A Funny Thing Happened . . . (NBR)

[Hedningen]

Played a game with my showgirls a couple weeks back, and the events were so entertaining, I decided to write it up as a proper story. I hope the events are followable, and that you can get the gist of things.

30SS, my Showgirls versus my opponent's Ortegas.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, I proudly present "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way Through a Gremlin Village" OR "Colette v Perdita; Damn Those Birds"

-----------------------------------

“You're kidding, right?”

Perdita stood in the main Guild office, holding the newest bounty posting sent down by the Governor. Rather than the usual hardened criminal or rumored Neverborn menace, the document bore the likeness of the notorious owner of the Star Theater, Colette DuBois.

The desk worker merely sighed before responding, “Yes, I'm certain that the posting is correct. It came straight from the Governor's desk, bears his signature, and indicates that she is to be taken care of as discreetly as possible.

Perdita was torn between laughing at the absurdity of the situation and throttling the little man for giving her such an idiotic task. “Do y'all think I'm some sort of idiot? She's an entertainer and parlor magician! Why don't you send some of those lazy guard slobs who barely manage the Neverborn who make it past the patrols I lead to arrest her in that ridiculous theater of hers?”

“It's not that easy,” he replied with another weary sigh. “She has clear and well-documented connections to the Miners and Steamfitters Union, a visible presence in the community, and more witnesses in that theater than anyone wants to allow. If anyone suspected foul play, then there would be more rioting miners than every unit of guard could handle.”

“She's a spoiled, perfumed dandy, and about as dangerous as a dead gremlin!” She shook the piece of paper in his face angrily.

“If your family wants continued support from Guild resources, then you will deal with this assignment, and you will deal with it discreetly.”

“Fine,” Perdita said as she stomped out of the office, taking her hat and slamming the door as loudly as possible.

The clerk sighed once again before continuing with the mound of paperwork on his desk.

“I hope she realizes what she's getting into.”

-----------------------------------

“Cancel the shows for the next three days! We're going on an expedition!”

Cassandra turned from the collapsing box she was working on to watch as Colette practically danced around the stage, waving a thick sheaf of papers excitedly.

“Cass, you won't believe the intelligence I just received! An agent just reported in about a rather interesting find in the remains of a gremlin village. An old standing stone has just been deciphered, indicating that a cache of artifacts was buried beneath the place. Just get the ritual right, and the spot will glow!” She nearly pitched off the stage with her last exclamation, clearly excited at the prospect of rifling through some new treasures.

Cassandra dropped her tools and reached out to catch her teacher before she managed to actually hurt herself. Satisfied that she was safe, she responded to the exuberant woman, “Sounds like a great idea, but we can't close down. Big crew is getting in from the new mines up north, and our doctoral associate mentioned that someone needed to be here to receive the materials he'll be sneaking in through the concealed entrance.”

Colette started to pout at that. “Oh, come on, Cassie. Adventure! Excitement! Perhaps even a new show idea. I'm sure some of the boys would like a humorous revue about an expedition up into the bayou's edge. We could work in a few costume changes; maybe a modified miner's outfit, or some of those fur cloaks the mountain folks use . . . “

Rolling her eyes, Cassandra responded, “Okay, I didn't want to say it, but are you sure this isn't a trap? Criid got a fairly good look at you before she was knocked out, and one of those dreadful Stalkers made it away from our last encounter. The Guild could be dangling a prize like this just to trick you.”

“Cass, Cass, Cass . . . it's an expedition, not a jaunt down to the 'vox station for an interview! I'll have a full bodyguard with me,” she said, pausing with a finger on her chin. “Perhaps that Johan fellow Victor is always telling me to bring along. He's a bit . . . crude, but he's a good fighter, and I'm sure the sight of a pretty gal like me will drive him to fight even harder.”

“Hey! It's my job to act like the flighty, defenseless woman!”

“All right, all right. Think you can handle running the Star for a few days, Cass?”

She smirked before responding, “You mean I don't already do that?”

----------------------------------------------------

Santiago spit on the dusty ground, growling out, “Now, tell me again why we're sitting out here, waitin' for some prancin' party of lazy, do-nothin' townfolk with no business bein' in the wilderness rather than watchin' the border and homestead like we should be!”

Francisco and Ninõ stood with their arms folded behind him, their impassive faces silently asking the same question.

She glared at her cousin, “Just keep an eye out and your weapons ready. We're here to neutralize or kill her, and I'll be damned if the Ortegas can't handle a pampered magician. Francisco, keep an eye on Papa; Ninõ, eyes on the path they'll be takin'.”

She stalked around, checking the barricades. The site was ideal for her purposes; there were plenty of lines of fire and good barricades against any counter-charges they might mount. The terrain wasn't the reason she'd chosen this site for the ambush, however; she knew that her target was rumored to have Arcanist ties, and so a site with a dead magic zone had been located. A few quick rumors later by an Arcanist informant with a desire to keep every single one of his limbs on the same side of the Breach as the rest of him, and the trap was baited and set.

