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Iron Quill (The Clockwork Giant): In the Shadow of the Giant Black Mountains


Hateful Darkblack

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It was hardly an interrogation at all. She just walked in, sat across from me, and smiled in her weird upsetting way.

One of the Nephilim had grabbed me while I was guarding an airship, and carried me across the horizon struggling and screaming to this little hidden cave, in the shadow of that giant black mountain.

"Listen," I told her, "I can't tell you much. I'm just a guard. I don't know what that brass contraption was, so there's no point, in, uh, well, I don't know."

I started stumbling over my words as she watched me, her bright thoughtful eyes regarding me with a confusing expression. Was she angry? Amused? Was she going to kill me? Torture me? Her facial expression just made no sense.

"I don't know anything," I mumbled, "Nothing. I'm..."

My words trailed off and I noticed I was staring at the ceiling. I tried to move around, but my hands were tied behind my back to my uncomfortable little wooden chair. I kept struggling -- not because I expected to escape, but because I figured she would want me to struggle a little more, and I wanted to oblige her. But why would I want to do that?

Who was this woman, anyway? Why did I find myself pitying her? Why was I so deliriously happy when she frowned? Why was I so angry at myself when she smiled again?

She leaned forward, across the uncomfortable little wooden table that separated us. With a secretive little smile, she whispered: "Remember."

Just like that, memories rushed up.

I met Margarita soon after I'd come across the Breach. She lived next door in a big, cheap, dirty industrial hotel in the city. She made her living repairing clockwork toys. I worked low wages as a bouncer at some rowdy bar.

She didn't speak much English, and I didn't speak any Spanish. The only way we could communicate was through her Aethervox.

She'd gotten it secondhand and broken, and she repaired it wrong. It didn't play the normal shows anymore; it just repeated what we'd said, translated between Spanish and English. She didn't know why, and she insisted wasn't supposed to work that way. I told her it was a miracle, and she blushed and smiled.

Margarita had the most perfect smile. (And why was I thinking so much about the woman's smile?)

She was here for the same reasons I was: walking away from a ruined life, sending money home to her family while she lived, fully aware of the danger. We grew to welcome each others' advice and companionship, and in time we fell in love. We shared a home in her apartment, talking about just about everything. I found myself getting better jobs, thanks to her support and inspiration. She started building and selling useful devices. We could only talk in front of the Aethervox. Elsewhere, all we could do is hold hands and exchange heart-fluttering nervous glances.

I tried to ask her to marry me, but it didn't happen. Instead, our Aethervox sparked and crackled and stopped working. She tried restlessly for days to fix it, but no luck. It was broken forever.

A few days later, Margarita came to me alongside a young bilingual man, and he told me that she'd taken a contract to work out in Promise. She said a stumbling "Goodbye" with her perfect, tearful smile.

I was heartbroken and jealous and furious. I wanted to shoot that man; he couldn't love like I did. Instead, I threw myself into the most suicidal mercenary jobs I could find, and hoped nothing more than to forget her.

I blinked a few times. Had that really happened? It didn't seem like a real memory, but nothing seemed very real. I noticed the woman, still sitting in front of me, watching me with that focused, unnerving smile.

I felt too embarrassed to threaten her. Who was I to try to fight her? She was so powerful, so in control, and I was just a washed-up hired hand. The best I could do was to figure out what it was that she wanted, give it to her, and hope she killed me quickly.

"Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it!" I shouted at her in a desperate, angry surrender. My eyes stung from the sweat from my brow.

She leaned forward and her smile changed again, and I was filled with shame. She whispered: "Repent."

I was working as a ranch hand in the prairies, trying to keep the goats and cattle safe. It was a losing battle. Every few weeks, we'd lose an animal to the shadows and predators. Still, we kept to make a tidy profit. Frontier colonies needed to stay fed.

When a goat came back, we all flocked to it. The poor thing was terrified, weak and badly injured. They sent me to fetch the horse doctor from two towns away, and I rode like a hurricane. I really wanted to impress these people.

