The Best Defense (!Full!)

[Brewmaster]

After the year James Layton had worked in the Guild, he didn’t think he could he could be surprised any more. He saw his petty transfer to a Contract Town that was under the guise of “Civilization Enforcement” coming when he actually tried to play by the rules instead of accepting graft. But what he saw coming down the road in the middle of the day was quite possibly the strangest sight he had ever seen.

 

Two creatures walked towards his office. Both were barely as high as his waist, one was wearing an almost comically oversized set of goggles, the other a bowler hat one size too small, and both of them unmistakably gremlins. The Contract Town was near the edges of the bayou and most of the people here, Layton included, had learned that choosing the Contract Town life was all about picking the lesser of two evils. Keeping gremlins happy with booze and baubles was significantly less expensive than angered gremlins who decided their town was the perfect raid spot. But their dealings usually happened near dusk to the southeast of town, not the mid-day from the northwest. Layton snagged a bottle of whiskey and two tin cups from a drawer in his desk, then headed out to greet the pair.

 

“Greet to you.” Layton tried in the gremlins cant, eliciting a snicker from the two. ‘Goggles’ stepped forward, giving Layton an over exaggerated bow.

 

“We ain’t be laughing meanly at you lawdog,” Goggles began in fairly reasonable English “But you sound like someone kicked your teeth out. Maybe we talk normal instead?” Layton looked back and forth between the two, furrowing his brow before saying,

 

“Alright. Drink?” Bowler stepped forward and accepted the tin cup Layton offered, and eagerly watched as he poured a finger for each cup. Layton was still trying to process the scene in front of him as he took a sip from his cup. Bowler on the other hand was nearly ready to drink his whole cup before Goggles paused him and said in gremlin,

 

“Whatcha doing you dumb muckraker? Stick your little finger out, it makes it taste better!” Bowler slapped his head as if remembering something, stuck his pinky out and finished off the cup.

 

“What’s your business boys?” Layton finally offered. Bowler coughed fiercely, blinking tears out of his eyes before looking to Layton.

 

“Peach of a drink there lawdog. You let me have it?” Bowler asked, eyeing the bottle while he chewed on the rim of the cup. Layton made a show of considering the question, though this was how most of the bargains went. Gremlin moonshine was as good for degreasing weapons as it was for drinking, so gremlins always jumped at any chance to get something with legitimate flavor. And 5 Scrip a month for some peace and quiet was an acceptable investment as far as Layton was concerned.

 

“You tell me your business and I’ll think about it.” Layton finally said, corking the whiskey up. Bowler looked to Layton pleadingly, then punched Goggles in the arm.

 

“We showed up because of the circus.” Goggles replied, kicking Bowler in the shin. The two looked ready to start a brawl in the middle of the street, but Layton let out a shrill whistle to get their attention before saying,

 

“What circus? Closest one is a week away from here.” This elicited another snicker from the gremlins, Goggles finally commenting,

 

“There’s one that’s going to travel through here, and our boss plans on claiming something they got.” This drew a laugh from Layton.

 

“Boys I don’t mind the occasional deal here and there, but this is robbery. Now would you care to explain to me why I, a deputized sheriff, would allow this?” Bowler held the tin cup in his teeth as he pulled off his hat and pulled out a folded paper, handing it to Layton. Layton opened it up to find a slightly faded wanted poster for Connie Sykes, a cattle thief of some repute who disappeared 3 months ago.

 

“Boss says this guy running the circus. You lawdogs like catching bad guys, right? Bet this circus has lots of bad guys.” Goggles offered, a glint of excitement in his eyes. Layton looked over the poster, pondering the idea. A group of gremlins was offering up a group of bad guys and all they wanted was something they possessed. So where’s the catch? Layton thought to himself. It’s going to be a shootout first off… find it hard to believe Sykes and his crew are just going to give the gremlins what they want… Means we’ll probably have to repair some buildings on that side of town. Layton looked to the two gremlins.

 

“What’s the exact deal you’re offering?” Layton asked.