Suddenly, Ninõ was next to her. “Movement. The target, along with five other figures. Three of them match that of those mechanical performers she uses. The fourth is a woman, and the last one appears to be a man carrying a hammer.”

“Thanks, Ninõ. Good eyes. Positions, people!”

Santiago spit again. “Mind tellin' the rest of us what to expect?”

Perdita responded quickly. “First off, keep your damn voice down. Judgin' by the information we've gotten, the dummies are no threat; the things are slow, but hard to damage. Not much use in combat, however. She's got her girls trained in a bit o' magic, and I damn well expect you all to keep yourselves from getting' distracted should they flash a little leg. The last one sounds like Johan; works for the Union, but doesn't take well to orders. Just keep your wits about.”

------------------------------------------------

Josephine, the showgirl forced by Colette to go on this crazy expedition, wasn't happy. It was far too hot out, the village they were coming up on looked abandoned, and that dreadful man Colette had brought along had her scared for her safety. Fortunately, it wouldn't be too long before -

A single shot rang out.

“Colette DuBois, by th' authority given to me by the rightful government of Malifaux, you are to surrender yourself immediately! Should you attempt to resist arrest or flee, you will be neutralized with extreme prejudice!”

Colette seemed nonplussed. “Hmm. Guess Cassie was right; it was a trap.”

Another shot.

“By your lack of response, you are indicating that you are unwilling to surrender and thus will be taken care of. Please inform your companions that they are not targets, and should they leave, they will not be pursued!”

She glanced around to the rest of her crew. “Well, I don't suppose any of you want to flee?”

Josephine cautiously raised her hand.

“Double pay change your mind?”

Her hand went down.

Colette smiled at that. “Well, I guess it's time to get started. It's our job to make sure that none of these Guild fools make it out from this insult to us. Finish up the ritual, and Johan?”

He grunted.

“Make sure that I don't comply with their request to surrender or die, all right?” she said, her grin growing larger.

A third shot.

“Your companions' failure to leave has indicated that they will be held as accomplices to your actions, and thus will face the full penalty of the law!”

Colette finally shouted back, “Well, ladies and gentlemen, I guess it's time for a show. May I present to you a little drama I like to call 'Colette's Daring Escape', a perennial favorite of mine!”

-----------------------------------------

Perdita was grimacing. This was supposed to be an easy job, and that stupid woman was screwing it all up by standing and fighting. At least she hadn't brought anything particularly dangerous with her.

She began barking orders at her family. “Ninõ, get in position! Francisco, cover our sides and start heading around that building. Santiago, start walking to cut them off. And let Papa out; he'll find a target!”

She watched as a flare of mystic power sparked up near the group of showgirls. Squinting, she saw that a pair of the mannequins had started running towards them. Far from the clumsy gait the things had been exhibiting earlier, they were moving with balletic grace, steering towards something on their flank. That didn't look good.

The woman traveling with Colette split off, as well. She was walking towards the center of the village, trailed closely by her attending mannequin. Clearly, the two worked as a pair. May as well have Papa Loco deal with them; they'd make good cover.

“Papa! Go get the girl and the mannequin, and damn well take care of it now!”

He ran off, half-crazed and already preparing to light the dynamite he always had with it. He was a damn fine asset, to be sure, but his unpredictability and tendency to blow up the scenery made it a constant risk. If only that sanitarium hadn't . . .

She caught herself before she grew too distracted by her thoughts. It looked like Colette was releasing . . . doves? She was confused for a moment; did this woman seriously think this was a show? As if a couple of mechanical birds could astonish her!

------------------------------------------------

Colette was getting nervous. The one with the dynamite was running towards Josephine, spurred on by shouts from that cowboy woman, Perdita, and her siblings were forming up. Fortunately, they seemed more confused than threatened by the Coryphee approaching them, and were forming up to repel a charge. They were going to be surprised when the blades came out.

She pulled a soulstone from her bag. Time to start getting serious.

“Now, if you'll take a look, you'll see there's nothing up my sleeve. And . . . voila!”

With a flourish, a mechanical dove sprung from her hat. “Now, go get the cowboys!”

-----------------------------------------------

Perdita was getting nervous. Those mannequins were moving far faster than the reports indicated. Another burst of light came; they had apparently continued the ritual started earlier, and were moving to charge her kin.

As they danced forward, wicked-looking curved blades sprung from their wrists. Looks like this wasn't a distraction; it was the main assault.

“All right boys, form up! Take your shots as you get 'em, and take those damn things down!”

They were moving far too fast, and before the last word had left her throat, they bore down on Santiago, taking a quick cut at him. He was slow to dodge, not expecting the sudden assault, and took a nasty wound on the arm.

