Iron Quill Post Gencon Blues:Guildhouse

[Mister Monkey]

Her boots clicked against the cobbles as she strode down the street, excitement evident with every step. The clean blue trench coat and the wide brimmed hat that could barely contain the mass of strawberry blonde curls told people she was a guild guard, the fact these items did not have the layers of filth usually associated with the typical activities of a member of the guilds dogsbodies screamed out to all that she was a fairly new one.

Taking in her surroundings she realised she was somewhere strange, Malifaux is a dark and dangerous place, where death stalks you from all the nooks and crannies. It was the promise of this sort of adventure that had first bought her through the breach. But this street had the white picket fences and neatly manicured lawns that one would expect to find in the home and garden magazines those giggling girls she had left behind found so fascinating.

Finally she arrived at her destination; the house was as immaculate as all the others on the street the white pickets of the fence almost beckoning her into the garden which was a vibrant explosion of neatly tended flowers. The only thing setting this one house apart was the Sign above the door bearing the Rams Head sigil of a guild station.

As she started up the path a movement in the garden caught her eye, and old women was kneeling there tending to a patch of pansies.

“Morning Maam” she tugged on the brim of her hat to acknowledge the old woman who looked up at her and flashed a toothless smile.

“Morning Deary, I heard you would be starting today, welcome to our little piece of paradise.” the woman’s gaze seemed to penetrate the very core of her being looking into the darkest recesses of her soul and taking it all in. The Guilds woman shivered a little uncontrollably, then continued down the path.

The Guildswoman entered the office, it was dusty and paperwork seemed to cover every flat surface. It was behind one of the larger piles of papers she found who she was looking for.

“Private Grey, reporting for duty Sir!” she cried snapping to attention. The man before her was an immense bulk of a man whose mass could be barely contained by the office chair he perched on. He looked up his beady little eyes peering out from his bald head, perspiration glistening on his forehead as if the exertion of looking up was almost too much.

“Private Grey” he replied “Oh yes we got the memo to be expecting you around here somewhere.” He started shuffling through the papers on his desk with all the efficiency of a one legged man in a bum kicking contest. Finally he seemed to realise he was in fact getting nowhere.

“Never mind” he muttered more to himself then to anybody else. ”I am Guard Captain Lazarus, and I will be your direct superior for now, you will quickly find out I run a tight ship around here, things get done and they get done properly, I have no time for cutting corners.”

“Yes Sir. Glad to hear it Sir.” Private Grey replied.

“Now tell you what, I will get Private Walker to show you around, while I get your paperwork in order for you to sign…. WALKER!” A small mousey man seemed to appear behind the Captain, his Guard uniform seemed too large for his slight build, it gave the appearance of a small child playing dress up. He had a stack of paperwork clutched to his chest.

“Yes Sir.” Walker addressed his superior his voice little more than a whisper.

“I would like you to show Private Grey here the ropes, get her up to speed on how things are around here while I prepare her paperwork, Good lad.” Walker gave Grey a look like a deer in the headlights, then a shy smile.

“Follow me please” he whispered at her as he shuffled off doing a strange half shuffle half hop walk.

“Walker?” Captain Lazarus called out to him “Why are you walking like that?”

“Hole Sir, In my shoe Sir” came the timid response.

“Did I not give you a REQ-3724 requisition form for new boot soles just the other day?”

“You did Sir, and I used it Sir, but it is starting to wear through already Sir. I don’t understand Sir I folded it over four times before I stuffed it in there Sir.” The Captain gave a low groan and covered his eyes with the immense palm of his hand.

“Leave it with me boy, I will sort it out.”

“Thank you Sir” Walker said as he shuffled and hopped his way out of the room.

The tour of the Guildhouse really was not very helpful. The only time Walkers voice was at an audible level to anybody other than a guild hound was when he was explaining how to make Captain Lazarus’ cup of tea, which had to be explained in minute detail, with precise measurements for the milk levels and sugar lumps. Eventually Grey found herself presented back to the Captain.

