gunpowder saint Posted September 4, 2010 Report Share Posted September 4, 2010 [[.working title.]] anyway! I've been an nuisance on this forum for quiet some time now so I figure I might as well give something. I may not be Dean Koontz but I believe that what I have here is the beginning of something, well... at least quasi-interesting at the least. So here it is... Feed back of All Kind is highly encouraged and loved by all <3 Cowboy Doll House The world appeared, in a flash. She saw everything that the world of Malifaux had to offer. It was a blur, a deep hue of blue and smeared across the mental visage of what can only be described as second sight. This creature had no eyes to see, but she could feel everything, each pebble paved carefully in the cement that she laid upon, her frilled red Victorian dress smeared in dirt and torn, scorched and abandoned. Like a lost doll forgotten by her child play mate. The world began to come into focus as the buildings separated themselves. Parting from the blur of reality forming solid structures of no color but the deep blue she saw everything in. She saw the people walking by and the world became new and estranged to her, everything foreign. She had never had eyes to see such images before; she had never been so far from her master. The very thought crossed her mind and sent thousands of shocks through her plastic figure she immediately shot up from her laid position on the floor and darted her vision around her position looking for her performer; her master. She looked down the narrow way to find she was left alone, in an alley. Abandoned, she felt it! She felt emotion, what empty plastic vassal could do such things, amazed and perplexed her. Nay the very thought of her sentience amazed her, the world was all new and nothing seemed right. She needed answers to her thought, her questions. Questions swarmed her head as she turned to look down the alley that she was abandoned in, the hustle and bustle of the city just beyond the slit of light shining through the narrow corridor enticed her; she must have answers. She looked down to her feet and paused, not sure how she got from laying down to standing up, she looked towards the light and for the first time, with sentience, commenced to will her feet, and she began to achieve her gait. She drew closer and closer to the light as she willed her hand to reach out and softly touch the pavement walls as she strolled, the feeling, the smooth and rough. Everything was new to her, her hands, her vision, her sensations; she could feel everything and her very life seemed to be birthed into existence by chance. She followed her hand to the very edge of the wall curling her plastic mannequin hands around the corner and as her foot encroached upon the light of the street, suddenly; everything went black! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kagelong Posted September 5, 2010 Report Share Posted September 5, 2010 Very cool. I'm looking forward to seeing more! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AvatarForm Posted September 6, 2010 Report Share Posted September 6, 2010 Good start... do you need someone to volunteer to edit for you? With a few corrections and some paragraphing, this would be a much easier, therefore enjoyable, read. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gunpowder saint Posted September 7, 2010 Author Report Share Posted September 7, 2010 Good start... do you need someone to volunteer to edit for you? With a few corrections and some paragraphing, this would be a much easier, therefore enjoyable, read. YES! I'd be so appreciative! also! >.> i didn't spend too much time on the Mannequin background, but honestly do you think the concept of a sentient mannequin is cool? I thought they were sort of mindless and drone and with slow they'd be even more useless without a showgirl so I figured this would be a really cool turn of events. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ormgund Posted September 8, 2010 Report Share Posted September 8, 2010 I love the description of her awaking and being aware of everything, fresh and new as never before experienced. I think the flow was great. My only worry would be how to make me care about the doll. I think the concept is neat and I look forward to seeing how it develops! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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