“Goddamn dummies! Take 'em down!”

Gunshots sparked on their reinforced bodies, tearing their dresses to shreds. Francisco stepped in quickly, and with a vicious cut of his sword, took the head off one of them. The other paused for a second, long enough for Santiago to finish it off with a blow from his Peacebringer.

He was looking annoyed, and turned to Perdita. “Easy job, huh? That damn thing nearly took my arm off! We better move, in case they have more surprises like that!”

She grunted in agreement. What looked like an easy job was turning into quite the little scrap. Best finish off that woman quickly, before any more nasty surprises got her.

--------------------------------------------

Josephine was feeling oddly calm in this whole battle. Sure, she was being charged by a madman with dynamite, but at least he was male. Time to polish off the old charm . . .

Papa Loco paused mid-throw. This woman was oddly appealing, gesturing towards him. He couldn't hurt such a sweet creatu-

The madness overtook him. He threw the dynamite in his hand, and watched as it glanced off the dummy, injuring both the woman and her dummy with the resulting explosion. He cackled with glee, secure in the knowledge that he was doing the right thing. Perdita had told him to be wary of their tricks!

Dusting herself off, Josephine decided it was time to start playing hardball.

“Oh, sir! You're simply too strong for me! Please, come closer, and I'll just have to give myself up to you!” she said, lifting her skirts likely and adopting her most helpless pose.

Almost unaware of what he was doing, he walked forward, hypnotized by her sultry actions. She tittered slightly, and as soon as he was close enough, she fainted into his arms. He froze; it had been a long while since he'd seen a woman like this.

Her voice dropping to a whisper, Josephine brought her lips in close. “Now, a kiss for my valiant arresting officer . . . “

Papa Loco felt the warmth of her lips on his neck. Suddenly, cold chills were running through him; something had to be wrong. He remember he was in a battle, and that this couldn't be right.

“Poisoned lipstick, hon; a girl's best friend.”

---------------------------------

Perdita watched as Papa Loco was distracted by that hussy in the dress. He froze up after she kissed him; something was clearly wrong. The mannequin following the girl suddenly struck out, needles suddenly jutting from its arms. It was clear that he wouldn't be conscious much longer.

Best to cut losses, she thought. “Papa! Arm the dynamite! Take 'em with you!”

Something in his brain must have heard her; he reached down with trembling hands and lit the fuses attached to the bundles of dynamite covering his body.

She was saddened by the danger she was putting him in, but this had to be done. She'd like to see them get out of that one!

---------------------------------

Colette saw her Coryphee destroyed by gunfire, and the old man getting seduced by Josephine. She hadn't noticed the dynamite he'd lit after being poisoned; a quick rescue was in order.

“Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight only, I present the amazing disappearing lady!”

Two blinding flashes later, and the old man was standing alone. The dynamite lit off, and he was knocked out by the blast, bleeding heavily. Guess he didn't expect that little teleport trick.

-----------------------------------

“Damn it, Papa's down! Ninõ! Get your ass in there and use that damn rifle!”

Perdita was annoyed. This wasn't going as planned. These damn fools were tougher than she thought they'd be. Thankfully, no one had lost their cool yet, and they were still following the plan.

-----------------------------------

Ninõ was advancing slowly, and took the time to line up the big steamfitter in his sights. That bastard was going down.

Two gleaming objects were approaching quickly. Those birds that woman had been releasing from her hat. He'd seen one of them attack Santiago, but hadn't caught what it had been doing. No matter; he had the target centered, and there wasn't a damn thing those birds could do.

Suddenly, there was a weight on his rifle. One of them had perched there. It let out a mechanical chirp, and tilted its head quizzically.

“Shoo! I'm working here!”

Its beak opened, and a stream of playing cards poured forth, conjured by some inane magic trick. The second one was on him already, spewing cards as well. The last thing to pass through his mind before his consciousness fled was the thought that maybe these birds were a bit more dangerous than they appeared.

---------------------------------------------

“Ninõ's down! Move! Move! Move!”

Perdita yelled at her family, barking orders left and right. Colette and that hammer-wielding bastard were coming up fast. She paused to shoot a dove before it got too close; Ninõ had just demonstrated how dangerous the things could be when they got close.

She took a shot at the woman and appeared to glance her, but before she could take another shot, there was a blinding flash of light. It skewed her reactions for a second, and by the time the air cleared, there was a mannequin standing in her place and rapidly moving to rejoin its companions.

“Damn it, woman, stand still and let me shoot!”

------------------------------------------

Francisco skirted the edge of the battle, watching for his target. Fortunately, he spotted Johan around the same time he spotted him. Drawing his sword, he charged in and took a vicious cut at his head. It got through his defenses, and left the man looking a little dazed.