When I got back with the vet, the goat had taken a turn for the worse. There was some kind of wicked ivy growing from the wound in its neck, all spiky and unwholesome. The vet did his best to remove the growth, cutting away with scalpels while we held the panicked goat down. Then he started screaming. A vine from the goat had lashed out and wrapped around his neck. Thorns were digging in and he was bleeding badly.

The other farmhands pulled pistols to shoot the goat, the plant, and probably the doctor, but I had an idea. I picked up some gardening sheers and blustered out: "Nobody panic, I know basic gardening!"

Why did I say such a stupid thing?

I knew nothing, and this murderous vine was far from basic. I dove in with the shears and tried to cut the doctor and goat free. All these seasoned hands tried to get away as fast as they could, but in my clumsy exuberance I kept cutting. Soon the air was thick with tough fibrous strands and a cloud of spores.

The goat died quickly. The vet took two screaming days to die, even after we shot him.

We all breathed those spreading spores. We all got infected, humans and livestock alike. Half the farmhands died, cursing my name on their deathbeds. I got miserably sick, but much to my shame, I survived.

The ranch owner had no choice but to burn the whole place down, and we survivors slumped back to Malifaux proper. The others wouldn't say a word to me, but I knew from their glares that it was my fault.

Over my blubbering and shaking, I realized again where I was, in the shadow of that giant mountain, dignity abandoned. Had that actually happened?

That woman walked behind me, knife in hand, and cut me free. I fell forward onto the table, hiding my face in my arms, shaking uncontrollably.

I tumbled through my own fears and darkness there for who knows how long. She waited patiently, or maybe she enjoyed it. New ideas bombarded me - a storm of terror, dread, and shame. All I could do is shake and try feebly to resist becoming untethered completely. Eventually, I let go, and felt a sudden, thorough calm.

I felt something cool touch me. Metal. The knife, brushing against my arm. The woman must have slid it across the table to me. I touched the knife, and realized it was mine.

I looked up at her, my eyes stinging, my face wet with tears.

"Rebuild," she whispered to me, with menace and encouragement in equal measure.

I understood immediately, and I swelled with pride. I was filled with comfort as I picked up the knife; I was driven by certainty as I braced my hand and began to cut; I was screaming with hope more than pain as I saw my own thumb fall onto the table in a spray of red.

I looked up from the growing pool of blood, to that woman, that woman-shaped thing, and pledged my life and my love to her service.

Edited by Hateful Darkblack
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Creepy. I like it, good use of Pandora in a very subtle way. Probably one of my favorite uses of a canon character in a long time. You've definitely got a good eye for building emotional reactions in your stories, and for hitting the notes that you seem to be aiming for. I'm impressed that you managed to switch from such a light tone last time to this kind of serious piece for this one so easily.

The use of the board's quotation feature was an inspired choice. It keeps the story flowing as it normally would, but does let you set apart the memories in a way that makes it clear something is different. I especially loved the way you made both the character and the reader question whether or not the memories were real.

However... you're about two hundred words over the word count. I know you're gonna hate me saying this, but you'll need to find somewhere to cut it back. :/ There were a couple spots that I think you could tighten things up a little without losing the impact. The tie backs to your previous story are fun, but not totally important. There's also a couple places where you use a paragraph to repeat something you've already said. In a longer piece, that can work because it can imply a confused mind. With 1500 words, though, you don't have the word count to pull that off.

One other thing that I'd recommend against is the use of parentheses. I know why you used it, and it does work correctly there, but that particular punctuation is an odd one in fiction. It draws the attention away from the story to the oddity of seeing that there.

Going back to the comments I made last time, I didn't notice any tense issues with this story, so good work there. And, aside from the parentheses oddity, you did a good job of keeping the flow and pace of the story moving along. I didn't have any moments where I felt it dragged or that I got snapped out of it.

Great work, looking forward to seeing more in the future!

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That's an unsettling tale. Well done for getting it written so so quickly. I'd have been interested in seeing the story before Edonil's comments, just to see the evolution of the piece.

A couple of minor edits and queries from me.

The nod back to your previous story really stands out as telling rather than showing. On the other hand, telling would change the weighting of the story to its detriment. A tricky problem. Mentioning the guard as being still shaken from his fall/flight might work, but is a solid recollection amongst so many fractured pieces.