“Right all sorted, Thank you Walker this is for you.” He handed Walker a slip of paper. “Now will you sort out that ruddy boot.”

“Yes Sir, Thank you Sir, Will do it right now Sir” Walker replied shuffling off folding the form onto a vaguely boot shape.

“Now Grey, we have an issue. It has not escaped my attention that you are in fact female are you not?”

Grey stood there wondering if the question was rhetorical or if he in fact required an answer, but when it started getting awkward she offered an answer.

“Umm…. Yes Sir, I am a woman.”

“And here in lies the problem, under section 5 sub-sections 6.3 of the guild manual.” He gestured to a well thumbed through book upon his desk. “Female members of staff are to have their own changing facilities. It would be unseemly to have males and females getting changed in the same area. So I am afraid we don’t have the capabilities to cater to your femaleness here, we shall have to send you to a larger Guildhouse I am afraid, I see no other way around this.”

Grey was stunned, she had not come all the way through the Breach, survived Guard training with top honours only to be told she had to go because she had nowhere to hang her hat.

“Must be something we can do Sir. I can always share with the boys”

“Share, my dear you can’t share, you see it is against regulations.” A pudgy finger stabbed down into the Guild manual. Grey and Lazarus stood glaring at each other.

“E…E…E…Excuse me Sir.”

“What is it Walker?” Captain asked never taking his eyes off of Grey.

“What about the Storage Room Sir?”

“What?” Lazarus looked around to the boy, well as far as his thick neck would allow.

“The old Storage Room Sir, it is only full of junk Sir. If we cleared it out Sir it could be the Female Changing Facilities Sir.”

“The old Storage Room …huh. Forgot about that.” He looked up and smiled at Grey, all tensions forgotten. “Well welcome aboard Private Grey, and it appears you even have your first assignment. Transform the old Storage Room into the Female Changing Facilities. Carry on.” He picked up his pen and went back to paperwork.

“Come on, I will show you where it is.” Walker whispered as he smiled shyly at her, and started leading the still stunned Grey down the hall.

“Here we are, the old Stor…. I mean Female Changing Facilities. Good Luck.” Walker had led her to what was little more than the cupboard under the stairs. Upon opening the door she found it was stacked floor to ceiling with the detritus that is collected with years of hoarding, movement caught her eye and she watched a small brass thimble make a desperate bid for freedom and roll across the floor. Sighing inwardly she removed her hat, rolled up her sleeves and got stuck in to the task at hand.

It had been a hard slog, the contents of the cupboard had been unbelievable, at some point the guild house must have had an Austringer, and you would have thought they would have removed the bird from the cage before they placed it into storage. But the job was done and Grey was admiring her handiwork, her new guard coat now covered with a thick layer of dust, and possibly bits of decaying Malifaux raptor.

“You look like you need this.” She turned around to see another guardsman she had not met yet offering her glass of water.

“Thank you.” She said taking the glass “Private Grey.” She offered before taking a sip of the cool water.

The Guardsman smiled at her “Private Santana.” He replied “Welcome aboard.”

---------- Post added at 07:00 AM ---------- Previous post was at 06:54 AM ----------

(Oh and in case you dont realize I went with the forgotten room theme and the brass thimble item .....)

[Sliver Chocobo]

The sexism seem really out place here, think of this way who is public face of the guild Lady J and Perdita. Is captain Lazarus, Lazarus? I couldn't tell

Nice Santanna drop, made me smile

Good work

[Mister Monkey]

See it is not sexism as much as an unbending will to follow the letter of the guild regulations ( and for some reason I see someone like the guild having many and most of them outdated ) ....

[El Indio]

Heh. A nice twist, doing a comedy piece for the competition. It had the absurd feel of a British skit. A few grammatical and punctuation errors (one I remember off the top of my head is the capitalization of Sir in the military-speak), but nothing that derailed the story for me. If anything, I almost wish it had been more ridiculous.