Iron Quill Preliminary Round - The Wind and the Leaves

[ThePandaDirector]

Ok, so it's finally here for you all to hurl abuse at. I basically wrote it all in one night (yes this is what happens when I don't sleep). That's right, 3 years without ever writing a story and I crack one out overnight. I've got you guys to thank/blame for that =]

I took the theme to mean the second option to the dictionary definition, meaning "from the past". The chess should be evident, and I'll make a second post where I break down what everything means, but I want you guys to get a clean look at it.

It's 3000 words exactly and it was really hard to not go over, and in the end I underestimated my capacity to write large stories. There's plenty flaws, which I mostly blame on the word count I suppose this is still WIP, but I'm more interested in what i can do better next time.

I look forward to some honest feedback.

Enjoy!

---

Rustling.

It was all he could hear.

Marius opened his eyes and looked out from his bedroom balcony. From the bottom of his garden, past regiments of wilted roses and camps of dead leaves harvested by the groundskeeper, a tall weeping willow met his reverent gaze. It's lanky limbs swayed gently in the breeze, every now and then saluting the morning sun. The lineage of leaves, a legacy of colour, held on for as long as memory allowed before being swept to join their heritage on the newly cut grass. Amongst the decomposing wonder around him, Marius found comfort in the peaceful manner in which the tree advanced towards its rebirth.

Do the branches collectively relieve themselves or is it the wind that dictates their cycle? He pondered for a moment before noting even a dead tree had more function than the swimming pool, now ordained with the drifting ancestry of the garden's numerous occupants.

"My liege." The teasingly respectful words lifted him from his introspective solitude and wrapped their arms around his torso. With her head resting on his broad shoulder, Gina searched the garden for a moment, with her spring green eyes, for anything that might be of interest to her capacity for life. Seeing nothing she turned her attention to the handsome man in her arms.

"What is his majesty doing looking at a dull garden when there is tea being served inside, where it also happens to be warmer I might add?" She shivered in her dressing gown and held onto Marius, also clad in merely his robe, for warmth and due affection. Marius brushed her off gently before taking her hand and courtly kissing the largest jewel that decorated it.

"Forgive me, my Queen, I was simply getting some fresh air." Gina retracted her hand with a hushed compulsive giggle.

"You can't call me that! What if Duggan heard, he'd have my neck on the gallows the old sod." She gave an excitedly conspirative glance inside before playfully slapping his chest. "Now come inside and we can finish that chess game we started last night." She raised a seductive eyebrow, "I believe you were trying to take my castle." Marius' mind wandered to last night's swiftly abandoned session triggering a mischievous smile. Gina grinned and charged back inside.

Marius took a moment to look back to the ageing tree, wondering whether he too was tied to his forebears or if his fate resided in the cooling wind.

"My King!"

:masks:masks :masks :masks :masks

Marius painfully regained consciousness.

His mind was a swirl and his vision clouded by the blurring lights and shadows. Pain wracked his whole body and he gripped the stone wall at his back lest it sweep him into the swirling abyss. Once he managed to slow his frantic breathing and drumming heartbeat, he instinctually groaned-

"I no longer have anything of value, what is it you want?"

"Justice." Was the woman's reply.

Slowly, his vision clarified and a black leather knee high boot came into focus. Squinting, his gaze tilted up, past a bare athletic abdomen to a tightly laced bodice draped with thick red hair up to a...

Smile.

Yet this was no expression of joy nor reassuring gesture of good will, but malevolence, composed with voluptuously youthful lips that belied an intellect beyond its natural inheritance. It looked down at him with a kind of supreme judgement that one reserves for themselves when their waning life reaches its accounting, and understood all his fallacies and misinterpreted intentions while yet retaining an alien quality that would instil innocent terror in those who attest to having seen and done everything. Then it spoke again.

"Do you... like your new kingdom, your majesty?" She couldn't reframe from grinning, like she were asking a broken clock the time.

Marius scanned his surroundings for the first time. The chamber was spacious but bare and the smooth stone walls were inscribed with markings he couldn't comprehend but their formation told him he must be in the depths of the ancient catacombs. After all this time he was finally here and though there were no treasures to be seen the secrets trapped within these walls would be more than enough for him to earn the recognition he craved. Then in a moment the promise was gone and replaced with a grim realisation.

"Why don't you just kill me?" He sighed as she took a few choice steps away from him. She turned her head and raised an eyebrow in alarm.

"You're not going to give up that easily are you? What was the whole point of coming to these dark dank depths, of leading those men and women to their deaths" Marius protested, but the woman just sighed "What was the point of any of it, if you were just going to give up at the end of it all?" Marius lowered his head in despair. He was asking himself that same question. Then for the first time, anger seeped into her cool demeanour.

"What did you hope to achieve?"

:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes

"Might I inquire what the job is again? This way your majesty."

Victor Ramos led the way past massive cogs and drills that kicked up dry dust under the sweltering gaze of the sun. Broad and indistinguishable men were engrossed in various forms of manual labour while the Union leader led Marius to his office. Marius had thought his capacity for wonder had waned after his first trip to Malifaux, but the scale of the Doctor's operation out here was extraordinary.

"The job, sir." Ramos probed again.

"Apologies, it's not your majesty though Doctor, I'm just a normal citizen now." Ramos met the clarification with polite apathy, "But yes, the job. My greatest desire out here in this strange new land is to defy my disapproving forebears by achieving that which they could only dream of, the secrets of the New World!"