You use "the uncomfortable little wooden table" after using "my uncomfortable little wooden chair". A few things spring to mind. Firstly it's repetition, secondly, uncomfortable seems an odd description for a table. If that's what you are going for, fair enough. Thirdly, why is there furniture in a mountain cave? It breaks the image for me.

"and in time we fall in love." from the first memory, change to fell?

"wassome" in the second memory.

Why have you used the phrase animal doctor instead of vet? If it's to add an odd edge to the dream I'll shut up.

"I threw my newly-freed arms over my head" I see what you mean, but this is an awkward description.

I wonder if you could use strikethroughs to enforce the impression that the guard is thinking of things and then changing his mind completely. It might be too much on top of the box outs.

That's my two pennies' worth anyway. I look forward to seeing what you think of my story in a few days time.

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That's an unsettling tale. Well done for getting it written so so quickly. I'd have been interested in seeing the story before Edonil's comments, just to see the evolution of the piece.

Sent you a PM with the original!

Thanks so much for reading it!

The nod back to your previous story really stands out as telling rather than showing. On the other hand, telling would change the weighting of the story to its detriment. A tricky problem. Mentioning the guard as being still shaken from his fall/flight might work, but is a solid recollection amongst so many fractured pieces.

Hm, that's something to think about. I considered it some setup exposition to get the story going.

You use "the uncomfortable little wooden table" after using "my uncomfortable little wooden chair". A few things spring to mind. Firstly it's repetition, secondly, uncomfortable seems an odd description for a table. If that's what you are going for, fair enough. Thirdly, why is there furniture in a mountain cave? It breaks the image for me.

Definitely intentional repetition, and the awkwardness also intentional! I wanted to get the idea across that there was some shabby, out-of-place furniture there - that it wasn't a home for someone, it was just a spot for a prisoner.

"and in time we fall in love." from the first memory, change to fell?

Thanks! Fixing this.

"wassome" in the second memory.

Thanks! Fixing this too!

Why have you used the phrase animal doctor instead of vet? If it's to add an odd edge to the dream I'll shut up.

I wanted to use a less modern and technical term. Veterinarian was in use at the time, but it's mostly an academic term. I think I'll change that to "horse doctor" instead, which seems to be a common 19th century term. Thanks!

"I threw my newly-freed arms over my head" I see what you mean, but this is an awkward description.

Thanks! I'll work on that phrase.

I wonder if you could use strikethroughs to enforce the impression that the guard is thinking of things and then changing his mind completely. It might be too much on top of the box outs.

Interesting! I think you're right, though -- it might be too much on top of the box outs. Too many structural gimmicks can get overwhelming.

Edited by Hateful Darkblack
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This is just a quick post on my tablet, I'll go into more detail tomorrow.

As much as I would enjoy starting with a torrent of "constructive criticism", my first comment simply has to be that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's the first story I've read on this forum for quite awhile now, and it reminded me of the quality that gets posted here. The speed you posted it in, however, is simply showing off :-P

I haven't read your other work, so I have nothing to compare to, nor do I know about any tie-ins to previous pieces.

I liked the start, it flowed very smoothly and immediately got me into the story. A lot of stories, including my own, can take too long to get off the ground. When I get to my criticisms I will touch on the "memories", but by making the character question them you do make the reader a lot more forgiven (in some sense a flaw becomes a bonus).

There is room for improvement, but its a bit of a tight rope since its important to maintain the pace you've got going. As oddly well composed as the memories are, I think the content could relate more to the context of the story, just not in an obvious way. I'll expand on that thought later.

Thanks for posting :-)

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This is just a quick post on my tablet, I'll go into more detail tomorrow.

As much as I would enjoy starting with a torrent of "constructive criticism", my first comment simply has to be that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's the first story I've read on this forum for quite awhile now, and it reminded me of the quality that gets posted here. The speed you posted it in, however, is simply showing off :-P

I haven't read your other work, so I have nothing to compare to, nor do I know about any tie-ins to previous pieces.

