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A Narrative Puppet Battle Report - Marcus v. Seamus...


fullborer

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greetings Puppets and Puppettes,

I wrote most of this batrep-story in my head while shoveling the driveway this week and LaFemmeGeekita’s own battle report entry inspired me to finish it up and post it. The battle itself is a couple weeks old, my latest one-on-one scuffle with Tauwolf (until later today) and we played it on a board layout of his design – which you can see here.

If it was intended to be quick and brutal, well… mission accomplished.

. . . . .

Marcus’s arm was on fire again. No matter how he smothered it or dunked it in water, it never stayed out very long. It just kept bursting into blue flame. Sometimes Mistress would use his burny arm to light the fire under her cauldron or set him beside her as she read. He liked that, but fire was still scary. Most puppets didn’t want to play with him when he was burning like that.

He hit the fire with his staff. That hurt his hand a little, and blackened a leaf on his stick, but one couldn’t be on fire all the time. It wasn’t proper puppish behavior. He hit the fire until it went out and looked around the shack to see who else was up and might want to play today.

That’s when he saw it - OOO - he saw it! A firecracker almost as big as he was, tucked between two workbenches in the middle of the one-room shanty. It was shiny, and stripy, and just stuffed with potential. He had to get it! Marcus was about to hop off his workbench to do just that when he saw Seamus. The other puppet was directly opposite him, on a bench of his own, wearing that stupid hat and clearly looking at his ‘cracker. Marcus growled. His puppet friends perked up. But Seamus’s friends were already moving; a Ronin with purple yarn tresses scampering well in the lead. They raced toward the center of the room and the shiny, stripy prize.

Joss clomped forward in angry hops. Mostly Joss was angry. Mostly. Or sleeping. But mostly angry. He clashed his axe-hands together and a sparkling bolt of Joss-colored energy hit the impetuous Ronin, ripping her to shreds. ‘Maybe she’ll play with us next time instead of stupid-hat Seamus.’ Marcus thought as he scratched Rosebud behind the ears. The Guild Hound chomped her teeth eagerly.

At a wave from Marcus's staff, Frosty the Ice Golem rolled forward at an impressive clip, outpacing even the hopping-mad Joss. Marcus thought he might get to the ‘cracker before Seamus’s friends. He couldn’t tell for sure though; Frosty was tall and blocking his view. Maybe if he took off that hat, Marcus would be able to see. Come to think of it, Frosty’s hat looked suspiciously like Seamus’s. Maybe not quite as stupid, but still very… hatty. And at least a little stupid. Marcus growled again and his arm burst into flame. Again. His remaining button eye narrowed. Stupid hat twins.

Oblivious to Marcus’s growing ire, Frosty rolled over the nearer workbench and right up the ‘cracker. He picked it up. It was shiny, and stripy, and just stuffed with potential. Marcus would love it. Maybe he’d stop trying to melt Frosty with that crazy burning arm. That just wasn’t proper puppish behavior. The Ice Golem turned back and saw that Marcus was on fire again. That wasn’t good. Maybe he’d just roll over this way a bit until Marcus settled down.

Marcus’s button eye widened again. Where was Frosty going?! Straight toward Seamus?! Marcus decided he would certainly give him a thumpity thump thump as he looked at that Frosty go. It was some kind of stupid hat conspiracy! Seamus was going to pay for this, and Frosty, and any other puppet with a hat! His button-gaze fell suspiciously on the Death Marshall and his equally suspicious hat. For his part, the Death Marshall chose that moment to look with great intensity for something in his pine lunch box.

Frosty could see from here that Marcus wasn’t happy. Rolling away was probably a good idea. Or it might have been if a trio of Seamus’s little puppet friends hadn’t been waiting for him on the far side of the central workbenches. A Teddy, a Belle and Baby Kade surrounded him in an intimidating and unfriendly sort of way, eying the ‘cracker. They grabbed for the prize in a scuffle of stuffing and snow and great deal of little Kade’s not-at-all-little knife. The kid needed to be careful with that thing or he’d put someone’s eye out! Just as that thought went through Frosty’s head, so did the knife. The blade hit one of his flint-chip eyes in the process; striking a number of fat, yellow sparks as the eye skittered away. Sparks that landed on the ‘cracker. Sparks that landed right at the base of the ‘cracker’s fuse. Four battered puppets froze as the fuse smoked, then sputtered alight…

BANG!

