The Debauched adventures of a deranged drunk rabbit called Dwayne (Part 2)

[Chucklemonkey]

The first thing Dwayne noticed when he awoke was not the fact that he wasn’t lying in his bed where he would have expected to wake up; it was the ache that splitting his head from ear to ear. He rolled to one side in the mistaken belief that moving around might help the situation and it was then he first realised something was not quite right.

It was the squelching sound as he rolled that did it. He had awoken in puddles of many liquids throughout his life but this felt altogether different. He reluctantly allowed his eyes to open before quickly shutting them again. What the hell was that? Why was everything so bright? He could tell this was going to be a pretty bad hangover but decided he had to give it another try.

It was natural daylight.

He had never seen it before but he was sure of it, after all, he was the smartest goddamn rabbit in the known world, of course he would know what daylight looked like. His bloodshot eyes darted from side to side as he tried to get to grips with what was happening. He appeared to be in a muddy ditch, the steep sides told him he had probably fallen in, but he couldn’t remember much of the evening before, which he usually considered a good sign. Quite how he had managed to escape the Star he was not sure, but then, he was a trained magician’s rabbit! It was then that he noticed a small green head with bulging eyes staring down at him, it was like nothing he had ever seen before. The creature was maybe ten yards away and after a few seconds curiosity must have got the better of it as it crept towards the edge of a ditch.

Dwayne remembered Le’ Guen mentioning Gremlins before and the description he had heard seemed to fit the little guy. He decided he wouldn’t wait to see if his visitor was friendly and hurriedly picked up a small stone and hurled it at the visitor missing by a good three feet. It still seemed to do the job however as the little green head disappeared from view.

“Yeah, that’s right snotbag, you better run.” Dwayne started to laugh at his own fearsome awesomeness but it died in his throat as maybe fifteen of the little blighters suddenly appeared in view.

One of the larger ones moved forward and tried to prod Dwayne with a sharpened stick; Dwayne though, had the reactions and instincts of a, well, a rabbit, and tried darting to one side. Given that he had only ever trod the boards of the theatre he found he was unable to keep his balance on the sodden conditions beneath his feet and landed square on his ass.

They were on him like a wave and despite doing his best to fight them off, kicking and punching as hard as he could in what felt like entirely random directions, he was soon trussed up like a Christmas turkey and dragged up the steep slope. They pushed him back onto his feet and immediately started marching in an orderly fashion with Dwayne positioned roughly in the middle of their makeshift convoy.

“Hey you little pricks, you know I could get out of these knots whenever I want to right? I come from a long line of Luperine magicians, I mean haven’t you ever heard of Hare-y frickin’ Houdini?”

Dwayne turned his head to look at the Gremlin to his rear and it was then that he spotted it. The little guy had a bottle of what looked like genuine swampland moonshine hanging from his belt. Dwayne tried to get the gremlins attention; it was easy enough to do - despite his arms being tied to his side - as a result of his dexterous ears. When he was sure that he had the full attention of his captor he pointed to the bottle with both of them, thinking a little hair of the dog would be just what he needed to take the edge of his skull-cracker.

The Gremlin’s head tilted to one side before following the direction of the large white ears to the bottle by his hip. He looked back at Dwayne with a leery grin, clearly showing a mouth full of rotten teeth. The gremlin unhooked the bottle and started to bring it forward.

“Yeah, that’s right little guy, bring it to papa” whispered Dwayne in what he hoped was a calm voice.

The bottle touched his lips and he could feel the liquid starting to make its final journey down his throat to the pit of his stomach. It was when it got there that he first felt the burning, rising through his oesophagus like magma forcing itself upwards through the chambers of a Volcano. Dwayne had never drunk anything like it before and as he fell to his knees he felt sure that his eyes must be as red as Collette’s favourite brassiere. He raised his head slightly, just in time to see that all of the gremlins had gathered to laugh at his misfortune, before one moved forward and smacked him over the head with the butt of a blunderbuss.

He faded in and out of consciousness for what seemed like an age. All he was sure of was that he was still moving. His captors taking him to whatever god forsaken hell hole they called a home. It was when the sound of pigs came to him that he truly seemed to regain some of his mental faculties.

He was tied to a branch now, being carried by two of the little guys from earlier. They had reached a camp and Dwayne could make out numerous tents as well as some pig-sties. He could also hear the buzz of mosquitoes but was unable to locate the source. Apparently the sight of a white rabbit tied to a stick was not something that often passed through this makeshift village and the gremlin at the front of the convoy had to push his way past an oncoming crowd. They reached a large tent towards the rear of the camp, entered it, and propped Dwayne up against a central wooden post before beating a hasty retreat.

Dwayne was tired, dirty, and in pain from where he had been tied too tightly. He really needed a drink.

Not a minute passed before the entrance to the tent was flung open and in walked a single gremlin, no more than height 1. Dwayne noticed that this one was very different to the others however. Firstly it was clearly a female, dressed in tight jeans and a low cut top, Dwayne, despite noticing she was both green and not much taller than his lower leg found her strangely arousing. She had big brown eyes, full moist lips, and a great rack.

She walked around him slowly, Dwayne hoped he had been offered up as a potential mate but had a feeling he might end up as dinner for the night.

Then all hell broke loose as an explosion ripped through the camp.

The blast was enough to dislodge Dwayne from his resting place against the post and he fell straight to the floor. There was a lot of screaming and shouting outside but more terrifyingly he heard the unmistakeable sound of gunshots. Whatever was out there did not sound friendly.

The female Gremlin ran from the tent.

The flap hardly had time to settle back into position before it was thrust open again and she re-entered, not as a Gremlin this time but as a full sized, genuine grade A goddess.

“Jesus baby, that trick was phenomenal! Magnificent! Say, is that why i’m here? You must have heard about my skills as a conjurer and you want my assistance. That’s it isn’t it baby? Well sweet-cheeks, you heard right, untie me and we can discuss this further, perhaps over dinner, or even better, tomorrow’s breakfast.”

A stocky man with mutton chop sideburns had followed her in while Dwayne had been talking. She gave Dwayne the once over before shaking her head slowly and turning to her companion.

“Un-tie this freak will you, then let’s get back to business.”