Hashmal

The first run of puppets from the plastic remake were available upstairs in the Paint 'n Take. They were comically oversized, so if you see pics of some super-huge puppets floating around, rest assured they're not that much bigger than the metal ones. Aside from bankruptcy or a scenario involving meteors, I can't think of why I wouldn't buy the starter set again. I make the plea now for a better box, though!

Jakob Lynch as Bender. Didn't see that one. Love it. These are fantastic. Keep 'em coming!

They're brutal once you get them rolling. However, a quick strike by the opponent can mess them up quickly, especially early on when you don't have many animated/only have one Workbench and your Master is sitting on it. Also, a cold Tomes hand limits their effectiveness - but, there are ways around that (sacrificing Animations to pick up cards, flagrant discarding, etc.). I'm not sure how well the Teddies would work as an army outside of Marcus. Unlike most suited AR cards, all the Teddies require Tomes to be nasty. It almost mandates that, if you have an off-suit in your list, that it be Tomes. Aside from this game, I have terrible streaks with Tomes. I'm also not willing to purchase multiples of the same model/card (so no 5 Rams Teddies), as I'm keeping this game strictly as a board game/mini crossover rather than encourage everyone to bring tailored lists. The duplicates I have are solely from the overlap in the boosters.

Fortunately, I've got it already written up. http://wyrd-games.net/forum/showthread.php?t=28288 I'm on a Teddy moratorium now, though...

I enjoyed this thoroughly! Awesome! Stupid hat.

By your powers combined… ~Captain Planet “TEDDIES!” Both Elza and Seamus groaned. “I hate Teddies,” Seamus said. “Positively no use for their stuffing.” “I like stabbing them,” Elza offered, “buuuuuut that’s about it.” Wren darted back over to her toy box and dove in. Fluff, buttons, thread, all went flying past Seamus and Elza. One needle buried itself in Seamus’ hat, which he removed from his head to examine, grumbling. “MMF EEM AAAB EBBEE, III AAAB OOO,” Wren said, face buried in puppet parts. “What?!” both Seamus and Elza replied. “I SAID,” Wren spoke as her head cleared the top of the box, “if he can have Teddies, I CAN TOO!” Seamus and Elza exchanged a glance. Elza gulped loudly, while Seamus toyed with his hat’s brim before putting it back on his head. “FOUND THEM!” squealed Wren. She emerged from the toy box holding two Teddies upside-down by the ankle. Just awoken, the Teddies groggily examined their surroundings, clacking their long, sharp teeth together. “I hate these things,” Elza whispered to Seamus. “They never stop smiling.” “Luv, when it comes to smiles,” Seamus responded, “especially the red kinds, I’m what you’d call an expert. Those things, though, they smile at you like you’re not there – like you’re just an appetizer, not even the main course.” “To them, that’s probably all we are,” said Elza. Both watched as Wren set the Teddies down, mostly on their heads. The Teddies rolled over, and as one turned to Wren, then to Seamus and Elza. Not a twitch in their faces. They just smiled. “Zoraida can bust in here any time and put a stop to this,” Seamus said, angling his head towards the door. Nothing came through it, however, except a slight draft from under the gap. Outside, a steady rain fell. No sign of the Hag. “Man can dream, can’t he?” Seamus said as he turned back to Elza. “Honey, if you’re dreaming of the Hag, I don’t want to see your nightmares,” Elza quipped. “Ha ha,” he said. The Teddies, accustomed with their surroundings, moved forward, towards the center of the floor. Wren, having gathered a few more puppets, brought them behind. Across the room, the lion’s forces had also mustered. Leading them were three Teddies. A flash of fire came from behind them, causing Seamus to look down into his bag. He withdrew the still-severed head of Lady Justice. “If she’s here,” he said, looking nervously at the line of stuffed animals opposite them, “who’s over there? From across the room, a roar sounded, half kitten, half wolverine, all puppet. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ I got a new toy in the mail. Well, five new toys, to be exact. Thanks to the magic of eBay, I managed to procure 5 Teddies from the Black Friday sale, which I would’ve bought from Wyrd had I known of Puppet Wars then (got into the game not 2 weeks later – terrible timing). I didn’t know much about how the Teddies played. I got the idea that they were sort of like a furry Voltron. Each piece bleeds character, though, so I was eager to try them out. Wren agreed to a game and we were off to the races. Game Size: Shoebox Map: 4 Hashmal’s Toybox Master: Marcus Sidekicks: Joss Pawns: Razorspine Rattler, Moleman, Ice Golem, December Acolyte, 3x Teddies (Tome, Mask, No Suit) Wren’s Toybox Master: Seamus Sidekicks: Rusty Alyce Pawns: Punk Zombie, Rotten Belle, Razorspine Rattler, Guild Hound, Ronin, 2x Teddies (Crow, Ram) Strategy With several games of Puppet Wars now behind me, I was starting to get a feel for how strategies could be overlapped, and also how important having an active Master could be. This knowledge in mind, I gravitated towards Marcus to lead my Teddy army of doom and made sure to load my forces with pieces that I thought powerful (Golem, Joss) or pieces that had straight-up annoyed me in the past (Rattler). With how Upgrade-reliant the Teddies are, I figured the Acolyte couldn’t hurt. Wren’s forces were picked owing to her familiarity with many of the pieces. A very good move. She also played piece denial in the draft, taking two Teddies from me – I would’ve taken all five, had I the option, and she knew it. This was also a change of pace for me. Tomes are my weakest suit in every game – I never seem to get them when I want them, or they crowd out all useful suits in my hand. Entirely superstition, but it did play a factor in me not attempting Marcus until now. Gameplay In the early rounds/turns, Wren and I focused on bringing our power pieces on early and establishing a dominant position, jockeying for workbenches. I sent Joss and the Ice Golem to the solo workbench on my left, which Wren responded to with Rusty Alyce and the Rattler. I spawned a couple of Teddies on the right flank and also had the Acolyte hang out