I liked the start, it flowed very smoothly and immediately got me into the story. A lot of stories, including my own, can take too long to get off the ground. When I get to my criticisms I will touch on the "memories", but by making the character question them you do make the reader a lot more forgiven (in some sense a flaw becomes a bonus).

There is room for improvement, but its a bit of a tight rope since its important to maintain the pace you've got going. As oddly well composed as the memories are, I think the content could relate more to the context of the story, just not in an obvious way. I'll expand on that thought later.

Thanks for posting :-)

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As much as I would enjoy starting with a torrent of "constructive criticism", my first comment simply has to be that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's the first story I've read on this forum for quite awhile now, and it reminded me of the quality that gets posted here. The speed you posted it in, however, is simply showing off :-P

Thanks so much for reading it!

I've done a lot of NaNoWriMo challenges, so I kinda have practice writing quickly. :)

There is room for improvement, but its a bit of a tight rope since its important to maintain the pace you've got going. As oddly well composed as the memories are, I think the content could relate more to the context of the story, just not in an obvious way. I'll expand on that thought later.

Oh, I see what you mean there. The memory images were all kind of disconnected from the present story -- it might have been a stronger story if I could have tied them into the theme and maybe made them a little more dreamlike and a little less narrative.

I can't wait to hear more! Thanks for the feedback!

Edited by Hateful Darkblack
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As much as I would enjoy starting with a torrent of "constructive criticism", my first comment simply has to be that I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It's the first story I've read on this forum for quite awhile now, and it reminded me of the quality that gets posted here. The speed you posted it in, however, is simply showing off :-P

Thanks so much for reading it!

I've done a lot of NaNoWriMo challenges, so I kinda have practice writing quickly. :)

There is room for improvement, but its a bit of a tight rope since its important to maintain the pace you've got going. As oddly well composed as the memories are, I think the content could relate more to the context of the story, just not in an obvious way. I'll expand on that thought later.

Oh, I see what you mean there. The memory images were all kind of disconnected from the present story -- it might have been a stronger story if I could have tied them into the theme and maybe made them a little more dreamlike and a little less narrative.

I can't wait to hear more! Thanks for the feedback!

Edited by Hateful Darkblack
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Finally on the computer (you wouldn't think I owned it =P)

I've enterered NaNo twice; succeeded 2012, failed 2013. Strangely, I find NaNo prep more useful as a motivation/learning exercise than the actual event.

Anyway, back to my feedback.

As I said, I loved the start, and found it smooth and to-the-point. Just being oddly specific here, but the use of "her" in "her weird upsetting way" and "that" in "that giant black mountain" stand out to me, simply for being more interesting than the word choice you'd find in more common compositions of such sentenes. "Her", in the context, sounds familiar, almost nolstagic, like he's instantly been trapped under her spell. And "that" just sounds more singular and ominous, which does help elevate the narrative's otherwise feeble attempt to incorporate the theme.

Having only read your other piece after this one (I'll post my feedback on that shortly), the second paragraph was actually very enjoyable without any knowledge of previous events. I like how it just ignores the previous event, and before you can wonder what led him to being grabbed, you're flung into the present moment.

This is the first speedbump I hit:

"Then I couldn't even speak. I struggled a little where I was, tied to my uncomfortable little wooden chair, but honestly, I don't know if I was trying to escape or if I just wanted to entertain her for a while with my contortions. Why would I want to do that?"

The bit that got me was "I stuggled a little where I was". It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Why is is suddenly strunggling? Why just a little? The second half of the paragraph helps you understand what's going on (he doesn't know why he's struggling), but I think it could be worded better nevertheless. But do keep the last sentence, I like how that gives the reader a "oh I see, huh, interesting..." moment, but if you can get rid of the speedbump then it'll be a smoother experience.

I like the use of picking out the key words wih bold, italic, purple. I usually don't like colour in writing, but it works here.

"There was an open metal box on the table."

I know what you;re doing, and it makes sense, but it's poorly placed, and while to the point, that directness highlights it in a way that feels out of place.

"She held all the cards - who was I?"

This bit didn't make much sense to me. I get the first part, but the random "who was I?" makes no sense. I'm guessing he's sayig "who am I to challenge her, to fight back?", but it doesn't translate that way.

