Iron Quill (Honesty) Business

[ProximoCoal]

Hi, this is my first attempt at writing anything in some time and first ever 'Iron Quill'. I am sorry if it does not make the grade. I have used the object 'sharpened blade' and the theme 'honesty'. If I have misunderstood and need to add more of the suggested themes in it should be too hard. I Hope you enjoy.

 

Business

 

 Krahkov paced impatiently across the well-worn floor, seemingly unaware of the groaning worm-eaten floorboard’s fragility. Dimitri did not flinch as his master spat incoherent frustration at damp ridden walls. Dimitri had known Krahkov for a long time. He was used to his angry outbursts.

 

 Dimitri himself was not, however, one for anger. Though a head taller than his companion, he did not exude menace. For him life was simple, which was good because the same accusation had been made of him; the most recent accusation made when he had refused to abandon his current employer.  They called Krakhov a sinking ship. Dimitri didn’t understand, as far as he saw it if a ship was sinking better to stay on board than dive in the sea. Besides, he knew better than to look for opportunity elsewhere. In Malifaux, you do not try your luck.

 

“That useless Dolbo yeb. If he has been caught by that sooka excuse for …’

 

 Krakhov often slipped into the mother-tongue when he was stressed and angry. He was rarely one without the other and, recently, he had much cause for both. When they had first come to Malifaux their particular talents had meant they quickly had become powerful men. Protection rackets, smuggling and arms dealing; it felt like people just wanted to throw money at them… or they did after a little persuasion. However, their fortunes had turned and now they were almost destitute.

 

“Honest to the Maker if I get my hands on that…”

 

“’Onest!?!” A voice questioned from the darkness on the far side of the abandoned warehouse. A regular hard tapping accompanied by the moaning of floorboards told the pair that the speaker was approaching. Krakhov paused.

 

 “’Onest day’s work, ‘dey say. Dat’s where people grind down ‘dere bones work for ‘da Guild. S’not for me. ‘Onest gets ya’ dead.” The few gas lights that the brother’s had managed to get working started to illuminate the figure. The first thing seen were the shoes, shining brighter than the sun ever did in the wretched city. A well pressed grey suit followed, complete with golden cufflinks and tie. The ensemble was complimented by a single golden tooth bedecking a mirthless grin.  Everyone in the district knew this figure from whispers ushered from the bottom of dirty glasses. This was Shanks, head of the Gremlin Mafia.

 

"Not Ooo you was ex-speck-ting?" Shrugged Shanks, teeth like a sharpened blade combined to make a malicious grin.

 

“You should go back where you came from” Krakhov spat, irony lost under seething rage.

 

“Now dat’s not ‘da way you should start neg-osh-ee-ate-shuns.”

 

  Krakhov's blustering exploded into incoherent spit and visceral language. Dimtri couldn’t remember seeing Krakhov so mad.

 

“You killed my man?”

 

“Let’s not dwell on the past,” Shanks pulled a small knife from his pocket and started prying bits of food from between his teeth, “I am ‘ere to neg-osh-ee-ate ‘da terms for buying your bis-ee-ness in-ter-ests.” Shanks voice was nasal and he clearly struggled with words of multiple syllables, but he appeared to enjoy using them, as if they empowered him. Krahkov laughed, this was bad. Dimitri grip on his large wood-cutting axe, his trademark weapon, tightened until his knuckes were white.

 

“And what, exactly, do you think that will cost”

 

“’Dis.” In one smooth motion Shanks plucked something out of another pocket and flicked it over to the gangster. Catching it in one hand, Krakhov stared at the small object in his hand. He visibly began to shake. Dimitri relaxed.

 

“You think you can buy my assets with this!?! This!?! One single soulstone!” Krakhov had now closed the gap between the two ‘businessmen’. His broken nose pressed close against the Gremlin’s face and spittle leapt from bruised lips behind a big black beard. “One INACTIVE soulstone!’ He pressed the unassuming rock into the gremlins face.

 

 Suddenly, the stone began to glow.

 

 It was faint at first, barely visible in fact, but eerie green glow grew rapidly until you could see it through Krakhov’s hand. He took one step back and began staring at the power cupped in his hand. He lifted his other hand to inches before his face and studied the thick red liquid there. Drool dripped down his beard as he attempted to locate the origin of this strange phenomenon. He also felt a sharp pain in his stomach.

 

Shank plucked the newly powered soulstone from Krakhov’s hand before the giant mobster crumpled on the floor.

 

“’Waste not, want not’ as me Moma used ta’ say”

 

 Dimitri's palm was sweaty and for the first time he felt unsure of his grip. His muscled tensed, as they always did, with the anticipation of a brawl. Dimitri took one step forward but then stopped when he felt something press against his leg. He looked down to see another gremlin, this one with a pair of trousers pulled up to just below his arm-pits. Despite this compensation, it was clear that the bottom of the trousers had been rolled up many times to prevent tripping. This might have proved amusing if the same Gremlin did not have a .45 calibre pistol aimed directly at his groin. Dimitri did not know what unnerved him more: The size of the gun, the fact that the Gremlins arm shook with the exertion needed to lift such a mighty firearm or the barely contained excitement painted all over the little green face.