over there. The Moleman hopped from terrain to terrain in the center of the board. My third Teddy stayed out for a bit (Mask Teddy). The Rattler animated earlier and was up with the Ice Golem and Joss. Wren kept her Guild Hound near Seamus, brought on her Punk Zombie to help with the center, and pushed the Rotten Belle and the Ronin towards the free workbench to her left (my right). I started the fight, as I usually do. The Ice Golem took a swipe at Rusty Alyce. Miss. Boo. I then realized his Ice Blaster ability is a free action! Score! I use that on Alyce for one Rip. The response was startling. Alyce animates and attacks the Golem. I Dodge, but not high enough (cards weren’t amazing). Then Wren reads me Alyce’s card, particularly the Disassemble rule. Phooey. There goes my Golem. I had clustered the Rattler and Joss adjacent to the Golem (wasn’t expecting him to die immediately), so they each took a Rip. Fortunately, so did Alyce, taking her down to one. I got clever here. Next round, I animated the Mask Teddy and brought him on. Wren responds by bringing the Ronin further down. I then animate Marcus and use Everyone Share! on the Mask Teddy, tearing it apart to heal Joss. My first heart patch is available. It starts to snowball out of control. Next Turn, Rusty Alyce Disassembles my Rattler, but Joss responds by dicing her to pieces and then swinging to the center. Her Rotten Belle and Ronin advance downwards after taking the workbench. The Punk Zombie puts a Rip back on Joss. My Tome Teddy attaches the Heart Patch and my suitless Teddy advances well forward, swinging at the Ronin. He misses. Wren finishes out the round by re-animating the Rotten Belle and tearing my suitless Teddy apart. I’m down on puppets, but I’ve planned for this. I finish out the round by Scrounging with the Teddy, attaching the suitless Heart Patch. My Control Hand for the next round is nothing short of obscene. I’ve got a hand size of 7 to Wren’s 6 (my Moleman took the middle bench somewhere in there). Five of my cards are Tomes, with one of those five the Ace of Tomes. I animate the Teddy. It’s lunch time. My Teddy attaches the Box of Snow from the Ice Golem and advances. He uses Swallow Whole on the Ronin and, just like that, she’s gone! He finishes his Sprint move next to Wren’s newly-acquired workbench. Stunned, Wren responds with the Punk Zombie, trying to land a hit on Joss. I Dodge high, and she misses. Joss animates, moves one space to her Red Teddy, and tears him apart. Her Rotten Belle advances downwards to play with my December Acolyte, who’s been left in the dust by the psychotic Teddy. The next round was the breaking point for Wren. I suffer a Rip and re-animate the Teddy, attaching the Red Heart Patch from her workbench, then moving to the Punk Zombie. Gulp. Didn’t know the undead could taste so good. Two cards gone and the Teddy is not Exhausted. Yiiiiiikes. Wren’s on the ropes at this point. She animates Seamus and advances him to Pop Gun the Teddy, which does Exhaust him. I’m out of Tomes at this point, so there’s no more Swallow Whole. However, there is Joss, who’s still sitting on one Rip and is Powerful +1 as a result. He moves up, Wren doesn’t have good cards, and he lands a hit. I reanimate him, taking the Rip, and finish Seamus off the next Round. She dodged with the Red Joker, but unfortunately I was sitting on it too. Lessons Learned The Teddies are awful. They’re the quintessential snowball rolling downhill – unimpressive to start (Cb 2, 1 Stitch, 10 Df), but once they get going, there’s little to stop them. A strong Tomes hand can take troublesome pieces out of the fight, and my ability to both Sprint and Refresh with the Teddy was disgusting. The key to killing them is to take them out early and challenge your opponent’s workbenches. Never give them the opportunity to ‘roid up. Alternatively, throw something with more Upgrades than them at them. This is hard later if they’ve gone Heart Patch crazy, but early-to-mid game, they’re looking at one Upgrade, likely. Marcus makes an all-Teddy army viable, since he can also ignore suits in Stuffed Animal Animation Requirements (cost: 1 card). I forgot about this ability the entire game, but it never mattered much. Wren plays a very defensive game and relies on Dodge cards. The Teddies flummoxed her because they never gave her the opportunity to Dodge. Her cards weren’t great, but the inability to counter such a powerful Action is rough on a newer player. For those at home, I recommend not using puppets against players new to miniatures games that can outright Tear Apart another puppet. This lesson continues in the next game. Next Time Hashmal is banned from using his Teddy blitzkrieg. Wren picks a new Master. These cats continue to try and crash our game (Link is grey, Zelda is black): ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ”’snot fair,” Wren pouted, lower lip outstretched. “Fair nothing,” Elza said, picking stuffing out of her hair. “I just had to carve my way out of a giant Teddy’s stomach. Don’t really want to hear about ‘fair,’ given the circumstances.” “He’s just so much better at this than me. He’s played these games for years!” Elza still had no idea what Wren meant by “games.” Sure, the fighting sort of resembled a pastime, and yes, they were all puppets, but this was life and death! Well, rather life, dismemberment, stitching, and embroidery. Actually, as she thought about it, this didn’t really hurt. She’d “died” plenty of times, yet here she was, sword in hand, Teddy fluff in hair. She looked over to where Joss was shoveling parts of Seamus into another Teddy’s open mouth. Grim? Absolutely. Darkly amusing? Well, there was that too. Yet, she felt no sympathy for him, no horror over what he’d suffered. She just knew that he’d be back. Soon, too. Clonk. Clonk. CLONK. Out of the corner of her eye, Elza spotted another puppet approaching Wren. Looked like a jack-in-the-box. Wait. Box? Uh oh. “Perhaps you need a change, dear,” a small, yet confident voice said. “I think I can help.” Elza groaned. Today was just not her day.

Super useful! The only criticism I have about it is the complete absence of placing Animation Cards in your hand, which is something I really like about this game. Tomorrow's report should be fun. I have five furry friends that arrived in the mail last week...

