you’ll never again hear her noise!” The crowd laughed and cheered.

 

He picked up the next child, a small pudgy boy, “Now this one’s fat and as fat as that he must cost a lot to feed,” in the barrel he went, lid down, then up, “But now he’s off, with all that fluff so now there isn’t a need!” The crowd was eating this up.

 

A little girl was next, he picked her up and she cut him off before he could begin. “That wasn’t nice, making the others go ‘way.” She said with a pout. Dr. Montemore stopped and knelt with one knee up and sat her down on it. “My dear, there are times in life when you must pay a price, and sometimes nice isn’t nice.” He picked her up roughly and lowered her into the barrel.

 

The last thing she saw before the lid came down were the sides of the barrels, black and charred, and moving and chewing with teeth and mouths too numerous to count, she tried to scream but as the lid shut the opening rimmed with teeth and closed down on her and you could hear soft chewing and crunching if it wasn’t for the din of the crowd singing along.

 

Dr. Montemore had them now, enthralled and enjoying the spectacle. He threw his arms out with a flourish, silencing them as he spoke, “But wait, there’s more!”

__________________________________________________

 

Let me know what you think.

 

As Always,
The Grue
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Gnomezilla]

What tickled me most about this story was the rhyme about closing the lid. Just the hint of the same kind of advice that you give about a washing machine, past the point we already knew those kids were going to get shoved head-first into a murderbarrel...it was very effective. Also I appreciate anyone who can write a singsong rhyme.

I am sure you already spotted the one phrase you accidentally repeated, up near the beginning of the story.

Grammar nitpicks that I tried to put in a spoiler box (so you can ignore them if you like, I know grammar nitpicks are not always welcome) but could not figure out how to highlight both at the same time.

On 1/29/2016 at 8:46 AM, The Grue said:

Dr. Montemore looked over at the second guardsman, young, clean shaven, with fresh spit on his boots he’d wager. Ah, the rookie, easy, impressionable, loaded with scrip and not much in the head. A walking mark if he ever saw one. Farmers and outliers were easier of course, and far more trusting, but there was something exhilarating about selling to someone who should be cautious and had been told to distrust exactly this sort of thing.

 

On 1/29/2016 at 8:46 AM, The Grue said:

“Now there is,” Dr. Montemore smiled and put the lid back on the barrel. A soft crunching noise sounded from inside the barrel and Dr. Montemore frowned; he had gotten it to be a lot quieter, using various fabrics and rubbery tars in the lining but he still couldn’t reduce the noise all the way.

 

[The Grue]

Thanks for the review. It took me another read through before I spotted the duplication, but I saw it and will attempt to avoid over detailing my details in the future. Wait...

I was humming "Mr. Booze," the whole time I was writing this. The one with James Dean and the Family Guy one.

The grammar is part my fault and part my word processors auto correct, but then again I should've proofread it.

When I first saw the item was a barrel I knew they would be barrels that ate things, then I just had to figure out how to fit it in. That's when I thought of the sham wow guy.

As Always,

The Grue