 

“Ape-parent-lee it is called a Still-ate-oh” Shanks was wiping the long thin blade clean on his golden hankerchief, which he then carefully folded and placed neatly back in his breast pocket. He approached the gargantuan man casually and then, with a single finger, pushed the weapon aimed at him away. The other gremlin made no attempt to hid the fact he was heartbroken.

 

“I ‘ere ‘dat you ‘ave ree-sent-lee found yoo’self out ‘ta work. I bee-leaf I can ‘elp you wid’ dat.”

 

Dimitri relaxed. You do not try your luck in Malifaux.

[TranquilitiesEnd]

The gremlin mafia...i got tears in my eyes. XD

[Sholto]

I really liked this. It had interesting characters, good tension and a fun resolution, with a cool little twist at the end.

 

In short stories I like to start with the main character, so that the reader knows straight away whose story this is. In this case I would tweak your opening so it is clear we are in the POV of Dimitri, that this is his tale unfolding.

 

You can be a little wordy in places, for example: "’Onest!?!” The voice questioned from the darkness on the far side of the abandoned warehouse. A regular hard tap accompanied by the moaning of floorboards told them that the origin of the exclamation was approaching".

 

How about re-writing this:-

 

• "A voice" rather than "the voice". "The voice" suggests you have referred to it before, and that the reader should know what it is. They don't, not yet.
• "asked" rather than "questioned". Simpler, and more common usage.
• "tapping" instead of "tap." A tap is singular, so the reader might be confused and think it only happens once. Also a tap can be a noun, and the reader might be really confused!
• "told Dmitri" instead of "told them". Very short stories are best told from a single POV, so I often like to put my readers in the POV character's head and make sure they never leave it.
• "the speaker" instead of " the origin of the exclamation". Less wordy and more common usage, so avoids confusing the reader and avoids sentences being longer than they need to be.

 

That gives us "“’Onest!?!” A voice asked out of the darkness. A regular, hard tapping accompanied by the moaning of floorboards told Dmitri the speaker was approaching."

 

Another example is your opening sentence, "Krahkov paced impatiently across the well-worn floor, seemingly unaware of the groaning worm-eaten floorboard’s fragility". Putting aside the fact that I would suggest starting in Dmitri's POV, this sentence is trying to do a lot of work. It is introducing the story, a character (Krahkov), telling us what he is doing, telling us about where he is and warning us about the floor. Opening sentences, I think, are like a hook that snags your reader. They should be smooth, sharp and to the point, and preferably intriguing as well!

 

"Krakhov had paused. Dimitri had never started" Not sure what this meant. Paused doing what?

 

"This was Shanks, head of the Gremlin Mafia" Love it!

 

"“Now dat’s not ‘da way you should start neg-osh-ee-ate-shuns.” Krakhov's blustering…" Suggest a new line between one person's dialogue and another person's actions, unless there's a good reason not to.

 

"“You killed my man?”" I got a bit lost here. What man, and how did Krahkov know that Shanks had killed him?

 

"Drool dripped down his beard as he attempted to locate the origin of this strange phenomenon that seemed to coincide with a sharp pain in his stomach" This is where things get confusing again, and there are POV issues that don't help. If you stay in Dmitri's POV it is easier to show the reader what is going on, and you also don't need to worry about the reader having to work out whose POV we are in from line to line.

 

"“’Waste not, want not’ as me Moma used ta’ say” Dimitri took one step forward" Based on what he says and does, I have no idea what Dmitri thinks about what just happened, nor what he is planning to do about it. This takes a lot of tension out of a crucial part of the story.

 

"Dimitri relaxed. You do not try your luck in Malifaux" Very nice indeed!

 

My one criticism of the story as a whole is that Dmitri doesn't do much, he really just watches other people do stuff. It is a pretty weak criticism, since this might be just intended as a character introduction, but proactive POV characters are a strong preference of mine.

[ProximoCoal]

Hi,

 

Thanks for the feedback. It's really nice to hear someone said they liked it. I have amended with some of the changes you have recommended, but I thought I'd quickly go over the ones I have not.

 

I think the first point is that I don't really want to make Dimitri a main character. Nor did I want either of the others to be. It's easiest to see things from his point of view because he is, for the most part, an observer of the whole event. I think I didn't want to emphasize him that much. Part of the point was that he is quite unassuming, he doesn't say a word in the entire encounter! It made it seem much more like he was completely out of depth when Krakhov died.

 

The other thing is I tend to like to infer and leave things to the imagination. Things are wordy and long when Krakhov falls because he has no idea what has just happened. I did get rid of 'Dimitri never started' though, it was an unnecessary pun.

 

I guess on the 'point of view' front, I tend to see the reader floating bodiless in the story. The joys of the third person is that you aren't anyone, at least imo. 

 

All this being said, I really do appreciate your feedback. I don't want it to feel like I haven't taken what you have said on board, you were definitely right on multiple counts.

 

Thanks again

Connor

[Sholto]

No problem - I try to keep all comments constructive, and since it's just my opinion you don't have to agree with it

[Paul W]

I liked it, short and pithy, and those nastly little gremlins, they just don't seem to care who they upset. Keep it up

[ashenlion]

aw, I loved the little guys! Nice story

[vinush]

Well done mate. I might take part in the next one...

[ProximoCoal]

Thanks. It will be good to see what you come up with. I am looking forward to getting another topic

[vinush]

When do the topics get revealed?

[ProximoCoal]

Honestly, I don't know. I assume when the voting for this round is over?