I never did find that duck. ~Hashmal to Emperor Fabulous, the next morning. This isn't right, Elza thought, not for the first time that day. Six hours after they’d crawled out of Zoraida’s shoebox, the puppets were still getting used to their surroundings. Well, their legs. See, when you’re just a shard of the consciousness of a fully-realized person, place, plant, or thing, it’s a hard lot to go from what passes for legs and appendages to stumps – especially when the stumps are made out of cork. Have you ever replaced your legs with cork? Balancing is not easy and you look at ants in an entirely new way. Still, it wasn’t all bad. Elza had never been one to enjoy the company of others. Beauty of being a Ronin was you only had to put up with people insofar as they paid you to. In her re-learning to walk and repeatedly stabbing curious insect life, Elza had attracted the attention of a couple of other puppets. Yeah, they ambled about aimlessly, but they didn’t speak. The irony tickled the back of her head – here they were, a lovely Rotten Belle and her Punk Zombie guardian, not even aware enough to realize they’re not actually dead! The things you do out of habit… She’d also attracted the attention of a cute Razorspine Rattler, who would just not leave her alone. It had an insufferable love for hugs. Shame that its hugs were so pointy. Like hugging a jellyfish swallowing a sword set. She’d already named him Bobby. All this delightful musing and cork-delayed balancing was interrupted at the sound of an unceremonious thwoop. A foot back from Elza lay a puppet with tousled brown yarn for hair, face down on the floor. Elza looked up. Nothing. Where had this new one come from? The small figure crawled up from the floor and dusted its face off. Her face. She removed a small wire frame which covered two brown button eyes, looking to clean glasses that weren’t there. Puzzled, the small puppet put the “glasses” back on, then turned to face Elza. “Hi!” she said, waving. “…Hi…” replied Elza. The little puppet said nothing, just beamed up at Elza, smiling, a twinkle of innocent delight flashing off her button eyes. “Who are you? Candy?!” “Candy? Love some! I’m Wren! Pleased ta meetcha.” Wren rose up to Elza’s height and extended a stuffing-filled hand. Wait. Rose? Elza looked down. Wren had no legs beneath her tattered black dress, no feet on the floor. She just hovered at eye level, beaming at Elza with a small hand outstretched. Well, that’s got to be easier, Elza thought with more than a little jealousy as she took Wren’s hand in a half-hearted shake. “What are you doing here? How did you get here?” “My friend and I thought this looked like the coolest game, so we came to play.” Wren did a loop-de-loop in mid-air and giggled. “This place is NEAT!” “Coolest? Game?” Elza responded, no idea what made the game so cold, or what game this little thing was even talking about. “Yeah!” Wren said. “I picked you guys because I thought you were super neat! Also, I like her dress.” Wren pointed to the Rotten Belle, who dribbled stuffing and stared vacantly at the small puppet. Wait. Back up. Friend? Elza had heard the whispers around campfires a long way from Malifaux city; heard the stories from the beer-soaked taverns her human part frequented looking for work. This little girl was the right size. Hard to discern age, what with her being stuffed and all, but she had a youthful energy and a bright, shining gaze. She could know him. The little boy. The thing that made even grown men cry and refuse to sleep at night. The Dreamer. “Wren,” Elza began, “who’s your friend?” “Oh, he’ll be along any minute. He liked those over there.” She pointed and Elza saw a small group of puppets, the same number as her group minus Wren, focused around the Judge who was busy wrestling a Silurid intent on licking his face. “Your friend,” Elza continued, “does he have… a friend? Like a big friend? One only he can see?” She swallowed, which is pretty impressive considering her mouth was nothing but cotton. “Like the Dreamer? Nah, I wish! He’s not out yet. I totally would have played with him.” Elza whooshed a sigh of relief. Not the Dreamer. Wait. Not out yet? She liked it better when the Rotten Belle was the only one making noise. Thwoop. Out of midair, a small puppet landed across the room. This one looked like a tiny lion in a purple toga. Or a dress. Hard to tell at this distance. He raised himself up, grinned with a row of needled teeth, then pointed at Wren. “Oh, it’s SO on,” she yelled at him in response. “What’s ‘on’?” Elza asked. Her legs felt weird. “We’re on!” Wren said. “He thinks he’s so much better at this game than me, but we’re going to show him.” “We’re not showing him…” Elza was about to finish with “anything,” but her sentence was interrupted as she whirled around to face the lion and his group of puppets, already forming a line. Behind her, Elza could feel the Zombie and the Belle standing close. The Rattler was cuddled around Wren. “Oh yes. We are,” Wren said. “See, you’re my puppets now. You’re going to shut that grinning lion up for me. You’re going to tear apart his toys.” Her brown buttons slitted tight, her face sporting a maniacal grin. This isn’t right. Elza thought, drawing her sword as Wren’s unspoken impulse pushed her forward. Could be worse, though. At least she’d get to stab something. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Greetings! So, after my last Battle Report, Wren decided she wanted to jump in and play. After the numerous rules gaffes and the incredibly long time it took Emperor Fabulous and myself to learn the game, we both agreed that the best course of action would be to play the intro games out of the Pattern Book. This was an excellent test run for the tutorials Wyrd provides in their main game, as Wren had never played any sort of miniature game before, and only sported some board game experience. I’ll spoil the ending on that one: kudos, Wyrd. She picked the game up lightning fast and developed her own playstyle and strategy over the course of the four introductory fights. The tutorials are highly effective and I recommend them before jumping into Puppet Wars. What follows are four short(er) battle reports about how Wren and I learned to play Puppet Wars over two nights. Game 1: The Basics Hashmal’s Toybox Puppets: Silurid, Convict Gunslinger, Death Marshal, Judge Wren’s Toybox Puppets: Punk Zombie, Ronin, Rotten Belle, Razorspine Rattler Strategy Still at the basic level, here. Since this was the first tutorial game, we didn’t care about suits in animation costs, so our forces synergized just fine, with a few pieces at low numbers and a few at higher numbers. However, this game size is very vulnerable to player running afoul of a spate of drawing 3s on Animation after playing cards from their hand earlier in the Turn. Teaches resource management that way, albeit in a kind of boring fashion when neither player can animate. General strategy on both sides: use our pre-selected puppets to beat face. Gameplay No blow-by-blow here, as Game 1 is a very facile system and is pretty hard to write up into an engaging tit for tat. We threw our puppets at each other like monkeys throw… bananas. Yeah, let’s go with that. Ignoring Actions and Abilities kept this a simple game. Wren spread her forces out, which allowed me to single them down with my high Cb puppets. I ended up winning as I started up on piece trading, which Wren couldn’t really recover from in this format. Lessons Learned My forces have great Cb, balanced out by Wren’s higher number of Stitches. Wren learned a bit about positioning and not charging puppets in piecemeal. Overall, we got a great feel for the principal components of the game. Wren learned a little bit about Dodging – she builds on this foundation later. I learned very little and was worried my experience would be a factor in turning her off to the game in the following rounds. Boy, was I wrong. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ”MEANIE!” Wren shouted as she waved her hands, stitching her puppets back together while floating above the floor, recently battlefield. Elza groaned as soon as her head was reattached. Across the floor, the lion grinned, flexing his four arms in victory. “What the hell was that?!” Elza shouted at Wren. “You take control of us and just launch us forward? We got demolished! That HURT!” “He cheated!” Wren replied. “Cheater cheater cheater!” She stuck out a small, pink cotton tongue in the lion’s direction. “Don’t worry, though. I’m not done yet. This time’ll be better.” “Oh no. I’m out. No more, kid.” Elza turned to leave, took a step, and lost a leg. She fell face-down into a small patch of dust. Wren floated above her, menacing eyes boring into the back of Elza’s head. “You’re done when I say you’re done,” Wren said. She waved her arms and Elza rolled over as her leg reattached itself with a satisfying plonk. With another wave, Elza was again standing, facing the lion’s rebuilt forces. The Judge drew a long, slender pin and pointed it straight at Elza’s head. She thought she could feel him smile behind that tattered rag on his face. “Besides, don’t you want to see what happens next?” Wren asked, wiggling her padded hands. Elza’s legs twitched and jittered. Deep in the pit of her stuffing-filled stomach, she felt as if a hundred fireflies were released at once, all glowing and bouncing around. She felt light. She felt quick. She felt good. “All right, kid,” Elza said, picking her sword back up from where the Judge had disarmed her (literally), “let’s see what you’ve got.” ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Game 2: Actions and Abilities Hashmal’s Toybox Puppets: Silurid, Convict Gunslinger, Death Marshal, Judge Wren’s Toybox Puppets: Punk Zombie, Ronin, Rotten Belle, Razorspine Rattler Strategy I wasn’t feeling amazing after my last victory. Wren was worried that she wasn’t going to be able to beat me, and I frankly shared that fear. Fortunately, this game allowed us to use our puppets’ special abilities and actions. While the object of the game was still KILL EVERYTHING RAAAAAWR, our methods for delivering puppet-induced carnage had expanded. I reassured her that these increased options were what the game was truly about. My strategy was pretty simple: in the first game, I’d quickly realized my puppets had decent Cb scores, but fewer Stitches than hers. With the ability to now use attacks at Rg 2, I was determined to keep my Gunslinger and my Marshal together, to focus down annoying things as they popped forward. The Judge’s Pins and Needles ability, too, was obscenely powerful and, I thought, would go a long way to evening the Stitch disparity. Wren had a plan, too. I didn’t realize what it was immediately, since it relied entirely on her Control Hand. Note: Wyrd made one oversight in the Tutorial games. The ability to place an Animation Card into your hand is never discussed nor broached. As this is a powerful and important part of the game, Wren and I both agreed to use this rule from here on out. Gameplay I begin the game with an opening salvo from my Convict Gunslinger into the Rotten Belle. Wren denies the Rip with a Crow card. Hm. That was annoying. She moves the Rotten Belle forward, freeing up space, and takes a swing at the Gunslinger. Miss. I animate the Death Marshal, move back, and again unload on the Rotten Belle. She doesn’t Dodge. One Rip is dealt, which she again ignores with a Crow. HM. The Ronin animates, moves through the clearing opened by the Rotten Belle. I get a good Animation Card and go for the Judge. Unfortunately for Wren, I have a great hand for Pins and Needles. I move forward and blast the Ronin with two attacks. Wren can’t Dodge high enough for either and the Ronin is Torn Apart. Though she’s initially irritated, I casually point out the Razorspine Rattler’s Tazer ability. The Judge never moved again. She animated the Punk Zombie next and sought out my Silurid, who I never did animate owing to two bad cards. I’d blown everything I had, so I watched as the Zombie hit once, then re-Animated (one Rip!) and splattered the little guy everywhere. Next turn rolls around. Wren picks up an entirely new hand. As the round begins, she initially animates the Rattler and Paralyzes the Judge (perfect flip on the Action. Ugh). I animate my Death Marshal and decide to wail on the Punk Zombie. She begins what will prove to be an annoying chain of amazing Dodge cards. For the remainder of the game, Wren’s turns look like this: Animate Rattler, Paralyze Judge. At some point animate Punk Zombie/Rotten Belle. Hold Animation Cards two or three Rounds. Repeat. Through this simple strategy, she amasses a frankly obscene hand which she uses entirely for Dodging or defense in general. Every time I attack the Punk Zombie, a high card or an Ace flies. The Aces, in particular, take me out of the game. Every time I cause a Rip on her Belle, she just shoots off a Crow and it’s like nothing happened. There was a Red Joker in there somewhere, too. Though I was initially up a piece, she keeps my heavy hitter locked down the entire game. Her Punk Zombie starts cleaving through my pieces, first upending the Gunslinger while the Belle scores a successful Rip on the Death Marshal, Confusing him before he animates that turn. The Punk Zombie then turns and flips my Death Marshal. Both plod across the board to the Judge, who can only sit and watch as these two defensive juggernauts tear him limb from limb. Wren wins the game with staggeringly excellent defensive play. Lessons Learned I blew everything early on offense that didn’t matter, then Wren turned around, drew the good cards she needed, and dismantled me. It sounds like I’m blaming ish cards on my part and good ones on hers, but it was far more than that: I animated whenever I could, where Wren was perfectly content to sacrifice even an entire turn to just keep placing Dodge cards in her hand. With no other victory condition present besides KILL EVERYTHING RAAAWR, this turtling strategy was extremely effective. She built up a wall of cards and I obligingly ran head-first into it. We both realized how amazing Aces are for Dodging, a strategy she continues to employ against me. This game took longer than I let on – my offense just never amounted to much with the Judge locked down and me deciding that attacking while holding 10s and 11s was sufficient (it wasn’t). I played bloodthirsty, she played patient, and I got spanked as a result. Things were a bit different the next game, though. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ “Was it really necessary to run me in like that?” Elza asked, screwing her head back into position. “Nah, but it was fun!” Wren replied, still riding high on her dominant victory over the lion’s puppets. Elza didn’t much like being dismantled as readily as she had been, but she took a particularly sadistic delight in watching the Judge stand there as Lonely Eyes the Rotten Belle and AAAAA the Punk Zombie took their time, slicing him apart piece by piece. Head securely in place, she sighed. “Well, kid,” she said, “maybe I underestimated you.” “It’s okay,” said Wren, “you’re still my favorite. Just don’t tell the others! Oh! Who’s the red-haired one?” Elza peered across the tattered floor, littered with bits of stuffing and spare thread. A new puppet had joined the lion’s forces and was helping him piece the Judge back together, no simple process. The red-haired one turned to Wren. Even with the puppet’s eyes covered by a dirty cloth, Elza could feel the hostility projected right at Wren. This puppet was angry. “THAT,” a suave, nonchalant voice pipped up behind Elza and Wren, “is a most ornery individual. Goes by the name Lady Justice. I prefer Lady J, or once I’m done with her, Dog Meat.” Wren spun around and clapped with glee. Behind them stood a tall (for a puppet) figure, dressed in a patchwork suit, coiffed with a tall top hat. “Seamus,” Elza said, her voice falling flat. He swept the hat off his head in a mocking bow. “At your service!” Lonely Eyes and AAAAA stumbled forward, drawn by the sound of the mini-Resurrectionist’s voice. Elza turned to Wren. “Don’t trust this one,” she said. “He’s trouble. There isn’t a good bone in his body.” Wren didn’t even consider what Elza said. “I hope not,” she replied, snatching Seamus’ hat out of his hand and putting it on her head. “I don’t want him to be good. I want him to win.” Seamus turned to Wren, each of them smiling wickedly at the other before facing back to the opposite side of the room, each returning Lady J’s sightless stare and the lion’s twisted smile. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Game 3: Masters Hashmal’s Toybox Master: Lady Justice Puppets: Silurid, Convict Gunslinger, Death Marshal, Judge Wren’s Toybox Master: Seamus Puppets: Punk Zombie, Ronin, Rotten Belle, Razorspine Rattler Strategy Though given the option to switch, Wren elected to stick with the puppets she’d been controlling to this point. We were both ignoring Master rules (Lady J’s A Really Sharp Sword and Seamus’ Lovely Belles), which kind of left me at a bit of a disadvantage as one of Lady J’ Actions required the use of A Really Sharp Sword. However, the positioning of the puppets left Seamus at greater risk of early damage. It worked itself out. I again banked on my previous wargaming experience, especially as I was well-versed in kill-the-Master style games from playing Warmachine. I also banked on the introduction of Blocking to save Lady J from damage. Gameplay Wren animated first, bringing her Rotten Belle down to take a swing on my Death Marshal. That pesky Cb 1 played against her, though, and she missed. Over the course of the first turn, I moved everyone I could over to the Judge’s side of the board. I was orchestrating a flank crash. Wren, who was still figuring out the importance of having a Master, didn’t catch it quick enough. She did move Seamus back and the Rattler forward, angling to Paralyze the Judge next turn. On my last Animation Round, I took advantage of the exposed Rattler, moved the Judge to block a passageway, and used Pins and Needles on him, dealing two quick Rips while Wren was still building her defensive hand (her initial draws hadn’t been amazing). This also ensured she couldn’t double-Animate him and lock down two of my pieces for a turn. The wheels fell off her bus the next turn. We tied on the animation total, I won the high card flip, and animated my Death Marshal, who shot the Rattler. She Dodged high, but lacking an Ace I was able to play from my hand to beat her card, killing the Rattler. My Judge was now free and I began amassing Rams and Masks to continue my Pins and Needles barrages. Her Punk Zombie again splattered my Silurid everywhere, but with him off-suit for Animation Requirements (which now mattered!), I didn’t care that he died. It hung up her heaviest hitter. The Ronin swung at the Judge and did a Rip, but was otherwise out of the fight since I was blocking a passageway between two Impassable Terrain markers. What she wasn’t doing was moving Seamus. I built my hand carefully. Next turn rolls around, I again build my hand carefully until the middle of the turn, when I Animate Lady J and juice up the Judge (Elite Combat Training). Not really recognizing what Powerful +1 means, she didn’t respond. I then Animated the Judge and advanced within Pins & Needles range. I flip a Mask on the Action, play a Ram, and we’re off to the races. Anticipating her Dodge cards, which weren’t as stellar as last time given she hadn’t drawn as many cards, I had a rough offensive hand that consisted of pretty much nothing but Rams and a Mask, with an Ace or two thrown in there. One attack is successfully Dodged, but one isn’t. Seamus eats two Rips. Last animation round rolls around, I re-Animate the Judge and do Pins & Needles AGAIN. My onslaught of cards is just too much for her – I’m flipping 6 for an attack. I nail Seamus with the first one and put the game to bed. Lessons Learned Even lacking two of her primary abilities, Lady J’s Elite Combat Training is an incredibly powerful ability, although expensive. What’s worse, it’s a Free Action, so in later games you can discard your Animation Card in order to perform it. Yikes. This was a learning game largely for Wren. She still wasn’t used to playing with a Master and, having had no experience with this game format prior to these rounds, did not do the necessary things to protect him. What isn’t mentioned is that this was actually the second Masters game we played – the first one ended almost immediately when I drew an amazing hand, her a terrible hand, and in two rounds I killed Seamus because she moved him forward. One round for Lady J to ‘roid up the Judge, and one round for the Judge to annihilate Seamus with Pins & Needles. Her best card to dodge with was a 5 of Masks – it was that bad a hand. This format can be challenging. With all the puppets starting out of the Toy Box, it’s pretty easy to crash one side of the board and flood your opponent, particularly if they’re not trying to do the same thing. This changed the next game. After the game, she and I discussed protecting the Master and how important it is to not just throw them in there willy-nilly. We also talked about Scary Face, an ability she didn’t use this game, and her Pop-Gun Action. The strategy talks helped. The following (and final) game in this series was a much different story. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ “Little miss,” Seamus said, coolly adjusting his top hat on his freshly stitched head, “would you mind terribly explaining what just happened there?” “I…” Wren looked sideways, wringing her hands behind her back. She’s nervous, Elza realized. She’s actually nervous of Seamus. She’s a puppet, just like us. “Not just like you,” Wren whispered, eyes closing. “What…?” Elza responded just as the door to the hut flew open. Against a foggy day creeping in through the opened doorway, Zoraida’s silhouette stood, her hunched form casting a long shadow over the puppets in various stages of disrepair. “My poppins,” she said, “what ever have you been up to?” She took a step into the hut and halted, her eyes fixed upon Wren and the lion. “You’re new,” she said. “Don’t know your kind this side of the breach.” She took another step. “Maybe needs to find out just where you’re from, just what you’re doing with my poppins.” Another step. “NO!” both Wren and the lion shouted in unison. Zoraida froze, then in one fluid motion ran backwards outside. The door slammed shut behind her. No, wait, Elza realized. She didn’t run. She was flung. The door shuddered as Zoraida pounded from the outside. “POPPINS!” she roared. “Go away!” Wren shouted back, again waving her arms in a quick motion. “We’re not done here! Come back later!” The racket stopped. From outside, silence. “That’s better!” Wren said, suddenly beaming again, her confidence fully restored. “That,” Elza said, jaw slack, “was different.” Wren whirled onto Seamus. “NOW,” she continued, “what do you think I should do?” Face to face with Wren, her tiny puppet form exuding palpable energy, Seamus merely swallowed hard and cocked his hat. “What we’re gonna need here, little miss,” he said, “are a few more tools o’ the trade.” Backing slowly away from Wren, he then turned and scrambled to a box full of puppets. He dove in. Seconds later, a shrill screech resounded through the hut. Seamus re-emerged holding a pigeon in his hands, still dripping stuffing from where he’d unceremoniously ripped it off of a dormant Austringer. “Cute!” Wren exclaimed, clapping her hands. Seamus, enrapt in concentration, skittered over to a shelf and began pulling a variety of tools off. Needles, thread, small thimbles upon which to work, and patches of cloth and stuffing. Across the room, Elza spotted the Judge brandishing a pair of wings to the lion, who nodded approvingly. Behind the Judge, stuffing seeped from the desiccated form of a tiny Malifaux Cherub, who twitched in diminutive puppet pain. Her stuffing lurched. She turned back to Wren and Seamus, once again best of friends, as they sat around a thimble and plotted. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Game 4: Upgrades and Work Benches Hashmal’s Toybox Master: Lady Justice Puppets: Silurid, Convict Gunslinger, Death Marshal, Judge Upgrades: Executioner, Malifaux Cherub Wren’s Toybox Master: Seamus Puppets: Punk Zombie, Ronin, Rotten Belle, Razorspine Rattler Upgrades: Rusty Alyce, Guild Austringer Strategy As they say, this is where it gets real. This is the penultimate round prior to playing a full-on game of Puppet Wars, something Wren and I did at a later date (and covered in a separate battle report). Flooding wasn’t going to be as easy this time. We each had to animate our pieces and bring them on. My strategy was pretty simple. Bring on the Judge ASAP and attach the Executioner’s Glowy Claws. One thing I’ve learned about buffs: always exaggerate an existing bonus. It’s better to make a good piece great 9 times out of 10 than it is to make an okay piece good. Wren’s strategy was similar: however, she valued both upgrades, a choice that would haunt me as the game progressed. She also wasn’t looking to her combat powerhouses (necessarily). Gameplay Wren started off animating Seamus and moving him back. An odd choice, I thought. I brought on the Judge. The next two Animation Rounds validated her choice, though: she animated the Punk Zombie and, before moving off the Workbench, Scrounged for an upgrade. She went for Rusty Alyce’s Tattered Skirt, and a good flip on the Scrounge gave it to the Punk Zombie. A Punk Zombie Animating on a 3+ of any suit. That ain’t good. Her second of those two rounds I referenced saw her bring on the Rotten Belle and do the same thing with That Darn Pigeon. Meanwhile, I’d moved Lady J off the workbench and brought on my Gunslinger. The turn ended with us bringing on a couple more pieces: she brought on the Ronin and the Rattler, while I kept one Animation Card and brought on my Death Marshal. Next turn, battle was joined! While I thought I had a good hand, I realized I just had a need for more Rams than I could possibly carry. Seamus activates first and Scary Faces the Punk Zombie. I get the Judge rolling and attach Glowy Claws to him, though I’m forced to pay out of my hand. Judge advances. Punk Zombie goes next and is able to get into melee with the Judge. Wren attacks, I Dodge, but not high enough: the Judge suffers a Rip. Annoying! Then, it gets bad. I move up my Gunslinger to shoot at the Zombie. However, Scary Face + Tattered Skirt = surprisingly effective defense. She Dodges with an 11 of Masks and I suddenly need a 12 Mask Crow to hit. Doesn’t happen (I’m camped on a bunch of Rams in anticipation of later turns). The Rotten Belle comes up and begins her campaign of terror. At Cb 2, she’s suddenly not bad at attacking. Further, I can’t Dodge her attacks now! My Gunslinger suffers a Rip. I move my Death Marshal up to attack the Belle and succeed, but she drops a Crow and my Rip is ignored. Frustrating! She advances the Ronin up and swings on the Death Marshal, but misses (I Dodge high). We both draw a card to round out the turn. Next turn, she animates Seamus first and Scary Faces him. However, she leaves him within striking distance of the Judge, who’s sitting on Powerful +1. I have the hand for it, so I advance and use Pins & Needles. Succeeding, I make my two attacks. The first one gets through her high-ish Dodge, causing 2 Rips on Seamus. The second one, however, she Dodges with the an Ace of Tomes, which turns into a 12 Double Tome Crow. I had two cards in my hand at this point, neither of which were a Tome. Well then. Miss. Then, the Punk Zombie animates. Wren reads me the rule for Powerful Rot. Uh oh. Punk Zombie targets the Judge, uses Powerful Rot, takes the Rip, and Tears apart the Judge. I’m now down my heaviest hitter and my free upgrade. What’s more, she then blocks the passage to Seamus with the Punk Zombie. I’d just wandered conveniently into a trap. I complimented her on a very bold play, and moved onwards. Unfortunately, not upwards. I continued to flail ineffectively at her Rotten Belle while the Ronin finished off my Gunslinger. She wasn’t drawing the cards for the Razorspine Rattler, so that much was a blessing. I managed to get my Silurid on the board, who struck out at the Punk Zombie and made him take his second Rip. Turn passes and Seamus (once again) animates first, putting Scary Face on the Punk Zombie. Jeez. Unfortunately, the Silurid is right between the Punk Zombie and the Rotten Belle and gets eaten in the following two animations (can’t do anything about it). The Death Marshal starts messing with the Ronin, dealing a Rip. Lady J joins the fray and puts the Punk Zombie in the ground, then sets her sights on the Rattler. HOORAY! We’re both drawing and playing cards like fiends, so we burn through our decks in a hurry, reshuffling. The Rattler goes down to Lady J's combat powerhouse-ness and an errant shot from the Death Marshal, somewhere in there. I kind of lost track of him. I never recover from losing the Judge to that trap. My Death Marshal successfully eliminates the Ronin, which forces Seamus to join the fray. In retribution, however, the Rotten Belle rips the Death Marshal apart. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s Seamus and a Rotten Belle versus Lady J. It’s not looking good. I animate Lady J and attack the Rotten Belle, also setting up future position for Seamus. I score a Rip. Yay! Unfortunately, I can’t Dodge the Rotten Belle, who scores one back. Turn rolls around, Seamus Scary Faces up, I advance Lady J and take another swing at the Belle. Miss. Boo. The Belle swings back and connects. One Rip to go. Not good. We both cycle out our Turn. It was at this point that I realized I’d already lost the game, as Lady J was suffering a Rip at the end of each turn she didn’t have a puppet in play. We decided to play it out anyway, but I officially declared Wren the winner. Seamus animates first, Scary Face. Lady J goes and Seamus is in range. It’s time. Elite Combat Training. Success. Lady J advances. She swings at Seamus. Wren throws a Red Joker, which she’d been holding most of the game. I don’t draw the Red Joker. Seamus lives! He then animates and finishes off a very dejected Lady J. Game: Wren. Lessons Learned Wow. What happened to me? Wren’s powerful defensive game paid off for her again, this time coupled with active use of Seamus’ Scary Face Action. I struggled to do damage to her pieces and foolishly gave her my most powerful model. True, I did some damage to Seamus, but it proved to be the only damage I could ever land. She assessed the odds correctly: with only one card going in to that last attack (played to Animate Judge, played to use Pins & Needles, played to hit on the first attack), she dodged with a card she knew would require me to have either the exact card she’d played or to use 3 cards to match her suits, which I couldn’t. Further, she dodged with a suit she deemed unlikely I’d have. She was right: I have no use for Tomes given these puppets. Was it a risk? Yes. It was acceptable, though, and it certainly took me out. This game taught us both the careful balance of animating Masters, relying too heavily on certain abilities (between Elite Combat Training and Pins & Needles, I’m jockeying for 4 of my 5 cards, which leaves nothing for offense or defense), and how nasty Seamus can be for a defensive-minded, patient player. All in all, it was superbly played on her part. Though I made a mistake with my Judge, it was definitely an acceptable risk, given what I knew about the board and her hand at the time. Had I succeeded, the game was mine. Next Time We’re 2-2 now. Whatsoever could happen next? Tune in tomorrow for another exciting report! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ”Y’know, I can’t hear you,” Wren said through a mound of stuffing. She was buried face-deep in a toy box, rooting through a variety of puppets gone by, searching through odds and ends. “I said,” Elza replied, “what are you doing?” Wren popped out of the toy box, batting stuffing from her yarn hair. “Seamus was right,” she said. “Those parts, that was a great idea! I was looking for more to use next time. He still hasn’t learned his lesson!” She pointed across the room at the lion, who was also rooting around in a toy box. Elza made a face. “Bit grim, don’t you think?” “Nonsense!” Seamus piped up, walking uncomfortably close behind Elza. “Nothing grim about the little miss doin’ what she has to! ‘swhat winning’s all about, after all.” He grinned at Elza and tossed the recently-separated head of Lady Justice in one hand. “It’s interestin’, though,” he continued, turning to Wren. She cocked an eyebrow and stared at him. “By now, doesn’t yon lion over there usually stitch this one here back up? I’ve been juggling this blasted thing for ten minutes! Not that I’d ever get sick of that,” he said, looking longingly over the face. “She’s got such… pretty… stitches.” Wren gasped, squealed, and pointed to the lion, who’d emerged from the toy box. Seamus and Elza both looked. The lion was gesticulating wildly and chatting with the indistinct shapes he’d pulled from the box. As one, they all turned to Wren. They smiled. Rows and rows of glittering, sharp teeth, with the lion’s sharpest of all. “Oh. My. God,” said Wren. Oh no. thought Seamus and Elza at the exact moment Wren let out another squeal. “TEDDIES!