“Come on, pendejo, if you're good enough.”

Johan stepped back before taking a heavy swing with that hammer. It broke through Francisco's parry like a bullet through a bale of hay, and he found himself flat on his back, wondering how the hell anyone could hit that hard.

Pulling himself to his feet, Francisco grimaced. The man was smiling and holding the hammer in a loose grip, obviously preparing for another charge. Can't let that happen . . .

Francisco charged in again, feinting high. Johan brought his hammer up, biting on the feint, and Francisco quickly reversed the direction of the blade, bringing it around into a low stab. It caught him right in the gut, and he was starting to fall over.

“Guess I'm gonna get to bring in that woman for the bounty. Too bad you couldn't protect her, eh?” Francisco gave a little flourish at that. It always paid to intimidate the brutes with a little finesse, and this one looked like he was going to fall down after that last hit.

Finally, Johan spoke, his voice filled with anger. “Not today, cowboy. You're not getting at her while I'm up.”

He took one more mighty swing, knocking Francisco back once more. He felt his consciousness trying to slip away, but managed to stand up, the wind knocked out of him. Johan took one more step forward before collapsing face-first in the dirt.

He kicked him once. “Guess you didn't have what it takes.”

----------------------------------------------

Perdita stood facing Colette, prepared for the final showdown with this criminal. She was through taking the woman lightly, and was damn well going to put a bullet in her before the day was through.

“Santiago! Get up here and help me!” she shouted, turning slightly to see what was keeping him.

A ridiculous sight greeted her. One of those ridiculous doves was perched on Santiago's head, and it kept pecking at him whenever he tried to move. He took a couple of swats at it, but couldn't quite manage to dislodge the gleaming bird.

Task at hand. Colette had her hands at her sides, in a showgirl's parody of the gunfighter pose. Her gloved fingers were delicately perched on a small sack, likely containing the soulstones the woman loved so much.

“So, cowgirl, how about an old fashioned draw?” The woman was obviously trying to infuriate her. Perdita remained calm; it was a delaying tactic, and ridiculous or not, the woman was clearly a skilled magician.

Bullets and magic flew between the two. Perdita saw at least two crushed soulstones at Colette's feet; she was burning through them like a wildfire, which meant she was clearly desperate. Both of them took a couple of hits, but were still standing.

The sun was setting. Colette seemed to notice it, and grinned.

“Well, my dear, it's been fun, but I think I've accomplished what I came here to do. I believe it's time for the grand finale!”

With those words, there was a blinding flash of light and smoke covered everything in the village. When it cleared, they were all gone.

She squatted on the dirt. Santiago came up to her, rubbing at the wounds on his head.

“Damn showgirls,” was all she could manage.

-------------------------------------

Two days later, Colette unceremoniously walked back into the Star, dumping a load of tomes and soulstone in the main office. Cassandra was surprised that she was still in high spirits; clearly, she had been in a fight.

Colette sprawled on the chaise-lounge in the office, letting out a long breath. “Well Cassie, looks like you were right. It was an ambush, and they were gunning for my head. Made it out just fine, but the Coryphee could use some repair.”

“You're sure in a good mood for someone who was targeted for assassination.”

“Well, it's not like they succeeded . . . “

Cassandra stood up, slamming the account book shut. “You should take this a little more seriously, you know. Things are going to get a little more difficult.”

Colette smiled. “Oh, come on; what's the worst that could happen?”

--------------------------------------

Perdita stood in the Governor's office. She'd just given her report, and was waiting for the debriefing. The man seemed annoyed, but at this point, she didn't care; those damn showgirls had wounded her pride, and it was time to deal with the problem as soon as she could.

Finally, he spoke. “Ms. Ortega, you failed to kill the criminal Colette DuBois. You are to take no further action until the situation has been resolved.”

“Now wait here! I was given no information regarding how dangerous she was and -”

He held up a hand. “Please, no. I am calling in a specialist. Your family will continue to receive Guild support in your endeavors to defend the borders from Neverborn attack.”

She was silent.

“Now, send in Criid. We have a little matter to discuss.”

--------------------------------

VP total in the end was 3 to 0; Schemes really saved me from having to finish Slaughter.

Oh, and for the record; my next game was against another player's Witch Hunter crew, wherein Colette took several flaming bullets to the face from Samael. So, I guess that particular Guild action was fairly successful.

Working on a jailbreak-type scenario with the next game, and perhaps a write-up from the last one.

[Visquaz]

Wow!

I'm not usually a fan of the story-style battle reports, but you sir are a good story teller.

Really enjoyed it, thanks for sharing!

oh and it should probably be Niño instead of Ninõ, just sayin'.

Cheers!

[Ferb]

That was great. I really enjoyed the read and look forward to more. Now I have to go out and buy a Showgirls set! Damn you ;-)