"I hid my face in my newly-freed arms"

I agree with edonil, "newly-freed arms" sounds weird.

"hunched over the table in wailing agony and shame."

This just hits a flat note for me, I get no impression of "wailing agony and shame". I think this paragraph as a whole is worth expanding on, even if you have to cut down the memories more, as I think that the end could benefit from a little more build up, a drum roll of emotion if you will.

I think he should realize it was his knife by touching it, the sense of it reminding him, but possibly in a way that makes us question if it really is his knife.

The end is fine, the cutting of the thumb could be a bit more vivid, but the rather dismissive way it comes accross is good, which would contrast nicely if you expanded the previous paragrap I noted, to show that he's passed through the storm of sanity and is flying through the clear skies of insanity =]

I'll finish with the memories, as they are a seperate part of the story in some sense. But as I said before, that's part of the problem. Though the mention of flophouse made me jump to the conclusion Margarita was a hooker, both memories are well composed. I prefer the second, as it has both humour and a healthy dose oif regret and shame, which links it to the rest of the story better. I think the first could emphasise the emotions of jealousy and rejection. A quirky idea would be if you subtly linked Margarita to Pandora (the smile is key there I think), then have the protagonist take confusing pleasure in causing her woe, which links to the part about Pandora frowning and smiling. Then perhaps the second story is reversing the positions and placing the protagonist in Pandora's shoes, though in that case I might be tempted to switch the order of the memories (going from feeling woe to causing it). Just thinking aloud (maybe needs more "thinking" ;)), but I don't think it'd take too much work to integrate the memories better.

Anyhoo, that's about it, I think. Hope that's of some help to you. Feel free to ignore everything I've said =D

Edited by ThePandaDirector
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Finally on the computer (you wouldn't think I owned it =P)

I've enterered NaNo twice; succeeded 2012, failed 2013. Strangely, I find NaNo prep more useful as a motivation/learning exercise than the actual event.

Anyway, back to my feedback.

As I said, I loved the start, and found it smooth and to-the-point. Just being oddly specific here, but the use of "her" in "her weird upsetting way" and "that" in "that giant black mountain" stand out to me, simply for being more interesting than the word choice you'd find in more common compositions of such sentenes. "Her", in the context, sounds familiar, almost nolstagic, like he's instantly been trapped under her spell. And "that" just sounds more singular and ominous, which does help elevate the narrative's otherwise feeble attempt to incorporate the theme.

Having only read your other piece after this one (I'll post my feedback on that shortly), the second paragraph was actually very enjoyable without any knowledge of previous events. I like how it just ignores the previous event, and before you can wonder what led him to being grabbed, you're flung into the present moment.

This is the first speedbump I hit:

"Then I couldn't even speak. I struggled a little where I was, tied to my uncomfortable little wooden chair, but honestly, I don't know if I was trying to escape or if I just wanted to entertain her for a while with my contortions. Why would I want to do that?"

The bit that got me was "I stuggled a little where I was". It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Why is is suddenly strunggling? Why just a little? The second half of the paragraph helps you understand what's going on (he doesn't know why he's struggling), but I think it could be worded better nevertheless. But do keep the last sentence, I like how that gives the reader a "oh I see, huh, interesting..." moment, but if you can get rid of the speedbump then it'll be a smoother experience.

I like the use of picking out the key words wih bold, italic, purple. I usually don't like colour in writing, but it works here.

"There was an open metal box on the table."

I know what you;re doing, and it makes sense, but it's poorly placed, and while to the point, that directness highlights it in a way that feels out of place.

"She held all the cards - who was I?"

This bit didn't make much sense to me. I get the first part, but the random "who was I?" makes no sense. I'm guessing he's sayig "who am I to challenge her, to fight back?", but it doesn't translate that way.

"I hid my face in my newly-freed arms"

I agree with edonil, "newly-freed arms" sounds weird.

"hunched over the table in wailing agony and shame."

This just hits a flat note for me, I get no impression of "wailing agony and shame". I think this paragraph as a whole is worth expanding on, even if you have to cut down the memories more, as I think that the end could benefit from a little more build up, a drum roll of emotion if you will.