I realized that after writing this report. Won't make that mistake again! Speaking of writing, my second report is up. That took this afternoon, but I think I've settled on a style I like. MOAR FICTION!

“Therefore, since brevity is the soul of wit, And tediousness the limbs and outward flourishes, I will be brief…” What follows is neither short, nor funny. ~Richard Armour, Twisted Tales from Shakespeare Greetings to the Wyrd community! The following and anteceding battle reports will describe a fantastically fun journey of three people learning how to play Puppet Wars. Before any story begins, it’s always a great idea to meet the characters. Without further ado: Hashmal: The Narrator and yours truly for this little escapade. Wargaming experience: 12 years, 3 different game systems. W/D/L ratio: Seamus couldn’t even resurrect it. Emperor Fabulous (Emperor for short): Proto-gamer and relative. Wargaming experience: 1 game of Warmachine 2 weeks ago. Rumored to be a Greek god of old. Wren, Bringer of Cute: A young woman who delights in foiling the plans of other players. Wargaming experience: not a bit. Adaptability: like a cat MacGyver and you just put tuna on the top of the fridge with nothing but string and duct tape in reach. Link: A 9 month-old kitten, very lovable but extremely stupid. Favorite pastimes: sleeping, chasing his sister, staring vacantly at a wall while ~3” from it. Zelda: A 9 month-old kitten, sister to Link. Slightly smarter and much more devious. Favorite pastimes: attacking my feet while I’m sleeping, failing to clean herself, flipping out at imaginary mice, purring. ADDITIONAL PLAYERS TO BE ANNOUNCED AS THEY ARRIVE ~stage mgr. And we’re off! Game 1: Hashmal vs. Emperor Fabulous A little sibling rivalry never hurt anyone, and neither did a friendly game of puppet-induced slaughter. Well, maybe the slaughter hurt. They certainly tried, at any rate. With this in mind, it was a quiet evening when Hashmal and Emperor Fabulous threw down for what was the first game of Puppet Wars played, following Hashmal’s compulsive purchase of the board game and every single booster available. Buy-in costs: severe. Gratification: high. Knowing little and less about Malifaux, aside from there are a few things that are ripped straight from his nightmares, Hashmal elects to field the creepiest Master he can find: Pandora. Emperor Fabulous, showing a penchant for Victorian fashion and mass-murderers, selects Seamus. Both players digested the rules and a few beers each. Then, it was time for the throwdown! Who would emerge victorious? Pandora, with her cute box of doom and no-you-don’t-get-to-play abilities, or Seamus and his annoying tendency to never die? As much as I’d love to give a play-by-play of this game, time, lack of sleep (game finished at 4:30 AM), and beer have all dulled the exact turns of the game. Fortunately, I’ve got a great mind for gist. The highlight of this game was our complete inability to play by the rules, or really to comprehend them clearly. We did very well for our first game, but several key errors were committed – oddly, most by me, the most litigious of rules lawyers and the one with the most gaming experience (by a ton). Reading rules is half the battle; being cogent enough to understand them wins the rest. I claim not-drunk on this charge, merely stupid. Game Size: Shoebox Map: 2 Hashmal’s Toybox Master: Pandora Sidekicks: Bete Noire, Baby Kade Pawns: Malifaux Cherub, Silurid, Guild Austringer, Hog Whisperer, Piglet Emperor Fabulous’ Toybox Master: Seamus Sidekicks: Nino Ortega, Judge Pawns: Executioner, Death Marshal, Ronin, Rotten Belle, Guild Austringer Note: I am aware now that the Shoebox size does not include the Master, but missed that for the purpose of this game. Thus, we were each playing one puppet down. Strategy Not even a bit of it. Emperor and myself were pretty evenly-matched here. I understood hitting and exceeding target numbers better than he did, but I still hadn’t grasped how the Combat statistic worked. I blindly stumbled onto a pretty decent force, entirely because I’d been reading the Malifaux rulebook (for the stories) and really liked the theme of the Neverborn (mostly because they creeped me the hell out). So, I picked mostly Neverborn puppets, with the Bete thrown in because YAY SPOOKY and the Hog Whisperer + Piglets in because I like combos and the gremlins make me laugh sooooo hard. Emperor wasn’t so lucky, though. See, neither one of us had really grasped activation costs yet, nor did we realize AT ALL that each master allowed us to ignore a specific suit. That’s where my love for a theme helped me and killed Emperor – I was able to ignore a lot of Masks, whereas Emperor picked a ton of Guild puppets under Seamus and ran into serious activation difficulties, particularly when we started burning cards. Both of our strategies were based on what we liked the look of more. It just so happened that I sucked into a good combo, where he ran into a cold card-induced coma halfway through the game. The Game Begins Both of us began bringing pieces onto the board, quickly learning the animation benefit each master provided (and double-checking the non-played masters to make sure that, in fact, every one of them had a suit reduction Ability). Our overall lack of strategy led us to bring in those models that we thought were the coolest – or, in my case, whatever I could afford to bring on, since my Control Hand resembled something Hamelin dredged up. Emperor brought in his Rotten Belle, the Judge, and the Executioner; I brought in the Malifaux Cherub and Bete Noire and amassed a less-frightening hand off a few good animation card flips. He pushed his Executioner and Judge forward towards the workbench to my right. I advanced cautiously, a fledgling plan forming in my head. Next turn rolls around after a bit more animating, and he gets another high Ram, animating his Executioner and pushing him into my grill. About this time I actually read what was on my Puppets’ cards, specifically the two I had in play. What follows is a school of hard knocks education in combos. I animate the Bete Noire and use Sense Stuffing on the Executioner after advancing forward one space. He Dodges high, (12 Masks), but not high enough: I draw a Mask and play a 12 Rams from my hand. In one fell swoop, his heaviest hitter is now an upgrade waiting to happen. Needless to say, the Emperor was not pleased. Playing an animation card from his hand, he throws the Judge in my face. I do not elect to Dodge the Judge’s attack and, with a modest flip, he connects. Boom, Bete has one Stitch remaining. I think you know what happens next. The Cherub animates and