 

“Boss gets one wagon and its contents. You get the rest. Take the bounties how you want them, we just want that wagon.” Goggles replied.

 

“AND that bottle of hooch too… don’t forget that.” Bowler spoke up.

 

“And the collateral damage to the town?” Layton questioned.

 

“Why’s he think we’re gonna kill cats?” Bowler asked Goggles, a perplexed look on his face. Goggles slapped the brim of Bowler’s hat down as hard as he could, then turned to Layton.

 

“We go with the wagon, so quicker we get it, quicker we’re gone.” Layton frowned as he looked between the two once more.

 

“And what’s in this wagon that has you all hopping around like frogs on a skillet?” Bowler let out a ridiculous laugh, realized the two were staring at him, then grew quiet motioning for Goggles to speak.

 

“They stole Sweet Pea. Boss wants her back.” Layton’s tension eased slightly. Sykes and his crew probably stole some pigs from the bayou and Layton would bet even money this ‘Sweet Pea’ got caught up in it.

 

“What kind of firepower you bringing to this?” Layton asked. Goggles and Bowler both gave Layton an uncomfortably wide grin.

 

“Bacon… a whole mess of bacon.”

[Brewmaster]

By the afternoon, Layton had informed the town what was going to happen. It took some incredible convincing on Layton's part to show that he wasn't touched in the head, but the folks that might have otherwise been caught in the crossfire were safe inside the church across town. No one in the town was willing to assist in the fight, but Layton at least kept them from calling the asylum three towns over to come get him.

 

By dusk, Layton could see the caravan approaching, four or five oversized wagons pulled by twice as many horses. They were making their way into town, presumably to find lodging for the night. Layton examined the open square to make sure he hadn't missed anything, and that's when he saw them.

 

A herd of pigs was snuffeling through the alley near the sheriffs office, seemingly oblivious to being in the center of town. Towards the back, Layton could see Goggles with a prod in hand and a large bag of grain hanging from one shoulder. Goggles was making soft oinking sounds as he quietly guided the herd. Layton nearly froze as his eyes locked with a boar nearly as big as he was, one tusk broken in half and a long jagged scar over one eye. The boar sniffed at him, then turned its head, signalling a similar sized herd to follow it. Layton tensed as the opposing forces were about to come face to face.

 

The first wagon of the caravan came to a halt as the herd apparently guided by the boar crossed into the street. The boar seemed to be looking directly at the driver of the wagon, then lowered its head snorting loudly. The smaller pigs followed suit, causing the horses of the first wagon to whinny slightly. As the driver tried to force the horses forward, a single arrow sailed out of the darkness, planting him to the wood seat of the wagon.

 

The crowds grew quiet at this for an instant, the night wind whistling through the town. Then a gremlin Layton hadn't seen before stretched one hand towards the caravan, shouted "Haw Diddly!" and unleashed a tornado of violence.

 

The herd lead by Goggles charged wildly into the side of the back wagon of the caravan, toppling it over with their combined effort. Layton could hear the screams of men being ripped apart as he grabbed his shotgun and made his way forward. "You boys are surrounded. You got till the count of..."

 

Layton felt his head smash into the ground before he felt the arrow sticking out of his chest. Layton could hear cackles coming from around him as the new Gremlin shouted,

 

"Woops-a-daisy! Need to watch where you're walking when we playing for blood, lawdog!" Layton's world started to lose color as he heard the Gremlin exclaim, "well this town’s probably just about out of hospitality. Might as well shop while we're here. Sic em!"

 

The fast crack of gunfire dotted the night, answered by the vehement squeals of the pigs launching into battle. Those who tried to use the wagons as cover were quickly rocked out of them by the pigs combined effort, so the bandits who hadn't been stampeded made mad dashes to the nearby buildings. The larger boar sent bodies flying like ragdolls and inspired the younger piglets to follow suit. The boss Gremlin bobbed and weaved through his herd, hanging by the scruff of their back fur as arrow after arrow sailed silently, working the pigs into a frenzy as they smelled blood.