I think he should realize it was his knife by touching it, the sense of it reminding him, but possibly in a way that makes us question if it really is his knife.

The end is fine, the cutting of the thumb could be a bit more vivid, but the rather dismissive way it comes accross is good, which would contrast nicely if you expanded the previous paragrap I noted, to show that he's passed through the storm of sanity and is flying through the clear skies of insanity =]

I'll finish with the memories, as they are a seperate part of the story in some sense. But as I said before, that's part of the problem. Though the mention of flophouse made me jump to the conclusion Margarita was a hooker, both memories are well composed. I prefer the second, as it has both humour and a healthy dose oif regret and shame, which links it to the rest of the story better. I think the first could emphasise the emotions of jealousy and rejection. A quirky idea would be if you subtly linked Margarita to Pandora (the smile is key there I think), then have the protagonist take confusing pleasure in causing her woe, which links to the part about Pandora frowning and smiling. Then perhaps the second story is reversing the positions and placing the protagonist in Pandora's shoes, though in that case I might be tempted to switch the order of the memories (going from feeling woe to causing it). Just thinking aloud (maybe needs more "thinking" ;)), but I don't think it'd take too much work to integrate the memories better.

Anyhoo, that's about it, I think. Hope that's of some help to you. Feel free to ignore everything I've said =D

Edited by ThePandaDirector
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I've enterered NaNo twice; succeeded 2012, failed 2013. Strangely, I find NaNo prep more useful as a motivation/learning exercise than the actual event.

Done it seven times, completed six. Definitely learned to write fast. Never submitted any of these novels for publication, though. :)

As I said, I loved the start, and found it smooth and to-the-point. Just being oddly specific here, but the use of "her" in "her weird upsetting way" and "that" in "that giant black mountain" stand out to me, simply for being more interesting than the word choice you'd find in more common compositions of such sentenes. "Her", in the context, sounds familiar, almost nolstagic, like he's instantly been trapped under her spell. And "that" just sounds more singular and ominous, which does help elevate the narrative's otherwise feeble attempt to incorporate the theme.

Thanks! And, yeah, this use of theme was definitely just a side thing -- I thought it'd be fun to use all four themes, and this seemed like a nice place to put it. The others fit in more, I agree.

Having only read your other piece after this one (I'll post my feedback on that shortly), the second paragraph was actually very enjoyable without any knowledge of previous events. I like how it just ignores the previous event, and before you can wonder what led him to being grabbed, you're flung into the present moment.

Thanks!

"Then I couldn't even speak. I struggled a little where I was, tied to my uncomfortable little wooden chair, but honestly, I don't know if I was trying to escape or if I just wanted to entertain her for a while with my contortions. Why would I want to do that?"

The bit that got me was "I stuggled a little where I was". It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Why is is suddenly strunggling? Why just a little? The second half of the paragraph helps you understand what's going on (he doesn't know why he's struggling), but I think it could be worded better nevertheless. But do keep the last sentence, I like how that gives the reader a "oh I see, huh, interesting..." moment, but if you can get rid of the speedbump then it'll be a smoother experience.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm going to think about how I want to edit that.

"There was an open metal box on the table."

I know what you;re doing, and it makes sense, but it's poorly placed, and while to the point, that directness highlights it in a way that feels out of place.

Yeah, true. It doesn't add much to the story.

"She held all the cards - who was I?"

This bit didn't make much sense to me. I get the first part, but the random "who was I?" makes no sense. I'm guessing he's sayig "who am I to challenge her, to fight back?", but it doesn't translate that way.

Oh! Yeah, that does need some clarity.

"I hid my face in my newly-freed arms"

I agree with edonil, "newly-freed arms" sounds weird.

Thanks! More editing here.

"hunched over the table in wailing agony and shame."

This just hits a flat note for me, I get no impression of "wailing agony and shame". I think this paragraph as a whole is worth expanding on, even if you have to cut down the memories more, as I think that the end could benefit from a little more build up, a drum roll of emotion if you will.

I think he should realize it was his knife by touching it, the sense of it reminding him, but possibly in a way that makes us question if it really is his knife.

Oh, I dig that!