"I don't quite follow, I heard you wished to map out some of the sewers under the city. This way."

"Uh, yes, that's true, but beyond the sewers, deep below the city streets is the labyrinthine catacombs that hold the truth behind the history of Malifaux as well as unfathomable treasures, if rumour is to be believed of course."

"Quite."

"Indeed, but it is as of yet unexplored territory, right under people's feet! My intention is to lead an expedition to see if we can't shed some light on what could be a whole other world."

"Here's my office, please." Ramos opened the door and followed Marius inside. After escalating up a flight of stairs they reached his office, littered with the parts and tools of his trade. Ramos gestured Marius take a seat and after sorting through some papers finally eased himself behind his desk.

"How many personnel do you require to carry out this... expedition?"

"I leave that to your inference."

"I thought you might." Ramos nimbly readjusted his tone, "I'm sure that will be no problem. Though I hope you'll allow me to be forward, there is the subject of payment also."

"Oh right, well I've already invested heavily, but I'm prepared to go all the way to meet any further... commitments. Also you will share the rewards."Ramos nodded and slipped in some chosen words between sipping his tea.

"What is the Guild's involvement in all this?"

"Well... if I'm honest they haven't been quite as forthcoming and I dare say I have a bad reputation with the Governor since my recent abdication." Marius fidgeted with the gold band on his finger. "I'm afraid you won't be able to rely on much aid from them." Ramos smiled courteously and stood with affirmed resolution.

"Then we best make haste while the wheel yet turns."

:masks:masks:masks:masks:masks

Gently, gently, breathe, silence, stop! Gently, watch your step, it's turning, quick! Go!

Marius lunged and swung his right arm around the creature's mouth to stifle it's howl, while hauling it back into the shadows. He struggled with its small but lithe form, it's powerful, petite wings beating against his heaving chest and its taloned arms flailing and clawing to break free. He tightened his embrace which triggered the beast to dig its teeth into his elbow. He gave out a yelp, but stifled the tears that distorted his vision and just held tighter.

Tighter, tighter, don't let go, ignore the pain, breathe, silence, just like before.

A familiar crack ended the struggle.

Marius held on for a few moments longer, heavy breathing beating against the back of the creature's limp head.

He finally let the creature gently slump to the hard ground and took another few moments to recollect himself.

He couldn't stop the tears, not because of the pain in his elbow, but how far removed his reality was from the one he had envisioned when he had first relinquished his responsibilities in favour of the promise of freedom.

Silently, he collapsed to the floor and wept in heavy, desperate breaths.

This was as far from freedom as you could get, trapped deep in the underworld, with no path home and only Satan's children for company. This was truly Lucifer's prison.

Gina... Remember Gina. She's waiting for you to come home. You sacrificed everything for her, you can't let her down now.

He struggled, but his trembling legs gave way.

Ignore the pain dammit! What would Grandfather think of you if he saw you now, man lost a limb in the war. You swore you would never become them. Prove. Them. Wrong.

A bloody arm slammed against the wall, nails grating as he slowly, but defiantly, raised himself to his feet. He was going to make it, whatever it took, he was going to find a way out of this hole and out of the shadow of his forefathers at the same time.

He stumbled back a little way and checked his left behind lamp. Somehow the light had yet to extinguish.

The glimmer of hope was met by more roars in the distance.

Marius Fitzroy the Second picked himself up and set off into the darkness.

:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes

"We're lost! I tell you we're lost! Cicero's gone and led us in bloody circles!"

"Will you give me peace!"

"We're still in the stinking sewers, thought we 'ere meant to be treasure hunting in some crypt?"

"Catacombs Mr Dwight, we are mapping out the catacombs under the city, and there is a far greater science to their navigation than I dare say your mind is capable off."

"You hear that Findlay? The Doc' s'poses my mental capacity isnae up tae scratch. Well in that case I'll be sure to relinquish my toolbox to his infinite smart arsery!" Cicero grimaced "Next time Caerwyn and Gaerwyn need fixin' up!" The pair of Mobile Toolkits didn't respond.

"For the last time I am not a Doctor, I am a historian!"

"That's enough you two. Dwight, stop badgering the Doc'. Cicero, just get us wherever the Hell we meant to be heading." Findlay Whittaker turned to their silent companion. Marius hadn't said anything for an hour and even then he had been reluctant to say anything of substance about just what they were after.

"Hey boss, you ok?" Marius was fidgeting with his wedding ring, but removed himself from his consciousness long enough to nod a polite,

"Fine, thank you."

"Just ignore those two, they don't mix well but they both fulfil an important job that needs doing."

"Can I ask what your role is in this expedition?" The gentle giant chuckled at the politeness that was uncharacteristic in the people he often dealt with.

"Me? I'm muscle pure and simple, it's basically my job to make sure that everyone's doing their job and that these two don't strangle each other.

Marius let out a snigger.

"There you go, it's not all doom and gloom you know."

"But bad things do happen, right?"

"Oh sure!" Findlay roared with laughter, much to Marius' discomfort.

"But that's how you know something's worth doing."

:rams:rams:rams:rams:rams

"Are you sure you want to go through with this? Be honest with yourself, is this really what you want, what you think is in your best interests, in Miss Blake's best interests, in the best interests of your people dammit?"

"I have to follow the legacy of my heart."

"Bullshi..."

"What?"

"I'm just asking you to think this over, I don't think you're quite aware of the consequences of this kind of decision."