 

The Gremlin saw the one known as Sykes shoulder his way through the general store window, snapping off a couple of shots with his pistol and dropping a couple of piglets. As the boar stomped his hooves and was ready to barrel through, the Gremlin let out a low grunting sound, causing the boar to pause for a moment.

"How bout it pig thief?" The Gremlin shouted at the store. "You want to die slow or quick?" The Gremlin dodged some wild shots that got too close. "Suit yourself, Olly Olly Oxen Free!" The night grew quiet as pigs who weren't feeding stood motionless. The Gremlin looked to the rising moon to see a dot coming hurtling directly towards the general store window. "Sorry buddy." The Gremlin said to himself as a piglet, wrapped from head to toe in explosives went sailing through.

 

The smell of bacon still hung in the air as the last few splinters from the explosion came sailing down. The Gremlin licked his thumb then rubbed at some dirt on the pig he was currently riding when he saw Goggles waving frantically at him. "I ain't hearing a thing after the booming you dumb idjit, you know that!" Goggles was jumping up and down, pointing towards the south. Motioning the pig forward a ways, the Gremlin could see two figures running into the night. The Gremlin motioned for Goggles to come over, grabbed him by his collar, and shouted in his ear, "looks like we got us somethin ta hunt! What's say we go bust ol Sweetpea out of her cage."

 

The Gremlin had a corn cob in hand as Goggles wrenched the look open with a crowbar. The ringing was finally subsiding in the Gremlins ears, replaced by the tentative sniff of the air by multiple noses inside the wagon. "Come on out Sweetpea! This here's your pawpaw! Ain't nobody gonna hurt you! I brought you nommies!" The Gremlin stood fast, holding out the cob calmly.

 

Three heads attached to a singular body shambled out into the moonlight. They approached the gremlins gift and gently nuzzled it before the centre head slurped it down, then nuzzled the gremlins hand. The Gremlin touched his forehead to that of the center one before giving it a good pat on the side. "Lets get ta goin Sweetpea. We got us some huntin to do."

 

The Gremlin hung to the back of Sweetpea as they barreled after the two fleeing figures. The herd riding with them was a wave of vengeance seeking to correct the wrongs done against their fair Sweetpea. One of the men turned to the rolling sound of charging hooves, and nearly fell over as he tried to run faster. Both men tried to break off in different directions, but the herd kept them corralled, steered them where the Gremlin wanted.

 

As they broke the crest of a small hill, the panicked man slipped and was decimated in the ensuing stampede. The other turned for the briefest of seconds, then tried to run towards a canyon. The Gremlin could feel his blood pumping as they ran, he could taste the sharp tang of fear rolling off the man. The Gremlin guided Sweetpea where the man was going to be before the man even realized he was going to go there himself. The Gremlin spurred Sweetpea onward, finding the steady thrum of stampeding hooves intoxicating.

 

As they pounded their way into the canyon, the Gremlin could feel the panic increase with the echo of the hooves. The man searched for an escape, but the pigs kept him herded in the centre until the canyon walls were simply too high to climb out of. The Gremlin drew the herd to a halt a few yards away from the man, taking a moment to let the man try to frantically find a way out. The Gremlin calmly drew an arrow, took aim and tagged the man in the shoulder, dropping him to the ground.

 

The Gremlin hobbled over to the man with his twisted leg casting an odd shadow in the moonlight. The man was between screaming in pain and scrambling away from the approaching figure. The Gremlin drew a large knife from the sheath on his hip and drove it into the man's leg, drowning out the man's screaming with, "oh quit whining ya big baby! Ifn I wanted ya dead, I’d have dropped ya back at the blasted town and saved my breath!"

 

The Gremlin grabbed the man by the hair and locked eyes with him, white hot fire causing the man to wilt into quiet whimpering. "Naw you gon live pig thief. These here wounds gonna scab up real nice and you gon have a nice long life o thinkin. And when your kin be askin how you got these here scars... when them doctors try an fix em but you know you're lucky to have crutches... you just member. Ulix is the one what wrecked ya."