I'll finish with the memories, as they are a seperate part of the story in some sense. But as I said before, that's part of the problem. Though the mention of flophouse made me jump to the conclusion Margarita was a hooker, both memories are well composed. I prefer the second, as it has both humour and a healthy dose oif regret and shame, which links it to the rest of the story better. I think the first could emphasise the emotions of jealousy and rejection. A quirky idea would be if you subtly linked Margarita to Pandora (the smile is key there I think), then have the protagonist take confusing pleasure in causing her woe, which links to the part about Pandora frowning and smiling. Then perhaps the second story is reversing the positions and placing the protagonist in Pandora's shoes, though in that case I might be tempted to switch the order of the memories (going from feeling woe to causing it). Just thinking aloud (maybe needs more "thinking" ;)), but I don't think it'd take too much work to integrate the memories better.

I like the order they're in. I totally meant for the place to be a shabby apartment, not a brothel. I'll edit that a little bit. I don't want to have him take pleasure in causing Margarita woe, but I like the idea of highlighting the smile. More edits! Thank you!

Anyhoo, that's about it, I think. Hope that's of some help to you. Feel free to ignore everything I've said =D

Super good! I'll use a lot of this. It's very helpful!

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I've enterered NaNo twice; succeeded 2012, failed 2013. Strangely, I find NaNo prep more useful as a motivation/learning exercise than the actual event.

Done it seven times, completed six. Definitely learned to write fast. Never submitted any of these novels for publication, though. :)

As I said, I loved the start, and found it smooth and to-the-point. Just being oddly specific here, but the use of "her" in "her weird upsetting way" and "that" in "that giant black mountain" stand out to me, simply for being more interesting than the word choice you'd find in more common compositions of such sentenes. "Her", in the context, sounds familiar, almost nolstagic, like he's instantly been trapped under her spell. And "that" just sounds more singular and ominous, which does help elevate the narrative's otherwise feeble attempt to incorporate the theme.

Thanks! And, yeah, this use of theme was definitely just a side thing -- I thought it'd be fun to use all four themes, and this seemed like a nice place to put it. The others fit in more, I agree.

Having only read your other piece after this one (I'll post my feedback on that shortly), the second paragraph was actually very enjoyable without any knowledge of previous events. I like how it just ignores the previous event, and before you can wonder what led him to being grabbed, you're flung into the present moment.

Thanks!

"Then I couldn't even speak. I struggled a little where I was, tied to my uncomfortable little wooden chair, but honestly, I don't know if I was trying to escape or if I just wanted to entertain her for a while with my contortions. Why would I want to do that?"

The bit that got me was "I stuggled a little where I was". It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. Why is is suddenly strunggling? Why just a little? The second half of the paragraph helps you understand what's going on (he doesn't know why he's struggling), but I think it could be worded better nevertheless. But do keep the last sentence, I like how that gives the reader a "oh I see, huh, interesting..." moment, but if you can get rid of the speedbump then it'll be a smoother experience.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I'm going to think about how I want to edit that.

"There was an open metal box on the table."

I know what you;re doing, and it makes sense, but it's poorly placed, and while to the point, that directness highlights it in a way that feels out of place.

Yeah, true. It doesn't add much to the story.

"She held all the cards - who was I?"

This bit didn't make much sense to me. I get the first part, but the random "who was I?" makes no sense. I'm guessing he's sayig "who am I to challenge her, to fight back?", but it doesn't translate that way.

Oh! Yeah, that does need some clarity.

"I hid my face in my newly-freed arms"

I agree with edonil, "newly-freed arms" sounds weird.

Thanks! More editing here.

"hunched over the table in wailing agony and shame."

This just hits a flat note for me, I get no impression of "wailing agony and shame". I think this paragraph as a whole is worth expanding on, even if you have to cut down the memories more, as I think that the end could benefit from a little more build up, a drum roll of emotion if you will.

I think he should realize it was his knife by touching it, the sense of it reminding him, but possibly in a way that makes us question if it really is his knife.

Oh, I dig that!