Marius sipped his hot tea, his gaze fixed on the balcony door, it's glass frosted with the seasons dressing. He reluctantly turned his attention to his impatient advisor.

"Mr Duggan, did you know that my Great, Great Grandfather came to Malifaux during the First Breach?"

"Of course, his disappearance was a great tragedy."

"And did I ever tell you about how my Grandfather lost a limb in the Second Soulstone War?"

"As I am aware the story was that a Practitioner froze his leg solid and he was forced to amputate shortly before it defrosted... grizzly stuff."

"Quite." Marius dissolved an extra sugar cube in his tea.

"What are you trying to-"

"And has my father ever recounted to you, Mr Duggan, what feats he has accomplished in Malifaux since apparently retiring here?"

"Yes, yes, he can't talk enough about the Gremlins and the Ghosts and the Demons, now please, your majesty, show some reason. I know you've lived a life of solitude and you've found what feels like the real deal. I'm happy for you, congratulations, but look at the legacy you're turning your back on here. What was the point of your forefathers accomplishing all these feats so that their sons could follow in their footsteps for you to just give up and make that all for nothing. What do you hope to achieve here?"

Marius pondered the question for a moment. His stoic gaze pulled back to the frosted door, branches of ice forming and dissolving as the Northerly winds brought fresh snow.

"My goal, Mr Duggan, is to fight the direction of the win. You see, we are all tied to the branches of our family tree, all awaiting the time when those branches, or the wind, chooses to shake us loose and send us to join our forgotten ancestors among the worms." Duggan dips a biscuit but then sets it aside.

"For only when I cut down the tree am I free of the wind that binds me to the fallacies of those before me. I am, in a word, reborn, free to achieve my own triumphs, to love who I choose and to live the life of liberty and discovery. To do otherwise would be to resign myself to drifting along the current, every choice dictated for me."

"You're not going to budge on this are you?"Marius laughed. "You're going to have to live with this till the end, you know that right?"

"Till the end."

"The King is always the King though."

"I wasn't born the King Mr Duggan." It was now Duggan's turn to laugh.

"Of course you were."

:masks:masks:masks:masks:masks

Just a bit further. What's that, a light? Come on, just a bit further...

:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes

"Get down!"

"Boss, we gotta scamper, like now!"

"Wendy!"

"She's gone!"

"Cicero don't!"

"We gotta go, Dwight leave them they're done!"

"Caerwyn! Gaerwyn!"

"I said move!"

:masks:masks:masks:masks:masks

Keep moving. Don't look back. The past is a lie. Keep moving forward. The light's getting closer. Keep moving. Don't look back...

:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes:tomes

"It won't stop bleeding!"

"Wrap this around it."

"Do I look like a bloody doc' to you?"

"Argh... how many times... I'm not... a... Doctor..."

"Did I say I was talking to you, now hold still, this is gonna smart."

"ARGH!"

"What did I tell you? You're doing good doc' we're gonna get you outta here. It's all gonna be shiny..."

"They're closing in, we need to move, careful the ground's not stable. Don't hold him like that, here, take this."

"Where's... Marius?"

"Oi Boss, hold up, wait for us! Hey! Hey wait! Careful!"

"Boss!"

"He's gone, let's move!"

:masks:masks:masks:masks:masks:

There's something in the light.

"Gina... Gina is that you?"

That's not Gina...

:masks:masks:masks:masks:masks

"Stand up human."

"I... have... a name..."

"I know, Marius Fitzroy the First."

"Second... actually." Marius pulled himself to his feet and met the gaze of the demonic woman. She cackled, not hiding her amusement at his growing defiance.

"You think you can best my martial skills, Fitzroy... the Second? You're ancestor was quite the swordsman."

Marius caught the sword she flung at him, but he was in no condition to fight. In all his quest for freedom he had neglected the one thing his father had pushed him to do.

The irony was bittersweet.

He dutifully accepted the challenge though and the two duelled for a few brief moments.

"Footwork Marius, footwork! Left swing, right uppercut, footwork dammit! Block! I said block! You're dead! You're dead Marius, he stabbed you in the bloody chest! you never learn from your mistakes!"

She stabbed him in the bloody chest.

He fell like a leaf struck down by a hurricane. Blood began to form in his mouth, the tang of copper making it hard to form words.

"I was always.. King. This land is... my... birthright."

"You know nothing of eternity. This is not your kingdom. Go join your ancestors with the worms."

His vision cut out, and then so did all memory of his family tree.

:crows:crows:crows:crows:crows

Rustling.

"Leave them silly papers, come back to bed."

"I've got so many plans, I need to work."

Gina ignored the dressing gown and sauntered over to him, passing the unfinished chess game, picking up one of its impressive pieces. Marius' attention was turned to her beauty, forgetting how often her curves had distracted him from more important things.

He embraced her, accepting the direction of the wind. She looked up at him and smiled a simple, joyful smile. Then tapped him on the head with the chess piece.

"Checkmate!"

Edited June 10, 2012 by ThePandaDirector

[UberGruber]

I like the style and overall tone of the opening very much. In general I'm not a fan of scene-cutting/time switching in short stories, though one of my very favourite novels Use of Weapons uses it to great effect. Here though it seems to work okay . . . at least mostly. . .

I loved the start and liked the end but found bits of the middle rather unsatisfactory for a few reasons I touch on more below. On the whole I found the action well done and the more important characters very well done indeed (except for Marius in one scene). The 'bit part' characters seemed sometimes less effective drawn. I enjoyed the story quite a lot though I'm sure I'm missing some of the allusions.