uses Can’t Say No To You on the Bete Noir, who immediately uses Sense Stuffing again. Emperor, now realizing how bad that ability is and profusely and roundly cursing my name, can’t Dodge high after burning his two high cards. Snip snip go the Bete’s knives and in two short, sweet animations, Emperor is down two powerhouse puppets. The Game Progresses After Emperor is finished with his recent round of profanities and I duck the shoe he unceremoniously lobs at my head, we continue (note: some of this may be exaggerated for effect. There was another round of profanities and possibly a duck thrown too. ~ed). I exploit my position as the dominant ringleader in this game and bring all of my puppets onto the board over the next several animations. Fabulous does the same. I begin throwing my puppets in his grill, but it gets rocky on the following turn: I lose my Bete to a rather cheesed-off Ronin led by a rather cheesed-off Emperor as he plays the Red Joker to counter what I thought was a good Dodge (13 Tomes). Baby Kade runs out into western nowhere to snag a Workbench. I misplayed Knife Wielding Baby, thinking that I could use Free Actions and Run, so the good Baby isn’t as quick as I thought – still nasty, though! Emperor shoots a token Death Marshal shot at him, but balks at his natural Defense of 13. I blow up his Ronin and his Death Marshal with my own hitters: the Silurid and the Austringer, with a parting shot by Kade as he’s running wide. Maybe it was the beer I’d been feeding him all night. Maybe it was my incessant taunting (actually, he felt terrible ~ed). Maybe it was 3 AM and none of us were coherent at this point. Whatever the cause, Emperor figured out two critical things that flipped the tables completely against me: Scary Face and Upgrades. See, I had taken relatively few Stitches, whereas Emperor was sitting on a treasure trove of Upgrades. What’s more, Seamus was still firmly camped on his objective. What’s MORE, for two turns straight, he drew incredible Crows and Rams hands, allowing him to attach whatever he wanted. Fast forward a few animations of him discarding low animation cards to pimp Nino’s ride and using Seamus’s Scary Face on an annoying interposing Rotten Belle. Suddenly, Nino is sitting on the Executioner’s Glowy Claws and the Judge’s Torn Bandana. He’s now Combat +STUPID and Powerful +1. One guess what the average Stitch total of my puppets is. Yeah. Nino, in turn, goes on a killing spree. Emperor, through cunning use of Rampage’n, kills my Piglet, my Cherub, and my Silurid, without even blinking. In a few short animations, the game is entirely his. I do what any experienced wargaming general would do: I panic and blame the cards. Oh, and upgrade Baby Kade to a Df 14 (thanks, Fairy Wings!) and send him straight for Seamus’s throat. Baby Kade puts two wounds himself on Seamus, thanks to a blown Control Hand on the part of my opponent since he was busy exacting brutal, horrible revenge on me, as Emperor runs him away. The Baby does suffer a Rip, though, since I have to double-animate him to keep pressure up. Through excellent use of interposing models and terrain, Seamus gets the slip while Kade is facing none other than Mr. Steroids himself, Nino Ortega. Fortunately, that +1 Df bump is all the Baby needs; despite drawing an insane number of cards, Nino can’t catch the Red Joker. Meanwhile, on my side of the board, Pandora, who I never did end up animating, is under siege. The Rotten Belle has made her way to melee and is attacking! His Austringer is providing supplemental support; however, my Defense cards are made of liquefied victory (multiple Aces and I sucked out and drew high on the subsequent Flip when I played them) and he can’t crack Pandora’s steely visage. The Game Ends The game’s getting close. Pandora’s under siege, unwounded for now, but how long can my cards hold out? Seamus is sitting on two Stitches remaining. The Turn begins anew. He animates the Rotten Belle first, swinging at Pandora and scoring a hit! I animate a model and Run it next to Seamus. He animates his Austringer and makes an attack against Pandora, but fails to land (another good Dodge on my end). I animate my Austringer and punk Seamus before Scary Face goes up. He dodges, but it’s average and I hit. Seamus goes next, Scary Faces himself, and advances two spaces away. I know it. I feel it. I can see victory. I animate my secret weapon, the puppet I’ve held all this time, the puppet I know who alone can show me victory. I animate the Hog Whisperer. He suffers a Rip, since I’d run him up to Seamus to allow the Austringer the attack, and advances next to the big, scary Resurrectionist. Takes a swing. Emperor elects to Dodge. Red Joker. With Scary Face, I’m looking at a 14 Crow Whatever (he chose Masks). Flip gave me a Crow. Control Hand gave me the Red Joker I’d been sitting on for about three turns. SEAMUS IS DEAD! THE HOG WHISPERER WINS! Aftermath Immediate thought after the game and the one that has stuck with me since: any game where I get to say the phrase “The Hog Whisperer wins!” is a game I want to play. We had a riotous amount of fun, despite a rather slow learning curve. The game lasted approximately 4 hours, with us jabbing insults back and forth, making rules error after error, and learning how this thing was even supposed to be played. For your sake, I cut out the first two hours of the game, which was largely just rules explanation, proxy battles, and immature jokes. We both also got a great feel for how unique the models are and how incredibly important it is to READ YOUR CARDS AND YOUR OPPONENTS’ CARDS. We also learned that, just because you take some heavy losses early, you’re hardly out. Smart play can zip you right back up to the top. To use a real-time strategy term, while I focused on production of units, he took to the defense a bit and quickly tech’d up. I didn’t have those resources, so later in the game he came out with power I simply couldn’t equal. Emperor capitalized on how desperately low on Stitches my models were by juicing up a Range 3 model into a combat hoss, then mercilessly plugging me. Thank goodness I kept Nino busy; with the ability to hit Cb 3 Powerful +2 on an attack, he could demolish Pandora with one shot. The ability to come from behind, not by luck but by smarts, sold me on Puppet Wars completely. That’s the hallmark of an excellent game: one where nobody’s out until they’re OUT. The Hog Whisperer is still riding high, drunk on victory. Next Time Wren steps into the arena against Hashmal! Also, I find out how Emperor Fabulous was able to manifest a duck to throw at my head, and investigate why we did not eat it afterwards.