Mike Wallace

All debts and legal troubles rescinded in exchange for my labor? Well. Pass me a pen.

(con't from Page 1) Please be informed however, that McMourning was one of Malifaux's preeminent plastic surgeons. On no less than two occasions, intrepid bounty hunters delivered what they believed was the corpse of Douglas McMourning, only for autopsies to later reveal that the body was surgically altered to look almost exactly like the villainous doctor. The Guild has compiled a checklist of physical traits to look for when identifying the body. These include: Caucasian/European descent. Male. Red hair. Blue eyes. No tattoos. Faint smell of almonds. Multiple scalpel scars along the hands, arms, and left foot. Scar of a smiling face on his left buttock. Inexplicably complete set of fingers and toes. Unusually full set of teeth. Please be advised that any bodies brought to the Enclave that do not conform to these simple standards will not be eligible for the bounty.

And how can Vincent Vega be gunned down by Butch Coolidge like half-way through but still be around for the diner scene at the end? I think it's just best to just read them from first story to last in classic Malifaux order: Guild, Resurrectionists, Arcanists, Neverborn, Outcasts, Bayou, Ten Thunders. A lot of stories are happening simultaneously or very shortly before or after them, so you have to approach it like Pulp Fiction which is presented in non-sequential order; just read through everything, and you should work together the timeline.

Subordinate characters. Unique ones, customizable ones, hireable ones. There are plenty of options for taking subordinates in TTB, but outside of customized constructs, most are just faceless stat blocks. I think it would make for some fun scenarios if each player was building a Malifaux mini-Crew with unique characters they've had a hand in creating themselves.

Oh, well. Titania is over 300,000 years old, but doesn't look a day over 20,000. Black hair, formerly amber eyes that would glow like sunset when she was angry or way too into an episode of Orange Is The New Black. She's 5'10" which some guys find is a turnoff because they're wussies. She's a Libra, which you never really hear anything bad about in horoscopes. It's like the plain smooth peanut butter of the Zodiac. She has two older sisters (Winter and Summer) and one younger sister (Spring), making her a bit of a middle child, which explains some issues she has with privacy and ownership. She wasn't born into royalty, but that's a whole other can of worms. Don't bring it up in conversation. She really tries not to bring up her vegan past, because Bayou-raised honey-glazed ham is her favorite thing ever these days. She really had it out for the human race (a Tijuana Bible had some very unflattering sketches) until she glimpsed into Fate's tapestry and realized Bob Ross would be born on Earth in a few decades, so her life goal right now is trying to clean up her planet so when she invites him over she isn't totally embarrassed even though she knows he won't mind, and they're going to totally fall in love when he teaches her how to paint without physical eyes. Sort of like that supernatural romance movie Ghost crossed with Event Horizon. It's cuter when you don't think about it.

Hawt dang. Maybe this is what Killjoy used to look like before he got into nipple piercings?

It's Von Schill's older brother "Pike," who does everything better than his little brother and it just makes Von Schill so mad but he can't do anything because Pike always puts him in a headlock and gives him noogies and that's why Von Schill is bald.

Hm, who can we get to fill that Chaotic Evil slot? A malfunctioning ED-209 proxy? A Judge Dredd knockoff who is way too into the Law but invents laws to punish people for? Maybe a twisted Prohibition Elliot Ness who's probably more into Gremlin hooch than he lets on? Possibilities are endless, really.

Though he does eat like one.

The biggest spoilers were the friends we made along the way.

Well it's early planning stages. The important thing is the flaming hell-pig skeleton. We can stick whoever we want on top of it. Maybe a hooded Gremlin, maybe a creepy child Gremlin, maybe a DEAD Gremlin, rotting away with mushrooms and moss to represent death by stagnation. He literally lazied himself to death.

Well, I wanna be clear. I'm talking more Johnny Cash Man in Black than alien-shenanigans Men in Black. With the trench-coat and the kind-of-mullet and shiny black boots, sharp dressed man off to meet Death on the road, Ain't No Grave Can Hold My Piggy Down Gremlin in Black smokin' a cigarette and singing about the path through redemption by walking through perdition.

Leveticus traded his grim destiny to Zoraida for a fresh cruller and the ability to never forget Rusty Alyce's birthday (thrice is embarrassing enough, thank you). Zoraida gave the destiny to Zipp. Zipp dropped it somewhere over the Bayou. So in the near future, expect to see a sour-faced Gautreaux Gremlin in "Man in Black" attire, riding a mystical, flaming, skeletal hell-pig. The Fifth "Horseman," Stagnation. I made this up.

Whoops. Yan Lo got pasted to the wrong list. Titania I feel is either hiding a deep-rooted madness caused by her exposure to the Grave Spirit, or she doesn't respect the threat it and the Tyrants represent. She is choosing short-term gains over long-term efforts, allying herself with Nekima and confounding Zoraida's efforts to stop the Tyrants for the sake of re-establishing her throne.

This is open to debate, but I think this list works to interpret each character's general outlook. The Good Motivated by the "greater good" (though their interpretations vary). Basse Hoffman Justice Nellie Perdita Euripides Lilith Zoraida Molly Reva Ironsides Mei Feng Sandeep Misaki Brewmaster Ophelia The Bad Ruthless and often sadistic in pursuit of their obsessions. Sonnia Lucius Jack Daw Kirai Seamus McMourning Nicodem Von Schtook Collodi Dreamer Nekima Pandora Titania Kaeris Ramos Rasputina Hamelin Tara Asami Shenlong Yan Lo The Ugly Nominally self-interested, but adaptive and pragmatic enough to know when to look at the big picture. Barker Colette Marcus Leveticus Parker Viktoria(s) Von Schill Zipp Lucas Lynch Youko Mah Tucket Ulix Wong Som'er

Did you know Captain Dashel owns a pitbull puppy named Mr. Mimzy and he's sooo gentle with him? So many hits on the AetherVox, guys. The dog has horns because Malifaux but he barks at his own farts. It's adorable.

I have it on good authority (certainly not Kyle) that the Dead Man's Hand masters will be forming a new faction called the "Blackjack and Hookers," but basically they just pool their money to get a nice place Downtown. Hijinks ensue as they try to live under the same roof. Will Ryle (re)learn what it's like to be a real boy? Will Ramos win his PTA presidency bid? Can Lilith and Nicodem live with their burning romantic tension? And what about Collodi's quirky home business? Find out every Thursday at 9 (MCT), only on Guildvox Channel 4!

Novels. *Coughs*

You can't trick us, Kyle. We know Wyrd is going to join the Area 51 raid this year and try to re-open the Breach.

You speak truth, wisdom, and... sexy. MORE UNDEAD PIRATES!

Hoy there Mary, "Blacktongue" Bonnet Maiden of the heartless sea! I gave my vows with a cuthroat scowl And a skellywag she made me! Hoy there Mary, blackguard bandit There's no man she can't best! So hoist her colors and raise 'em high We'll bury him with the rest! Hoy there Mary, Brine and Bones The Whisper's calling me! There ain't no rest in a dead man's chest So we're sailing endless seas! *Runs around shouting shanties until the rum takes him*

No, thank *you*, Wyrd.

YOU CAN'T CONTROL ME! [Flying Powerbombs himself]

Love 'em. Jake and Taelor look like the two-handed butt-kickers they are, and the Student is adorably deadly. Bring 'em on!

My boy Binh!