I like the sort of alliterating description that you give with lineage of leaves and legacy all rolled together into a single whole and I'd have liked to have seen a bit more of them after the first couple of scenes.

General comments on each scene:

I: liked this. It's a slow intro but establishes the characters well and as well as contrasting their natures, also has a nice sort of reflective tone.

II: Good contrast to the opening. Good times to bad times. Again the characterisation is very good.

III: Massive stalling of momentum for me here. The conversation rambles too much and save the odd phrase here and there, the characters seem less surely drawn.

IV: The violence of action picks up the lost momentum here. This is much better but somehow feels less than the opening two segments. Perhaps because Marius is alone here and so it relies on him alone to carry it: bar the fight, there's no interplay of characters here.

V: I found the script-like opening dialogue rather off-putting. I found I wasn't paying attention to it properly as I was searching for context, which is a shame as it has a lot more crackle to it than, say, the conversation between Ramos and Marius. Were the ramos conversation trimmed, I'd like a little more put in here in terms of scene setting.

VI: The dialogue here seemed okay without scene-setting. I felt the meat of this section came in its latter half and I wonder if the first bit might not be condensed a little.

VII: Works, surprisingly to me.

VIII: Does not, for me at least. I can't see what this does that scene X does not. Perhaps I am dense.

IX: Works though I'd omit VIII entirely and have this run onto VII.

X: This had real urgency conveyed by the dialogue and the lack of setting actually made it more effective in some ways.

XI: Is fine but I'd run it into XII as that seems a direct follow-on

XII: Brought things to an (almost) end very nicely. Effective in its relative brevity.

XIII: Is also effective.

Okay, the following is just for the first four parts as my comments are lengthy and I need a short break before continuing..

There's a few phrasing choices I wasn't too sure about and that I think might save you a word or two here and their by omission or change.

1) reverent gaze. It's actually fair enough as a description, giving a good insight into his state of mind as he views the garden. I just think maybe either omitting 'reverent' or perhaps replacing it with something like 'sympathetic' would mitigate the sense I have that it seems somehow out of place.

2) peaceful manner in which. Could be 'peace with which', though I'm not certain that's better.

3) its rebirth. Could just be 'rebirth', and actually I think would read more in keeping with the rest of the descriptions here were 'its' omitted.

3) ordained. I didn't see how this word fitted here really.

4) of the garden's numerous occupants. Just 'of the garden'?

5) words lifted him from his introspective solitude and wrapped their arms around his torso. Okay, words not having arms this would have to work well enough that there's no questioning by most readers. It bothered me though. I think you could just have '. . . as Gina's arms wrapped around his torso.

6) might be of interest to her capacity for life. I'd have this just as 'might be of interest to her', the last three words adding nothing but mild confusion as to meaning for me.

7) dull garden. Something stronger than 'dull', perhaps? Dying? Wilting?

8) also clad in merely his robe. This seemed irrelevant information to me.

9) courtly kissing. I love this sort of misuse of adverbs (indeed any word) when it works. I didn't find it did so here. I'd either omit 'courtly' or add a few words to make it fit better eg ', in courtly fashion, kissing

10) I was simply getting some. Perhaps 'I needed some'

11) conspirative glance. 'conspirital glance', i think.

12) that chess game. 'the game'. No need to specify it's chess, the following reference to the castle identifies it.

13) last night's swiftly abandoned session. 'last night'. I think we may guess the abandonment from Gina's innuendo

14) charged back. 'charged' seemed a bit strong to me. okay, she's exuberant and full of life. But she's been identified as spring-like earlier so why not 'skipped back' to reinforce the sense of youthful pleasure?

15) Marius painfully regained consciousness. I don't think you need this here. He was opening his eyes in the first segment and here it is again. So perhaps the reader may assume marcus and rather than baldly stating the facts, you could let them realise it's him again in different circumstances as this segment unfolds.

16) instinctually groaned. 'instinctually' seemed to me an adverb to far. Much as I like description, there's enough of it leading to this point that 'instinctually' seemed a bit much. it also seemed not quite the right word either, which may be the trouble.

17) Was the woman's reply. Don't think you need this either. Malifaux setting, Justice is going to clue the reader in and it's obvious who she is very soon after this. Save some more words.

18) composed with voluptuously youthful lips. I'd used 'composed by' or 'framed with'

19) beyond its natural inheritance. You could lose the 'its' here to no loss of clarity.

20) I think you might want to reconsider the use of 'it' in the paragraph as you turn to 'she' in the next

21) reframe. refrain

22) for the first time. You don't need this phrase

23) their formation told him. How about just 'he knew'?

24) a few choice steps. Didn't see any special merit in 'choice' here.

25) What was the whole point of coming to these dark dank depths, of leading those men and women to their deaths. I think you could just use 'What then was the point of leading those men and women to their deaths in these dark dank depths'. As an aside, do you think she uses things like 'dark dank depths' in everyday speech? Maybe she does. But if not you could just end with 'deaths'.

26) to your inference. I think perhaps: 'to your judgement'

27) I though the dialogue between Marius and Ramos needed some work. Neither seemed to quite ring true in this section for some reason, possibly because they way they talk seems rather laboured or perhaps just a little off-key somehow.

