The Thirteenth Shell Gang

[redstripe]

Fredrick Grogstien: Thank you for tuning into KMAL, 417.2Mhz on your wireless dial. This hour we have a great treat for all you KMAL listeners, the premier Adventure of the Thirteenth Shell Gang! The adventures of these scrappy scuttlers from the Malifaux slum-tenements are brought to you by Zondco’s Salted Gout Cream and Bagel Spread. If your dogs are barking or if you’ve got a dry bagel, think Zondco’s Salted Gout Cream and Bagel Spread. Good for your feet and tasty sweet, Zondco’s Salted Gout Cream and Bagel Spread.

Now for our feature presentation: Listeners, many superstitions surround the number Thirteen but few understand how truly hateful that number is. Out on the magical frontier of Malifaux’s Outlands, a man learns to rightly fear that number. With a trusty Peacebringer in each hand, a man might feel like a God calling down righteous thunder from the sky, but once those twelve rounds are spent, he’s as helpless as a three-legged hare tumbled into a wolf-mother’s den.

Thirteen: It’s the man that stands after the twelfth round’s been fired, the man that’s been given pause to decide your fate.

It’s the black luck of Thirteen that follows the members of The Thirteenth Shell Gang, the fortune to survive that twelfth gunblast and exact judgment on their foes. Oh, Listeners, oh gentle Listeners beware The Thirteenth Shell Gang for they love only mischief and mischief alone.

Now let me introduce The Thirteenth Shell Gang to you all.

Sally-Anne Rubric is the plucky thirteen-year-old leader of the Gang.

Sally-Anne: Come-On, guys! Let’s go spit on the Landlord’s porch, by-golly!

Fredrick: Sally-Anne’s quite experienced at cursing, as you can hear, which has made her the de-facto leader of this scrappy band. Her number-two man is eleven-year-old Gabe Trunion. That’s a wicked looking cudgel you have there, Gabe.

Gabe: Give me your wallet old man or you’ll see just how wicked it is, you will, you will!

Fredrick: Ok, ok, [laughing] Here, settle down young man and go buy yourself a tasty phosphate. The third member of the gang and youngest by far is little Lilly Foster. It says here that you’re only eight years old, Lilly. Is that right?

Lilly: I’m old enough to mush your nose, mister!

Fredrick: Oh I’m sure you are, little Miss. What an adorable tyke. Now last but not least is the eldest member of the Thirteenth Shell Gang, seventeen-year-old Henry Darger, known as Dark Darger to his friends and to his enemies. They say he’s the man behind the plan.

Dark Darger: We’ve got plans, big plans. Forget spitting, Sally-Anne. That’s small potatoes. Let’s throw rocks at Old Man Tripplehorn’s windows!

Sally-Anne: That’s a frick-frack of a fine plan if I ever heard one!

Fredrick: Oh no, the youngsters have started to chuck rocks at Mr. Tripplehorn’s home. He’s the curmudgeonly tenement owner down here on Shell Street. Kids, don’t do that!

[sounds of glass breaking]

Fredrick: I warned you, kids. Here comes Mr. Tripplehorn, now! And who’s that with him, is that Officer Hank Stone of the Guild’s Special Scuttler Task Force? They look really angry.

Mr. Tripplehorn: You kids have done it now and we’ve caught you red handed! [malevolent Laugh]

[dramatic organ chords]

Officer Stone, arrest these miscreants.

Gabe: Hah! I want to see you try

Fredrick: Oh my. What has started as a day of wholesome vandalism has suddenly turned quite tense. Gabe is now standing off against Officer Stone, his hands wringing that thick cudgel. Officer Stone wears a stoic expression and looks like a gunfighter just about ready to draw.

Oh… And what’s this behind him? Is that Little Lilly Foster? It is! And what’s she doing sneaking up behind Officer Stone like that? Oh no, Lilly, be careful! That’s Officer Stone’s revolver, that’s not a toy! Oh my goodness, Lilly’s just swiped Officer Stone’s pistol from its holster like a veteran pick-pocket.

Officer Stone doesn’t even realize it! And what a poker face on Gabe! He’s not letting on that anything’s happened, fixing the officer with his steely gaze.

And, oh, it looks like Little Lilly Foster’s mischief isn’t quite finished. What’s she got there? Is that a turnip? She’s replaced Officer Stone’s revolver with a turnip. With her hands on her hips, she looks quite proud of herself. She’s given Gabe a quick thumbs-up before dashing off into her hiding spot, again.

Gabe: Here I come, Officer Bonehead!

Fredrick: Gabe has lifted his cudgel above his head and is charging Officer Stone! Watch-out Officer Stone!

Officer Stone: What’s this? Oh!

Fredrick: Officer Stone is quite quick on the draw! But that’s a turnip, Officer Stone, not your revolver!

[loud “thwack” sound]

Oh my, oh my, Gabe has delivered quite a serious blow. Officer Stone’s nose has exploded with blood and the poor man has fallen to the ground. Oh, kids, don’t do that! All four of the rascally scuttlers have surrounded Officer Stone and are kicking and clubbing him. That’s quite a savage beating!

[gunblast]

Oh no! Lilly!? What have you done!? Lilly’s just shot Officer Stone right in the back of his head with his own revolver.

Lilly: You betta get outa here Mister Twipplehone, or you’re next!

Mr. Tripplehorn: You pesky kids! You haven’t heard the last of me!

[sounds of running footsteps]

Fredrick: My my, I’ve never seen Mr. Tripplehorn run so fast. You kids really put the fear of God into him.

Sally: You better forkin’ believe it, you old schonchie codger!

Fredrick: Gentle listeners. I would like to apologize for the sudden and dark turn this day has taken. With the Thirteenth Shell Gang, you never know what you’re going to get. Be sure to tune in next time for the Continuing Adventures of the Thirteen Shell Gang and remember Good for your feet and tasty sweet, its Zondco’s Salted Gout Cream and Bagel Spread.

Goodnight!

Edited April 23, 2010 by redstripe

[Justin]

Very funny!

I liked the dramatic organ chords.