Marcus almost fell off his workbench as the ‘cracker burst to short, sudden life. He watched as puppet parts were scattered over that side of the shack – adorable and grisly in equal measure. At least Frosty’s stupid hat was gone.

Hans the Moleman began scooping snow-that-had-recently-been-Frosty into a handy box before ducking back into his pile of debris near the workbenches. The ‘cracker hadn’t stopped all of Seamus’s friends and an overstuffed second Teddy was already waddling this way. Hans didn’t like the look of those teeth. Not one bit. Nor did Joss, especially when Teddy used them to devour Joss in a furious scuffle of axe-hands and mouth-teeth. As the stuffing settled to the planky floor, Marcus could see that Teddy had lost an arm. Joss had lost everything.

The Moleman shuddered in fear, trying to burrow deeper into his concealing detritus. Teddy had made short work of Joss and Hans was nowhere near as tough as Mr. Choppy-hands. In desperation, he began to pelt the stuffed animal with snowballs-that-had-recently-been-Frosty, hitting him repeatedly in the button-eyes and -nose. Marcus hopped off his bench to get a better view, Rosebud scraping along at his heels. Marcus thought the Moleman’s aim was shockingly good for such a near-sighted puppet. He ought to be able to hold off the Teddy at least a little while with those snowballs. Snowballs were a much better version of Frosty. A useful version. Not to mention hat-less. He glared needles at the Guild Marshall who brandished his pop-gun at Teddy, looking nervously over his shoulder at Marcus between gestures.

Zappa the Razorspine Rattler slithered mechanically over Joss’s remains, twining his body around the Incredibly Overcomplicated Power Storage Device. Parts of it seemed to glow more brightly as Zappa tried to haul it back toward Marcus. Zappa remembered that Marcus liked to play fetch.

The IOPSD was sparking and fizzing as bad as the ‘cracker now. Teddy had probably broken it along with Joss. Teddies were always hard on toys. Marcus urgently waved a flaming arm to shoo away the buzzing ‘Rattler and his unstable burden. Zappa didn’t seem to get the point, but he didn’t like flames any more than the next puppet and scuttled obligingly toward Seamus instead. Marcus shouted encouragement and Zappa sparked happily. He would fetch the IOPSD to Seamus. Seamus would play!

Seamus tried to duck behind a Punk Zombie, but Zappa was too fast and the ‘Rattler nearly slithered over the other puppet in an attempt to reach Seamus. The Punk’s huge switchblade snicked into place, but it was too late. Unstable at the best of times and badly jostled by Zappa’s spiky coils, the IOPSD exploded - nearly as loud as the 'cracker. Razor-sharp spines rattled off the planks as Joss’s device avenged its owner. Zappa, the Punk, and especially Seamus were reduced to a scattered mess of gears and snarls of spent thread.

Marcus smiled in satisfaction as Rosebud slid forward; set to snatch up the smoldering scraps of Seamus’s stupid, stupid hat. Come to think of it, Marcus did like to play fetch…

:happypuppet1

If this batrep seems really one-sided, you’re not imagining things. Partly because of my selective memory, partly because I’m unashamedly Marcus-biased, and partly because of the almost embarrassing way my deck did exactly what I wanted, whenever I wanted that game. Tauwolf had perfectly reasonable draws, but mine were almost invariably just a little better. And lots of the time, that’s all it takes.

Cheers,

Chris.

PS: stupid hat.

Edited by fullborer
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thanks everyone, that was a lot of fun to write. and thanks to Lalochezia for the contest and prize support.

I'm not sure where the anti-hat sentiment came in, but it definitely became a thing. i just ran (scampered) with it.

anyway, this was sufficient fun that I'm planning to make a few notes the next time around and see if I can make another of these. perhaps a more developed report for Adepticon...

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thanks everyone, that was a lot of fun to write. and thanks to Lalochezia for the contest and prize support.

I'm not sure where the anti-hat sentiment came in, but it definitely became a thing. i just ran (scampered) with it.

anyway, this was sufficient fun that I'm planning to make a few notes the next time around and see if I can make another of these. perhaps a more developed report for Adepticon...

That would be fantastic. :)

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