28) stood with affirmed resolution. I'd leave this at 'stood'. 'affirmed resolution' seemed an unhappy coupling and Ramos' final words are sufficient. in fact his final words in this segment are brilliant. Much better than most of the preceding dialogue. To be honest, I began to lose interest in this section. The first two sections were great, really interesting and well composed. this section . . . not so much.

29) He struggled with its small but lithe form, it's powerful, petite wings beating against his heaving chest and its taloned arms flailing and clawing to break free. He tightened his embrace which triggered the beast to dig its teeth into his elbow. He gave out a yelp, but stifled the tears that distorted his vision and just held tighter.

Consider: 'A struggle: powerful but petite wings beating against his heaving chest, taloned arms flailing and clawing. His embrace tightening, the beast sinking its teeth into his elbow. He yelping, tears distorting his vision, and holding tighter.'

30) He finally let the creature gently slump to the hard ground. Consider; 'At last he released the creature'

31) relinquished his responsibilities in favour of the promise of freedom. Consider: 'relinquished responsibility for the promise of freedom'

32) For some reason I'd prefer 'Lucifer's children' and 'Satan's prison'. No idea why.

33) He struggled, but his trembling legs gave way. Or just: 'His trembling legs gave way'?

34) A bloody arm slammed against the wall, nails grating as he slowly, but defiantly, raised himself to his feet. He was going to make it, whatever it took, he was going to find a way out of this hole and out of the shadow of his forefathers at the same time

Consider: 'His bloody arm slammed against the wall; nails grating, slowly, defiantly, he raised himself to his feet. He was going to make it, whatever it took, he was going to find a way out of this hole. Out of my forefathers' shadow.

35) He stumbled back a little way and checked his left behind lamp. Somehow the light had yet to extinguish. The glimmer of hope was met by more roars in the distance.

' Or: 'He stumbled back a little way and found his lamp. The light still glowed: a glimmer of hope?'?

36) Marius Fitzroy the Second picked himself up and set off into the darkness. You established he was on his feet. perhaps: 'Marius Fitzroy the Second set off alone into the dark.'

Edited June 10, 2012 by UberGruber

[Thechosenone]

So I read all the way through and id comment at length but again... cell phone.

What I can say at the moment is that its very readable and well edited. There is a use of "you're" when it should be your and you typed win once when I think you meant wind.

Something that stands out to me is something of a dialog tone disconnect. What I mean is that in some scenes there is a jarringly different manner of speech for some charaters. Comepare the language and style of speech between the way marius is speaking with ramos and the way the woman with the tall boots is speaking. Its just very different in some scenes. You'll get haughty evil villain banter with casual conversational speech.

Regarding dialog there some things that just don't roll of the tongue well when said aloud. "Unfathomable treasures" for instance.

The scene jumping mechanic is ok. I think at some points when sections consist only of speech its difficult to grasp exactly what's happening. I do not like the use of things like aarrrg. It really says nothing about the pain or injury. Just that there was some pain and some injury. And one time when you use it its not even to denote injury, just aggravation.

More later. I promise.

---------- Post added at 07:15 AM ---------- Previous post was at 07:13 AM ----------

Oh but most important welcome back to writting. You know you missed it it, your mind churned out a3000 word story at 5am. You're back. There's no escaping the addiction.

[UberGruber]

For the next section (VI) I want to take the slightly extraordinary step of giving a trimmed version of the whole thing. Essentially I have cut many redundant conversational words and expressions whilst, I hope, maintaining Panda's vocabulary and intended style. This isn't to be prescriptive about method but to offer the opinion that dialogue is often not necessarily best rendered on paper as it would be heard in speech and that a saving of a few dozen words may not merely allow greater room for expression elsewhere but perhaps also improve pacing:

"Is this in your best interests? In Miss Blake's best interests? In the best interests of your people, dammit?".

"I have to follow the legacy of my heart."

"Bullshi -- Please think this over: I don't think you're quite aware of the consequences."

Marius sipped hot tea, gaze fixed on the balcony door, its glass frosted with the season's dressing. He reluctantly returned his attention to his impatient advisor.

"Mr Duggan, you know that my great, great grandfather came to Malifaux during the First Breach?"

"Of course; his disappearance was a tragedy."

"Did I tell you about how my Grandfather lost a limb in the Second Soulstone War?"

"I am aware that a Practitioner froze his leg solid and he was forced to amputate shortly before it defrosted . . . grisly stuff."

"Quite." Marius dissolved an extra sugar cube in his tea. "Has my father ever recounted to you, Mr Duggan, what feats he accomplished in Malifaux since retiring here?"

"Yes, yes, now please, your majesty, see reason. I know you've lived a life of solitude and you've found what feels like the real deal. I'm happy for you. But look at the legacy you're turning your back on. Your forefathers accomplished those feats so their sons might follow in their footsteps. Are you to just give that up? Make that all for nothing? What do you hope to achieve?"

Marius pondered the question for a moment. His stoic gaze pulled back to the frosted door, branches of ice forming and dissolving as the northerly winds brought fresh snow.

"My goal, Mr Duggan, is to fight the wind. We are all tied to the branches of our family tree; all awaiting the time when those branches, or the wind, choose to shake us loose and send us to join our ancestors among the worms." Duggan dips a biscuit but then sets it aside.

"Only when I cut down the tree am I free of the wind that binds me to the fallacies of those before me. I am, in a word, reborn; free to achieve my own triumphs, to love who I choose, to live a life of liberty and discovery. To do otherwise would be to drifting with the current, my every choice dictated."