I'll finish with the memories, as they are a seperate part of the story in some sense. But as I said before, that's part of the problem. Though the mention of flophouse made me jump to the conclusion Margarita was a hooker, both memories are well composed. I prefer the second, as it has both humour and a healthy dose oif regret and shame, which links it to the rest of the story better. I think the first could emphasise the emotions of jealousy and rejection. A quirky idea would be if you subtly linked Margarita to Pandora (the smile is key there I think), then have the protagonist take confusing pleasure in causing her woe, which links to the part about Pandora frowning and smiling. Then perhaps the second story is reversing the positions and placing the protagonist in Pandora's shoes, though in that case I might be tempted to switch the order of the memories (going from feeling woe to causing it). Just thinking aloud (maybe needs more "thinking" ;)), but I don't think it'd take too much work to integrate the memories better.

I like the order they're in. I totally meant for the place to be a shabby apartment, not a brothel. I'll edit that a little bit. I don't want to have him take pleasure in causing Margarita woe, but I like the idea of highlighting the smile. More edits! Thank you!

Anyhoo, that's about it, I think. Hope that's of some help to you. Feel free to ignore everything I've said =D

Super good! I'll use a lot of this. It's very helpful!

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Throughout all of the time I have spent looking over masters, and henchmen I have never had the pull to try Pandora, as I saw her as too dimensional for my liking. After this story though, I may give her a try as I did not see her in such a way.

I am a fan of the Purple, it helps draw attention to what she is saying and puts emphasis on the fact that she is not human.

As said before, the quote system was a nice touch. A touch we all should consider as it helps distinguish from one scene/ setting to the next without confusing the reader.

The only thing I found that made me take pause was in the following line,

It was hardly an interrogation at all. She just walked in, sat across from me, and smiled in her weird upsetting way.

It may just be the way that I am reading this but it sounds almost like he knows her by the way he says it. The only change I would make, if it were me, would be to swap out the bolded "her" for "a":

It was hardly an interrogation at all. She just walked in, sat across from me, and smiled in a weird upsetting way.

This is just me, I sometimes have a habit of readin sentences a different way but I thought I should include my input however small.

As always,

The Grue

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Throughout all of the time I have spent looking over masters, and henchmen I have never had the pull to try Pandora, as I saw her as too dimensional for my liking. After this story though, I may give her a try as I did not see her in such a way.

I am a fan of the Purple, it helps draw attention to what she is saying and puts emphasis on the fact that she is not human.

As said before, the quote system was a nice touch. A touch we all should consider as it helps distinguish from one scene/ setting to the next without confusing the reader.

The only thing I found that made me take pause was in the following line,

It was hardly an interrogation at all. She just walked in, sat across from me, and smiled in her weird upsetting way.

It may just be the way that I am reading this but it sounds almost like he knows her by the way he says it. The only change I would make, if it were me, would be to swap out the bolded "her" for "a":

It was hardly an interrogation at all. She just walked in, sat across from me, and smiled in a weird upsetting way.

This is just me, I sometimes have a habit of readin sentences a different way but I thought I should include my input however small.

As always,

The Grue

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Throughout all of the time I have spent looking over masters, and henchmen I have never had the pull to try Pandora, as I saw her as too dimensional for my liking. After this story though, I may give her a try as I did not see her in such a way.

Gosh, high praise! Thanks!

It may just be the way that I am reading this but it sounds almost like he knows her by the way he says it. The only change I would make, if it were me, would be to swap out the bolded "her" for "a":

Thanks! Yes, this was intentional; a way to show that she seemed instantly familiar somehow, especially in retrospect after the narrator's conversion.

(Incidentally, the Narrator is a Desperate Mercenary. :) )

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Throughout all of the time I have spent looking over masters, and henchmen I have never had the pull to try Pandora, as I saw her as too dimensional for my liking. After this story though, I may give her a try as I did not see her in such a way.

Gosh, high praise! Thanks!

It may just be the way that I am reading this but it sounds almost like he knows her by the way he says it. The only change I would make, if it were me, would be to swap out the bolded "her" for "a":

Thanks! Yes, this was intentional; a way to show that she seemed instantly familiar somehow, especially in retrospect after the narrator's conversion.

(Incidentally, the Narrator is a Desperate Mercenary. :) )

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