"You're not going to budge are you?"Marius laughed. "You're going to have to live with this till the end, you know that?"

"Till the end."

"The king is always the king though."

"I wasn't born the king, Mr Duggan." It was now Duggan's turn to laugh.

"Of course you were."

For reference, this is 426 words, the original was 511

Edited June 10, 2012 by UberGruber

[ThePandaDirector]

How dare you insult me like this, I post a story for people to enjoy, and like animals (animals) you bring it down and tear it apart for your own sadistic pleasure. You are less than human. You make me sick!

=P

@UberGruber

Agree with most points about wording, etc, and as a rule of thumb I always put in more than is possibly needed. Though I went with "dull" because that's Gina's view, her mindset and conveys her limited understanding of what the garden represents. Also "Marius (or "he") painfully regained consciousness" was used to create the first image being him suddenly waking again (the previous segment being like a dream). I was actually inspired by the last Dark Knight Rises trailer (you'll probably guess which part) and I wanted to establish the contrast of peace and pain. Then there's "instinctually groaned" which is more to do with his words being the automatic thing that comes to mind, almost compulsively (again DKR). I kind of wanted to state it was a woman's voice to A) register the obvious distinction and to make people wonder who's voice it was (Gina's?) until whatever happens to click for them. As for "dank depths" and "leading these men and women to their deaths" the second part is a shock to Marius, but it's only slight.

As for the Ramos scene. I rather liked it to be honest, but it does link to a different writing style of mine. The two styles I'm influenced by are the heavily descriptive, reflective kind (F. Scott Fitzgerald) and the super reserved style (Cormac McCarthy). I wanted to disconnect Ramos from the theme and all that, to show that he is not interested in Marius or anything other than his own plans (which aren't relevant). It's slightly to the point but feels like a facade, because neither men are revealing who they are. And the reason Ramos stands with [re]affirmed resolution is because he's just found out the Guild aren't involved and that makes things go smoother, so he's made his choice.

As far as the script heavy stuff goes that kinda links to my background, and if the setting is of no interest to me, I'll scrap it altogether and reference it in dialog. The group do mention the sewers (after starting with a rather apt "we're lost"), which you can imagine, plus it's likely dark so not so strange to not be able to see where they are at first. My style does rely on missing out information which probably becomes jarring when I provide so much of it elsewhere, but different scenes have different focusses and I personally get a lot from just dialog (comes from reading scripts I suppose). The reason I go back and forth towards the end is a weak attempt to build tension, and makes sense in film terms (cutting between individual shots montage style).

Your version of Part VI is a lot better.

My very first story idea was about a King desiring an heir, who comes to Malifaux and is assassinated by Lilith disguising herself as a servant girl. Then I wanted to add more action, which led me to the catacombs, which made me think of the regaining concious part which led me to do the plot shuffle. There was supposed to be more for each section (and some were cut) and I find the end really anti-climatic. I did want each section to impact the next like a stream of conciousness (reflecting my own posting style somewhat) Inception style (we need to go deeper).

I was also going to have all of Marius' group names referring to white chess pieces (Findlay Whittaker means White Warrior, Field of White, which can translate as the rook that moves on the white spaces) and the enemies having names meaing black (but they got replaced with Nephilim and so Duggan became Mr Black). Also Gina Blake translates as Queen, very dark or very light, which I translate as either the black/white Queen. That ties into whether she is the cause of Marius' downfall (I don't think I need to point out the chess piece she hits him with is a queen - but which colour?). Marius translates as son of Mars, son of the King, which implies his father is a great warrior, but son of the king is a name often used for illegitamate heirs to the throne. Caerwyn and Gaerwyn by the way translate as white fort (castle) and Cicero translates as historian.

As for the theme, well it's all about the past, about heritage and the vicious circle that that can create. Marius is trying to escape his family, but he's also trying to escape fate, which he fails at in both counts, trying to achieve greatness in the catacombs and letting himself become "inevitably" seduced by Gina (a rather careless woman). He seals his own fate by aspiring to the same goals that he tries to escape, just like a leaf trying to break free from a branch only to blow in the same direction as the rest of them. The weeping willow idea came from the opening credits of A Bittersweet Life which asks the question "do the branches blow themselves or is it the wind" with the given answer "that which you see in neither branches nor the wind. It is your heart and mind." I also have a weeping willow in my garden in Scotland and there are a pair I can see out my flat window as a type =]

Lilith too represents the past, and the old kingdom of Malifaux that Marius is naively invading. That links back to the chess game and I would usually argue that Lilith is the opposing King and that Gina is the deciding queen depeding on her allegiance (of course she doesn't follow Lilith but she could well have led Marius to his death). The chess game itself is never finished properly because that reflects the present - a game yet to be completed - while it's fate to never be finished links to the unfulfilled past being forgotten. I also used seasons to seperate the sections while purposefully turning it around so Lilith (who is tied to nature) is in Spring/Summer while the apparently romantic parts are taking place in a time of death (Marius killing his family tree) and while Marius hopes to be reborn in the Spring, he is unable to grow strong enough to blossom into the man he wishes to be.

Or something like that

So i think there's some key points to take from this:

1. I have two seperate writing styles, with one very wordy (limiting story length) and one more film script like (but has personal merits).

2. I need to work on pace and establishing settings better.

3. UberGruber can see into the future and copy all the changes I've already made

But thanks a lot for going into so much detail, and actually making it useful to boot. I won't be implementing changes just yet (I need to rest), but I look forward to attempting my next (simpler) story.

[UberGruber]

I had rather assumed that Gina was the cause of his downfall but I did like that it was sort of ambiguous in the end. I think that worked because the actual ending chronologically is very definite and so provides the necessary 'proper conclusion'.

I think the film-script style can work, though it did seem to me to be rather too much a contrast with the early scenes in some ways. In fact I think it could work much as you have it but perhaps with the dialogue extended slightly (yes, yes, I know, I go on and on about trimming dialogue but then say you should add more to it . . .). Basically i think the dialogue only scenes need to be carried by the dialogue alone. The second one manages that, the first one not quite so much. The 'dialogue-introductions' on the other hand need to come to the point quickly without much hemming and hawing, I think.

By the way, if it's of any use to you, here's how I'd trim the Ramos encounter:

"Might I inquire what the job is again? This way your majesty."

Edgar Ramos led the way past massive cogs and drills that kicked up dry dust under the sweltering gaze of the sun. Broad and indistinguishable men were engrossed in various forms of manual labour while the Union leader led Marius to his office. Marius had thought his capacity for wonder had waned after his first trip to Malifaux, but the scale of the Doctor's operation out here was extraordinary.

"The job, sir." Ramos probed again.

"Apologies, it's not your majesty though Doctor, I'm just a normal citizen now." Ramos met the clarification with polite apathy, "But yes, the job. My greatest desire out here in this strange new land is to defy my disapproving forebears by achieving that which they could only dream of, the secrets of the New World!"

"I don't quite follow, I heard you wished to map out some of the sewers under the city. This way."

"Uh, yes, that's true, but beyond the sewers, deep below the city streets is the labyrinthine catacombs that hold the truth behind the history of Malifaux as well as unfathomable treasures, if rumour is to be believed of course."

"Quite."

"Indeed, but it is as of yet unexplored territory, right under people's feet! My intention is to lead an expedition to see if we can't shed some light on what could be a whole other world."

"Here's my office, please." Ramos opened the door and followed Marius inside. After escalating up a flight of stairs they reached his office, littered with the parts and tools of his trade. Ramos gestured Marius take a seat and after sorting through some papers finally eased himself behind his desk.

"How many personnel do you require to carry out this... expedition?"

"I leave that to your inference."

"I thought you might." Ramos nimbly readjusted his tone, "I'm sure that will be no problem. Though I hope you'll allow me to be forward, there is the subject of payment also."

"Well I've already invested heavily, but I'm prepared to go all the way to meet any further... commitments. Also you will share the rewards."Ramos nodded and slipped in some chosen words between sipping his tea.

"What is the Guild's involvement in all this?"

"Well... if I'm honest they haven't been quite as forthcoming and I dare say I have a bad reputation with the Governor since my recent abdication." Marius fidgeted with the gold band on his finger. "I'm afraid you won't be able to rely on much aid from them." Ramos smiled courteously and stood with affirmed resolution.

"Then we best make haste while the wheel yet turns."

(392 words as opposed to 448). here I would like the saved words to go into greater detail on Ramos' machines and works, especially Marius' perspective on them. it seems to me this is an opportunity for contrasting his feel for nature with his views on machines.

If you like, and time permitting, I'm happy to give suggested tweaking on all the dialogue sections but I would certainly not say you should take them as more than ideas.

To be honest, given you wrote this overnight, it's pretty amazing, but possibly a bit ambitious for a single-stint effort in terms of what you're packing in.

Also, I assume there are references to both The Wire ('The king stay the king' was somehow very memorable from that show, though I liked what followed shortly after in the conversation 'unless they be some smart prawns') and Serenity ( eg shiny) in this. I like that sort of thing a lot.

Oh and I liked the willow as it's meant to be a tree for lovers and it shedding leaves could be seen as a sort of foretelling of impending doom, Gina-brought.

[ThePandaDirector]

Apologies, but I must be going blind, I can't see the difference between your version of the ramos scene and mine XD

"Bit ambitious" is a phrase that tends to follow me around I look forward to something more straightforward next (not Iron Quill though).

The Wire is my favourite show of all time (just ahead of Battlestar Galactica) and the first thing I thought of when chess was announced was that very scene. I resisted a "you come at the king, you best not miss" line =P

Firefly I suppose was more of a subconcious influence as I was just trying to think of an informal word. But, yeah, there's always a lot of reference in my work.

I also picked a weeping willow because its branches hang down, like... over people... in a hanging over like way

If you're willing, I'd very much like your thoughts on the first dialogue part in the sewers as well as the final scene with Lilith. It's helping me a lot. Thankfully I can throw the excuse that any sloppy writing on my part is fatigue - honest =P

Thanks again for your input.

[UberGruber]

Crap. Cut and pasted the wrong one. Stand by...

[Sliver Chocobo]

The jumping back and forth was a bit confusing to begin with, overall very enjoyable

[ThePandaDirector]

Thanks Chobobo =]

[UberGruber]

right... the suggested alternative to the Ramos section is in fact here:

Edgar Ramos led the way past broad, indistinguishable men engrossed in various forms of manual labour around massive cogs and drills that kicked up dry dust under the sweltering sun. Marius had thought his capacity for wonder had waned after his first trip to Malifaux, but the scale of the Doctor's operation was extraordinary.

"Might I inquire what is involved? This way your majesty."

"Not your majesty, Doctor, I'm just a normal citizen now." Ramos met the clarification with polite apathy, "But yes, the job. My greatest desire out here in this strange new land is to defy my disapproving forebears by achieving that which they could only dream of, the secrets of the New World!"

"I had understood you merely wished to map out some of the sewers under the city."

"Oh but beyond the sewers, deep below the city, are the labyrinthine catacombs that hold the true history of Malifaux; and unfathomable treasures, if rumour is to be believed. An unexplored territory, right under people's feet! My intention is to lead an expedition to shed some light on what could be a whole other world."

"Here's my office, please." Ramos opened the door and followed Marius into a room littered with the parts and tools of his trade. Ramos gestured Marius take a seat and after sorting through some papers, eased himself behind his desk.

"How many personnel do you require to carry out this . . . expedition?"

"I leave that to your judgement."

"I thought you might." Ramos nimbly readjusted his tone, "I'm sure that will be no problem. Though, to be forward, there is the subject of payment also."

"I've already invested heavily, but I'm prepared to go all the way to meet any further . . . commitments. Also you will share the rewards."Ramos nodded and said between sipping his tea:

"And the Guild's involvement?"

"Well . . . they haven't been quite as forthcoming as I had hoped. I dare say I have a bad reputation with the Governor since my abdication." Marius fidgeted with the gold band on his finger. "I'm afraid we won't be able to rely on any aid from them." Ramos smiled courteously and stood up.

"Then we best make haste while the wheel yet turns."

Sorry about the confusion. Those responsible have been shot. I loved The Wire until the silly serial killer storyline in series 5. i couldn't watch that beyond about the fourth episode. Series I-III though were magnificent, and series IV only a little short of the previosu standard.

I'll take a look at the other scenes you mention.

Edited June 10, 2012 by UberGruber

[Sliver Chocobo]

Slight note, Ramos's first name is Victor, not Edgar

[UberGruber]

My take on editing the sewers scene (there is actually the possibility of just cutting this scene altogether, I think, unless it has some wider significance beyond my puny ken):

"Why're we still in these stinking sewers?"

"Will you give me peace!"

"We're lost! Cicero's led us in bloody circles!"

"Mr Dwight, there is a far greater science to navigation than I dare say your mind is capable of."

"Y'hear that Findlay? The Doc' s'poses my mental capacity isnae up tae scratch. Well in that case I'll be sure to relinquish my toolbox to his infinite smart arsery next time Caerwyn and Gaerwyn need fixin' up!"

"For the last time, Mr Dwight, I am not a Doctor, I am a historian!"

"That's enough. Dwight, stop badgering the Doc'. Cicero, just get us wherever the hell we meant to be." Findlay Whittaker turned to their silent companion. Marius hadn't said anything for an hour and even then he had been reluctant to say anything of substance.

"Hey boss, you ok?" Marius was fidgeting with his wedding ring, but managed a polite nod.

"Fine, thank you."

"Just ignore those two, they don't mix well."

"Can I ask what your role is in this expedition?" The gentle giant chuckled at the politeness that was uncharacteristic in the people he often dealt with.

"Me? It's my job to make sure that everyone's doing their job and that these two don't strangle each other."

Marius let out a snigger.

"There you go, it's not all doom and gloom."

"But bad things do happen, right?"

"Oh sure!" Findlay roared with laughter, much to Marius' discomfort.

"That's how you know something's worth doing."

[ThePandaDirector]

I agree in parts with that. I didn't think to mirror the first scene with nature with the metal in this scene, so that might need doing.

Or I could always just do a proper non-limited version and throw caution to the wind =D

Edit: @Chobobo: Dammit, why didn't I spot that!

Edited June 10, 2012 by ThePandaDirector

[UberGruber]

And the Lilith scene, which was one of the stronger ones anyway in my view:

"Stand up human."

"I... have... a name..."

"Stand up, Marius Fitzroy."

"Marius Fitzroy the Second... actually." Marius pulled himself to his feet and met the woman's demonic gaze. She cackled at his growing defiance.

"You think you can best me, Fitzroy... the Second? Your ancestor was quite the swordsman."

Marius caught the sword she flung at him. He was in no condition to fight and no swordsman; in his quest for freedom he had neglected the things his father had pushed him to do.

The irony was bittersweet.

"Footwork Marius, footwork! Left swing, right uppercut, footwork, dammit! Block! I said block! You're dead! You're bloody dead Marius; he stabbed you in the bloody chest! Learn from your mistakes!"

She stabbed him in the bloody chest.

He fell like a leaf: a slow, twisting descent to the cold stone floor. Blood formed in his mouth, the tang of copper making it hard to form words.

"I was always.. King. This land is... my... birthright."

"You know nothing of eternity. This is not your kingdom. Join your ancestors amongst the worms."

His vision faded, then all memory of his family tree.

[ThePandaDirector]

Yeah, if I'm honest that's a scene I'd do quite differently if I had a larger word count.

[UberGruber]

I actually thought it pretty strong as is. Especially there being no big fight due to him not having listened to his parents (I love a story with a moral for children . . .)

[ThePandaDirector]

Well I've just watch Prometheus (have yet to watch the Alien films - long story) and so now I feel like writing a sci-fi story. Just as well I have a few in mind...

I'll have to get round to editing this at some point (after sleep) but I can see myself making the majority of the changes UberGruber suggested. Have a cool glass of bamboo juice on me =]